Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Muqtada al-Sadr's crazy football fatwa

I didn't think that anything coming out of Iraq could shock me anymore. Not the bombings, the beheadings, the massacres, and the endless parade of innocent victims. But when I read about Muqtada al-Sadr's football fatwa I just about had a cow. Or in his case a pig.

Yes it's true. The sinister wingnut Muqtada al-Sadr has issued a fatwa against soccer. Here's the story from Baghdad Burning -- the remarkable blog of a young Iraqi woman.

"Habeebi, the West creates things that keep us from completing ourselves (perfection) What did they make us do? Run after a ball habeebi....What does that mean? A man, this large and this tall Muslim-running after a ball?
....If you want to run, run for a noble goal..."

"The second thing, which is more important. we find that the West, and especially Israel, Habeebi the Jews, did you see them playing soccer? Have you heard that the Israeli team,curse them, got the World Cup?....They kept us occupied...while they occupy themselves with science etc. Why Habeebi? Are they better than us?No we're better than them..."

Oh well. That explains it. That heap of Egyptian army boots in the Sinai during the 1967 Middle East War. The Egyptian soldiers didn't take them off so they could run faster in the sand. They had just taken them off to play soccer when the dastardly Jews attacked. What unsportsmanlike conduct. Somebody should have showed the Israelis the red card.

Although the whole thing does put a whole new spin on this year's World Cup.

I was planning to cheer for Brazil, Argentina, England and Holland. More or less in that order. As a teenage boy I played soccer in South America in games where everyone could play. Sometimes we were twenty a side, sometimes we were four. But the games went on for hours. And I like the way they play the best. And worship their soccer gods like Ronaldinho and Robinho

But I'll also be cheering for England (Scotland forgive me) because I follow the English Premiership games and like some of their players. Like the Great Rooney, Aaron Lennon, and Theo Walcott. They play like South Americans.
And I like Holland too, just because it's Holland and what it means to Canada.

But now thanks to Muqtada's fatwa I'm going to have to add one more team to my cheering list: the Islamic Republic of Iran. As long as they allow the boys to wear shorts. And don't force them to play in burkas like the girls.

Yes I know.It may seem a rather shocking choice. But there is method to my madness.

First of all I would much rather the Iranians got their national pride kicking a ball, instead of building a bomb.That's obvious.

But secondly, and most importantly, can you imagine what would happen to Muqtada's football fatwa if the Iranian team really did well? I mean Shia pride and all that? If he didn't join in all that chest thumping and horn honking he'd look like a fool or God forgive unbeliever!! (gasp)

The poor desperate Shias of Sadr City would be dancing in the streets. While crazy Muqtada sulked in his mosque. Trying to whip up a fan club for his favourite game: suicide bomber. that I think of it who says that you can't mix sports and politics?

Hey Muqtada read my red card.

Go Iran go!!!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Massacre in Haditha: Turning point in Iraq?

The cover-up will soon be over. The BBC is reporting tonight that several U.S. marines will be court-martialled for the massacre at Haditha. Not that the U.S. military had much choice. Not after Iraq's new ambassador to the United States went to the White House to present his credentials today. And then went on CNN to talk about how the marines murdered his cousin. Oops.Ouch.Talk about bad timing.

What happened in Haditha is an ugly story. I was haunted today by the account of this young survivor.

She described how a group of marines entered her house after the IED went off, and went on a murderous rampage. Shot her mother and father, two sisters and her brother as he tried to hide under a bed.

Interestingly enough, at one point in the interview she seems to suggest she knew the IED was about to go off. But hey what are you supposed to do when insurgents plant an IED near your house in a place like Haditha. Call the Iraqi police?

And oh yes, she wants those responsible to be tortured and then killed. What a little darling. But who can blame her for thinking the Americans torture their own? After what they did at Abu Ghraib.

But that's the point isn't it? That's why it's going to hurt Chimp Bush so much. This isn't just an isolated incident. It's just the latest in a litany of horrors, in a crazy war with apparently no end. This massacre may well mark a tipping point like the My Lai massacre did during the war in Vietnam.

Mark the moment when most Americans finally agree that all this suffering just isn't worth it.

Chimp Bush will come under enormous pressure to declare victory and get the hell out. And he isn't the only one. So is Bush's poodle Tony Blair.

