I realize that most Canadians are probably not interested in the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. Gosh. We don't write about THAT...and except in Quebec and Newfoundland...we hardly do it either.
But of course I do, and I love them.
And I have to say this one is my fave.
Sebastian was lying across his bed with the blinds drawn wearing nothing but a towel, hands lazily laced behind his head as he watched the cricket on a small flickering television screen in the corner. His chest was the size of a South American country. A slanting tongue of lamplight lit up his lap and I could see the outline of his large appendage.
After agonizing for, oh, about two-fifths of a second, I straddled him on the bed, pinning his arms beside him with all my body weight. 'Remember what you said about chastity being curable if caught early enough?'
Especially the part about his chest being the size of a South American country...let's say Brazil. Which would make his large appendage about the size of Alberta.
Which seems strangely fitting.
Although I have to admit this one was pretty good too.
Inside, the room was dark, lit only by the lurid scarlet of the electric stars atop each of the eight spires of the Kremlin outside the window. They backed on to a bed that sagged in the middle, the sheets rancid with what she later identified as old sperm and alcohol in a cocktail specially mixed for Soviet hotels. She wanted to struggle, to reprimand, to complain, but he grabbed her face and kissed her so forcefully that a lick of flame burned her to the core.
He's a madman, she thought as he made love to her again. Oh my God, after twenty years of being the most rational Bolshevik woman in Moscow, this goblin has driven me crazy!
Which reminds me... it's also time for the Bad Animal Video Awards.
And this year I'm nominating this Argentinean internet ad about the duck who adopted a dog.
With the sweet beginning.
And the bittersweet ending....
Yikes. It's true. Eh?
Animals, like humans, are meant to be loved when they are ALIVE.
And sex should be DONE not written...
P.S. I think we have a runner-up....in BOTH categories.
I'm just waiting for the video....