And what happens in Iraq is bound to affect what happens in Afghanistan. And that means us. I suppose the Americans could re-deploy to Afghanistan and we might finally have enough troops to do the job. Because we don't have them now.The warning signs are everywhere. Yikes. When they miss the Russians you know we're in trouble.

But I suspect that when the Americans start pulling out of Iraq, or into their super bases, the American public won't want them sent to another distant battlefield. T And that will leave all kinds of foreign fighters from that terrorist breeding ground in Iraq, free to swarm into Afghanistan. And bomb us to smithereens. Two years could be a long time.

The problem in Afghanistan, just like Iraq, is that there were never enough boots on the ground. The U.S. military is running out of soldiers. It's gotten so bad they're using 45-year-old privates as well as criminals. If you don't have enough good troops in a counter-insurgency war. And you can't tell the good guys from the bad guys. And your nerves are rattled by IEDs. Sooner or later you start killing them all.

Some of the Pentagon's top generals warned about screwing up. But they were ignored or put down.

So why am I worried? Surely we Canadians can learn from the mistakes the Americans made?

Maybe not.

Turns out our government doesn't want hear from General Zinni either. Even though history has proved him right.

See what I mean?

To paraphrase the old philosopher. If you don't learn from your mistakes or the mistakes of others.

You're condemned to repeat them over and over again.

How long will it be before we have our little massacre?

Friday, May 26, 2006

Chimp Bush and his big booze problem

Well that explains it. Yesterday I wondered why President Harper would fly all the way to Vancouver to announce a ban on street racing. I mean hasn't he ever driven on Toronto's 401? Today I discovered that of course that's not why he was really there. He was really there to attend this ReformCon Roast. Funny how pig and roast go together. Too bad the taxpayers have to foot the porky bill. Oink.Oink.

But I don't want to do yet another post about President Harper. I know he's acting like a half crazy dictator, and that he is threatening to use a majority to change Canada forever. But it is the weekend after all. So I'd rather talk about something even more important to our survival. The state of Chimp Bush's marriage.

"They barely talk to each other....They argue when they do speak."
After their last fight over booze they just stopped talking period."

Uh Oh. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not really interested in the Chimp's love life (shudder). And I'm sure I'd find Prince Harry's steamy party pics far more stimulating. The Sex in School story sounds good too.Although I'm sure if I read it I'd feel robbed, because I never had teachers like that. Too bad.

But the very notion that the Chimp could be back on the bottle makes me want to run for cover. Or find some way to make my bunker invisible. God help me Missy Mammy. I'm haunted by this story.

"When the levees broke in New Orleans, it apparently made him reach for a shot," said one insider. "He poured himself a Texas-sized shot of straight whiskey and tossed it back."

"The First Lady was shocked and shouted: 'Stop George'!

"Laura gave him an ultimatum: 'It's Jim Beam or me.'

Holy Hillbilly! Beam me up bubbah.... I know there are journalistic principles involved. But I can't help but worry about what he must be up to when Laura isn't around. Glug. Glug. Glug. Snort. Snort. Or what could happen if he was looped and alone with Dick Cheney .


"Georgie we gotta do something about Iran and pronto"


"Fucking right Chainman....I hate those fucking bastards...screw'em...fuck'em...they're laughing at me...I'm looking as weak as my daddy...nuke'em tomorrow...and bomb Canada too (burp) Why should we pay for their fucking oil when we bomb it?" (vomit)



Yikes. What a problem. How come we can figure out the one about the chicken and the egg? But we can't do anything about the problem of monkeys and booze?

Except keep our fingers crossed that George chooses Laura instead of Jim. The way things are going for the Chimp I'm not optimistic...

But I don't want to end on a downer note. As I said before, it is the weekend after all. In a few days the humidex in Toronto is expected to reach 40 degrees. It's the kind of heat that might make us envy this naked Sherpa.

But is just about perfect to say goodbye to this reggae star.

Poor Desmond. He was a reggae pioneer. But he only had a few hits. Like " Israelites" which still makes me leap out of my chair and happy dance across the room.

After that his career really went nowhere. He had money problems. But he paved the way for other reggae giants like Bob Marley and Peter Tosh. Other giants like him.

And one of his hits was a classic version of Jimmy Cliff's "You Can Get if you Really Want."

Which strikes me as the perfect tune for a steamy weekend.

Forget our loser President. Have some fun.

Do it for Desmond.

This week's life lesson is know your enemy.

And do it while you can...

Harper's crazy war on the media

Well the clock on the Peace Tower may be still stuck at 7:30. But surely we must be getting close to midnight as far as Canada is concerned. As evidence I offer up this bizarre exchange between President Harper and the CBC's wild man in Vancouver, Terry Milewski: The latest episode in Harper's crazy war on the dumbos from the press gallery.


"The press gallery will not allow journalists to ask questions. If journalists want to ask questions to me that should be their choice. They're the ones who suffer. Otherwise I don't think the public cares. I think it's unfortunate. But it's something the press gallery is going to have to work out itself."


"With respect Prime Minister, isn't it the case that it just isn't true what you just said. The press gallery as I understand, takes the position that they're entitled to pick who asks the questions. Your government as I understand is insisting that your staff should pick who should ask the questions as Dimitri (Dimitri Soudas, Harper's Deputy Press Secretary) just did when he called on me."


"Well when we set up a press conference we set up a press conference. It's my view if journalists want to ask questions they should be able to. It's not up to the press gallery to make that decision for them. You know as they say it's unfortunate for those who want to ask questions. And I think a lot do. But as they say they don't get to ask their questions.I don't think anyone outside Ottawa cares. And I think that's what's unfortunate."


"Why is it so important for your staff to pick who asks the questions?"


"Frank Yee Fairchild television."

Fairchild Television instead of the national media? Wow are things getting weird. Forget about the da Vinci Code now we've got Dimitri's List. And what was Harper going on about? First he asks lobbyists to accuse journalists of being lazy. Now he says nobody cares. Does he really think Canadians are that stupid?And why did he fly all the way to Vancouver to announce a ban on street racing?
Are the wheels coming off this baby or what?

But at least all the fuss about gagging and muzzling and managing the message is making some in the media notice how Harper is beginning to show his true colours. The stuff I've been warning you about. As Lawrence Martin wrote in his Globe column today

"The soft and soothing centrist rhetoric of the election campaign has been replaced by a deeper conservative theology...he is beginning to sound like the rawer conservative he used to be."

The mask is finally slipping. Maybe the fact that he's so close to a majority, and yet so far is driving Harper over the edge. Maybe the stress of running the whole government himself is getting to him. I mean isn't banning street racing a Mayor's job?

Hmm...If Harper doesn't watch it he could yet become a liability rather than an asset. Maybe he is going to have a hard landing after all. He might even blow that majority right out of the water. When it should be in the bag.

Wouldn't that be fun? But for now I'll just enjoy watching him slowly crack up.

Because if he keeps on going where he's going. Keeps on acting like a crazy dictator.

I'm sure the best is still to come...

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Harper's dangerous character flaw

Talk about a bad omen. Time stands still on Parliament Hill. The clock on the Peace Tower has blown a fuse. And on the same day that President Harper confirmed what I told you last night. We won't have to wait very long for an election.

Hmmm....what a coincidence. How suspicious. Do you think the dying Liberals are trying to delay the inevitable? But it doesn't really matter. Soon it will be Harper time. All the time.

Which is why I was glad that our fake prez kind of blew a fuse of his own today and declared war on the dumbos of the parliamentary media. It was awfully ungrateful of him of course. Without the fawning coverage of the dumbos during the last election campaign he probably wouldn't be President. How could he forget their so-called coverage of him? The one that set a new world record for the longest uninterrupted blow job during an election campaign anywhere.(except North Korea)

No wonder those dumbos are so pissed off. I guess they figured he owed them at least a quickie or two... Although Susan Delacourt does provide a reasonable explanation for their little hissy fit.

But what I really like about Harper's decision to bypass the national media is that it shows once again how determined he is to mimic his hero Chimp Bush. Is that chimpy or spooky or what?

And what I really love is what it says about the way he thinks. His Me versus Them mentality. The one I've been warning you about. The one I know so well. Because I've been studying him like a bug for years. Or at least like a really interesting and very different political animal. One with fanatical tendencies, and a potentially dangerous character flaw.

Remember how I told you about his fights with Preston Manning over the policy papers Harper produced for the Reform Party? How he couldn't understand why the Parson insisted on taking them to the grassroots for approval? I told you that Harper could never accept that. He thought they were too stupid to understand his brilliant plans. He raged, he sulked, and then he finally quit.

At the time that could be dismissed as the typical behaviour of a bright policy wonk who had spent too much time wacking off philosophically in the strange right-wing world of the Calgary School.

But now he's a Prime Minister with a Presidential complex. Now nobody can challenge his plans. Not even his own Ministers and MPs. Now he could be on the verge of winning a crushing majority. Now this minor character flaw is suddenly a lot more serious.

The problem is that people who think like Harper can eventually come to believe that everyone is against them. Come to believe that only they are in possession of the pure unvarnished truth. That everyone else is either too stupid, or too corrupt, or too weak to take the ruthless measures necessary to get the job done. In Harper's case to change Canada beyond recognition.

Give a man like that a big majority. And chances are you'll have a real big problem.

As I said before.Fasten your seatbelts.

We're in for quite a ride...

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Preparing for a Harper majority

I biked out to the woods this evening to try to get away from all the bad news. For a while it worked. The place was alive with the sights and sounds of Spring. Some of the trees were in full bloom. What with all the different kinds of birds singing wildly away. And the little bunnies hopping around at my feet, I felt like fucking Snow White in the Disney cartoon. Then the overwhelming smell of skunk came drifting along on the breeze. I remembered where I was and that the only story that counts is this one.

So the die is cast. All that remains to be determined now is when will Harper call an election. And the size of his majority.

Rick Anderson, the former Manning strategist, says he believes that Canadians came very close to an election call the other night. And so do I. If the Afghanistan vote had gone against him Harper would have used that and the Gwyn Morgan debacle to claim that he couldn't govern, And pull the plug.

Now he will just have to wait until fall. But you can be sure he won't wait any longer than that. He could probably afford to hold off until the Spring of 2007. The Liberals are now dead in Quebec. The situation there is not likely to change. But if he strikes while the iron is hot he could get fickle Ontario too.

There would also be less chance that public support for the war in Afghanistan could go seriously south and hurt him. And best of all he could catch the Liberals without a leader. If you don't think Harper is capable of that, then you don't know the man. You're thinking like a Canadian boy scout. And forgetting that he thinks like an American.

The Conservatives are using their huge war chest to produce the kind of polling Karl Rove uses in Washington to fine tune the delivery of specific messages to targeted voters. In Ontario it's younger lower middle class familes, and immigrants. They have been campaigning rather than governing ever since they took power. Everything like this ridiculous announcement today is designed to be part of an ad campaign. Promises made, promises kept.

But you can only do that for so long. He'll have to find a good reason to pull the plug. But that won't be hard. Count on a fall election.

So I guess the only thing that really remains to be determined is whether we'll recognize Canada when Harper is finished with it.

Talk about the skunk in the woods.

Prepare yourselves for five stinky years...

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Killing Kyoto and the apes from Alberta

Of all the disgusting things the sellout Harper government has done so far, its secret plans to kill Kyoto, must surely be the most foul. But it does make one thing absolutely clear. Canada can't afford this yankee wannabe Oilberta government any longer. And neither can the planet.

Rona Ambrose's klown komedy in Bonn is humiliating enough. Talk about being a rube from Alberta. Talk about being out of it. Didn't somebody tell President Harper's little princess, that even the real Queen is worried about global warming?

Or tell this lightweight puppet of the oil industry that if she continues her crusade against Kyoto our international reputation will be ruined for all time. History will record that some gassy pigs, in a country called Canada, led the charge to destroy the planet's last chance of avoiding environmental disaster.

Sacrificed the future of the world's children just to please their yankee masters. And destroyed themselves in the process. A friend of mine flew over the Alberta oilsands the other day and said it looked like the surface of Mars. Soon the entire place will look like a desert. The Province of the Apes.

No politician from Alberta should ever have been allowed to become Environment Minister. Everyone knows the sellout one-party province is really run by the oil industry. The ones who claimed that global warming didn't exist. The ones who put one obstacle after the other in the way of recognizing the problem. And now that nobody can deny it are trying to kill the solution. To fatten their bloated profits.

Or have their flunkies pretend that Kyoto never happened.

I can only hope that one day soon we can return the favour. Drive these Alberta Cons from power, and erase them from Canadian history. Change every bit of legislation they ever introduced. Wipe the record clean. Pretend they never existed.

Maybe then the children of world will forgive us.

Although who could blame them if they don't ?

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Harper and his poodle parade

Oh Canada. How much lower can our country go? First President Harper sells us out to the United States. For a trip to the White House that has now been delayed. Ouch.I bet that hurts. Then he invites the Australian poodle Howard to blow Bush in the Canadian House of Commons. Only to regret it later.

Uh oh. I don't think this little dinner went down too well. How long do you think it will be before Harper starts calling him his rival ? Instead of his Wizard of Ozzy. I mean holy kangaroo. Like we need fucking Australia to tell us what to do? If we need sheep to trim our lawns we'll call them.

Why doesn't that dingo poodle worry about his fucked up country? And leave us to worry about ours.

Who is Harper going to ask to address Parliament next? That other Chimp poodle Tony Blair? If this doggy parade goes on much longer, we might as well close the place down. And turn it into a kennel.

(Sigh) Will these yankee loving neocons ever learn that Canada belongs to Canadians?

And bugger off so we can do our Canadian thing. Celebrate the birthday of a dead English Queen, with fireworks and beer.

Hey she may have been really weird. And a hypocritical sex and drug fiend too.

But at least we get a holiday out of her.

Happy dead crazy English Queen weekend everyone!

Throw a shrimp, or a neocon, on the barbie for me...

Friday, May 19, 2006

Monkey love and the meaning of life

Holy banana! That story about how our ancestors mated with chimps really had me scratching my armpits today. It seems so unbelievable.

It could be the oldest, not to mention the messiest, break-up in history. When humans and chimpanzees split up along the path of evolution, they carried on having sex for as long as 4m years, geneticists claim today.

How did they ever find each other across the Great Hairy Divide? What a Romeo and Juliet tale of monkey love.

It must have the religious wingnuts in a frenzy. Those chimps are making a monkey out of their so-called theory of Intelligent Design.

Tarzan. Cheetah. FRIENDS....

On the other hand it does explain a lot of things..... like why humans like bananas so much.

Or why we have a tendency to become drunk and disorderly

Or act like selfish neocons.

Oh what a CRUEL twist of fate. Of all the monkeys in the world we had to fuck with the wrong one.

Too bad. Not only are the bonobos less violent, less sexist and more fun.

They're far better looking as well.

 about a HUNKY monkey. What do you think my fellow apes?

Is it REALLY too late to start all over again?

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Playing politics with Afghanistan

I'm going to try to stay away from cheap politics tonight. If you've ever managed to get through one of my raging rants you know that won't be easy. But tonight I just have to show a little class. To honour the latest brave soldier to die in Afghanistan. Because she had a lot of class. And because I don't want to be accused like Prime Minister Harper was today of showing no class at all. By using her death as a political club.

But for me there was an even more jarring moment outside the Commons today. When Harper, after abruptly cancelling a newser, decided to speak to reporters after all. Although it was pretty obvious that he really didn't want to. Later James Travers described Harper's mood as "petulant." But I thought he looked really angry and stressed. His face was puffy and pale. And I found the look in his eyes even more disturbing than usual.

After delivering a short diatribe aimed at the Liberals, he turned to go when one of the reporters asked him "aren't you going to say anything about the dead soldier." Harper stopped dead in his tracks. " Oh yeah, the dead soldier," he said. Or something like that. But it was the look on his face that was most telling. Instead of being grateful for the chance to honour our dead hero. He seemed annoyed. As if he was pissed off at her for dying so inconveniently on the day of the Afghanistan debate. As if it was some kind of Liberal plot.

If that doesn't say it all I don't know what does.

As for Afghanistan, I'll save my thoughts on that for another time. Except to say that the government should have tried to reach a compromise with the other parties. Instead of just playing politics. If they had maybe everyone could have agreed to keep our troops there for at least one more year. With Parliament to decide by a certain time next year whether they stay any longer.

That way the troops would be able to fully develop their mission, NATO would get ample warning that we might pullout, and most importantly we would all get a better idea about what exactly we're facing there. Whether we can really make a difference. And what it's really going to cost.

That way we could hear from our soldiers who are doing the fighting. And hear whether they still think it's still worth more Canadian dead. Or more shattered lives.

We could have had a real national debate. And in the end Parliament could have made a more informed choice. The government may have won tonight. But in a way we all lost. Two years is a long time...

But we can talk about all of that some other day. I just want to end by saying something else about Capt. Nichola Goddard.

I feel really sad for such a young life lost. But I also feel incredibly proud of her, and our country.

Proud that she showed the world that Canada is a country where women can be anything they want. Including brave soldiers in front line combat.

Proud that she died fighting to help bring freedom, and schools, and clinics to the women of Afghanistan. So hopefully one day little girls there can be anything they want too.

However we feel about the war. However disgusted we might be over the rushed and unseemly nature of the debate.

I think we can all be proud of that...

Monday, May 15, 2006

Rona Ambrose's Klown Festival of Laughs

Well isn't that nice? What a slap in the face. It turns out all that bowing and scraping, sucking and blowing by the Harper administration hasn't made the yankees love us after all. Some of them apparently hate us so much, they're booing our anthem. And worse than that. They're trying to blame it on us!

But that wasn't the only place they were booing us. Rona Ambrose's little junket to Bonn also went down like a lead balloon. I wonder why. Maybe delegates just didn't understand what she's doing chairing a Kyoto conference while declaring that Kyoto doesn't work.

Or what she was doing begging for Canada to be excused because we love our cars and don't want to live in the dark.Boo hoo hoo. Wow. What a nerve. How embarrassing. What a clown. Any more of this Konservative Komedy act on the international stage and forget about the little maple leafs on our backpacks. We'll all have to wear one of these when we travel abroad.

Hey baby! Don't you love my sexy bag and my matching baby seal skin jacket? Eh?...... Uh?

Although the ones wearing the bag today were the religious wingnuts who make up the Conservative Party base.To try to hide the foam spewing out of their mouths over this story.

Do you think that will make them think twice about their plans to keep women at home? Nah. Not a chance. This isn't about what's good for women. It's about what's good for Daddy God.

Just like the decision to proclaim Rona Ambrose the sexiest female MP on the hill, for the second year in a row, has everything to do with Big Daddy Harper. At least she says it does. What I want to know is did our wannabe President order his trained seals to vote for his little pet Ambrose? Or did he just vote for her himself? Over and over again.

Ugh. What a mistake. You can't be sexy and help murder the planet. Sex is life not death. Gilles Duceppe called her Kyoto Komedy act funny today:

"She looks like she's participating in a kind of Festival of Laughs..."

But he's wrong too.

Making a mockery out of Kyoto is no joke. Not when it leaves us choking in our own fumes, and kills our children slowly. Not when it means the end of entire countries. Not when some believe it could cause environmental genocide. In a place that has already suffered too much.

You see that's the problem with these crazy Klown Konservatives. They may be funny to watch in action. You can split your sides laughing. When you're not cringing with embarrassment. But all that idiot greed, all that neocon nonsense always leads to the same dead end. Proves the same point. Over and over again.

Stupidity kills.

Don't forget to pick up your paper bag...

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Resistance and the new meaning of cool

I want to apologize to my three or four faithful readers for taking a blogging break. But sometimes the blogosphere, by concentrating on one issue at a time, can fragment reality a little too much. I just had to get away from the daily slugfest. Fly though a clear blue sky. Take a few deep breaths. Think about the Big Picture. And what's really happening to the country I know and love. The Conservatives have only been in power for about four months. And already I can hardly recognize it. Except from high above.

What other government would sell us out to the Americans, and then threaten lumber producers to keep them from complaining? What other government would employ such scorched earth tactics to try to destroy the opposition?Or enlist the help of Republican advisers to give them tips on how to turn Canada into a Yankee Mini-Me. The kind Cindy Sheehan, who lost her son for nothing, warns us about.

And it's not just the Yankee neocons who are helping the Harperites, so are the Aussie right-wingers! Well hang me kangaroo down sport. Since when do the foreign governments tell our government what to do? Is this an international right-wing conspiracy or what? You don't have to fly too high to know there's something terribly wrong with this picture.

And then there's the weird Stephen Harper factor. In Canada Prime Ministers are supposed to act like Prime Ministers. Not like power crazed, control freak, American Presidents. Who like to portray themselves as warriors, but dishonour our war dead, and are all talk and no action on Darfur. Who ride freight elevators to dodge the media, muzzle their cabinet ministers and MPs, kill Kyoto, and hire ex-cons as their advisers.In the Globe this weekend Ian Brown called Harper Big Daddy. Others call him Mr President or Great Leader. Isn't it stark raving obvious that if Canadians give him a majority they'll get themselves a tyrant?

Oh yeah. Something is not quite right in Canada these days. An alien form is growing in the heart of our government. If we don't stop it in its tracks we'll eventually lose our country. Doing nothing to try to stop this from happening is not an option. Supporting these yankee wannabes because of one issue or another is bullshit. It's collaborating with them in the destruction of our Canadian way of life. And that's nothing less than treason. At least in my book.

So when I saw this story, I just about had a cow.

So it isn't cool to be cool anymore. Now it's hip to be square. And even if you're oppressed and marginalized you should never get angry. Just be nicey nicey and try to fit in.Or as one researcher put it:

"Historically, coolness was a marginalized construct, so if you're oppressed or marginalized, coolness is a way for you to deal with the situation by being detached, or by being aloof, keeping a facade of rebellion and toughness. That was cool. Not any more."

Uh oh. Talk about a blow to my self esteem. I think I can modestly say that I have many amazing qualities, but being amazingly cool, while being incredibly angry, is right at the top of my list. Or was. Now I don't know what to think.

Except, of course, that those twenty-something Western idiots who filled out the survey were obviously completely out of it. Dudes listen carefully. Just because you think you're hot doesn't mean you're cool. Will somebody please tell these oafs that life isn't a game.

I have to believe that's what happened. The alternative is just too awful. I just can't imagine myself wagging my tail like an emotional support dog.
As my country is destroyed. Or doing a soft shoe shuffle, just to try to fit in. Like this little gollywog.

Hmmm... I do like that bright red jacket.

But as for kicking up my heels, coolness be damned.

I think I'd rather kick neo-con ass. Help save my country. And save the soft shoe shuffle for the day I can dance on their graves.

After all. Once you've seen the big picture. Understand what they really want to do. What their hidden and very wingnut agenda is really all about.

Then forget about fitting in. Resistance is the only way to go. If you love this country.

Anything less is treason...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Another wingnut bites the dust

Oh what a beautiful day. I couldn't stop humming that old Sinatra song. Except that I changed some of the lyrics. Now instead of going "Oops there goes that rubber tree plant." It goes "Oops there goes another wingnut Con...Ker Plop."

And what a way to plop. Can you believe Vellacott's sanctimonious letter? (pdf)

"I know there is a cost, but I can do no other, because this life is too short, and ultimately I long to hear 'Well Done!' from the One who is over all, at the time when it matters most!"

Well boo hoo hoo. Who does he think he is? Jesus? Somebody get him a cross. I got the hammer and the nails...

Oh wait. I see he says he's going to stop bashing injuns and concentrate on bashing fags. Forget the cross. Just put him in a straitjacket and send him back to Saskatoon. Canada's Mississippi. Where they keep re-electing this homophobic redneck nutbar. Over and over again. Guess what it says about them?

But it gets worse...Who do you think the ReformCons are thinking of replacing him with? This guy! Yes, the guy who suggested that journalists be arrested. What a disgrace. How low can these scumbuckets go? Is this the most wingbat government in Canadian history or what?

What a bunch of losers. But at least Vellacott was forced to resign. Now when is Rona Ambrose going to resign from this committee? I know she wants to go to Europe. But she can buy her fucking plane ticket herself. Or get one of those greasy lobbyists to buy it for her.With all her oil industry friends she should still be able to travel first class. It didn't take long for those Tory porkers to get their snouts in the trough. Did it? Oink.Oink. It takes a Con piggy to really suck it up.

But what on earth does Harper's little pet Ambrose think she is doing chairing that U.N. committee after murdering Kyoto?

It's bad enough making a mockery out of our Parliamentary system by appointing an anti-native bigot like Vellacott to chair a committee on aboriginal affairs. But how dare Ambrose think she can take her little comedy act all the way to the United Nations. Will that dumbo please resign and get back to the shallow end of the pool --before we're the laughingstock of the civilized world.

Oh boy. The wheels are really falling off the Harper chuckwagon. It must be so frustrating. If they held an election today they would probably win a majority. But they can't. Ouch. And the more they wait, the more Canadians will realize that they are not dealing with a Canadian government. They're dealing with a yankee wannabe Klown Posse. Bye Bye majority. So sorry Cons. So close and yet so far.

And there are so many other wingnuts waiting to be exposed. I'm lovin it! By the time we're finished with these wackos, all they'll be able to do is pile into this jalopy and chug all the way back to Alberta and Saskatchewan.

While the decent freedom loving people of Canada line the streets and jeer. Bye bye bubbas. Doncha dare come back. You hear?

Although that means I'll have to change those damm lyrics again.

Change them from:

"Oops there goes another wingnut Con..."


"Oops there goes the whole wingnut gang..."

Ker Plop....

Monday, May 08, 2006

Wingnut alarm and the loon from Saskatoon

When the bells started ringing in the bunker way too early this morning I thought my clock radio had gone bonkers. I was ready to pick it up and throw it against a wall. Then I realized it wasn't my radio. It was my wingnut alarm.

One of President Harper's trained seals had managed to slip his muzzle off. And was mouthing crazy stuff about the Supreme Court and why it was guilty of so-called "judicial activism." (Which in wingnut code means guilty of protecting the fags.) But before I could grab a net and race to the rescue, it was all over.

In the end the ReformCon from Saskatchewan (Canada's Alabama) had to eat crow. Crumbled like a kookie. Great Leader must have been REALLY angry. For letting Canadians get a peep at the real face of the ReformCon Party BEFORE he gets a majority. After that it won't matter...

But I wasn't satisfied. Who is this rube anyway? I see he's the new chair of a Parliamentary Committee on Aboriginal Affairs. Despite his support of two disgraced cops who dumped a native man on the outskirts of Saskatoon on a freezing cold night. Not far from where other native men had been found before frozen to death. Like 17-year-old Neil Stonechild.

Isn't that a killer of an appointment or what?

But then I wondered how did this loon from Saskatoon dare to bitchslap our wonderfully civilized Supreme Court justices, about anything to do with CANADIAN law? I see he claims to have a doctoral degree from university. But the only law they believe in at that place is GOD'S LAW. (pdf)

And this is still Canada, so that's not good enough. Not if you don't believe in that mumbo jumbo. Not if you're gay or lesbian. That's over my dead body stuff.

I mean really?

" A law is just (and therefore justifiably authoritative) if it corresponds with our nature as God created it."

Or how about this zinger?

"To be a person simply means to have the capacity for relationship, and an embryo certainly has that."

Huh? Ain't that embryophilia or what?

What will these religious bubbas attack next? Birth control? Ugh. I see they already have. My poor hetero friends. They'll be forced to breed like bunnies. Spend all their money on baby food instead of booze. Or prams instead of bikes.

Because you can count on one thing with these fanatics: whatever slop is cooked up in wingnut circles down there, always gets regurgitated in wingnut circles up here.

On the other hand.... the good part is that surely now everyone in Canada, even those shortsighted Tory tools in Quebec, must understand why President Harper muzzled his trained seals. So they wouldn't bite or bark too loud. Ruin his fake moderate image, and scare voters away.

Surely it's not too much of a stretch for people to imagine what would happen if Harper won a majority. And all the muzzles came off at the same time...

I don't think a lot of Canadians realize how much Stephen Harper wants to try to change this country and the values we hold as our own. "When I'm finished with this country they won't recognize it, " he once said. He wasn't kidding. He really thinks like that.

The question is can he be stopped? And how? Maybe this story offers a little clue... From the Republicans to the Harperites. With love. Although the Harperites didn't want anyone to know
How about those boys from the secret handshake society?

Maybe the left should return the favour... Dig up the wingnut stuff that the Conservatives are trying so desperately to hide. Maybe the media can do its part too. Let Canadians know where these religious crazies are coming from BEFORE the next election.Only a culture war can change the outcome in Quebec.

Besides...Surely what's good for the Liberal goose.

Must be good for these guys too...

Just put an apple in its mouth.

And light a fire under it...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Riding a bus to nowhere

I was out for a stroll when I came across this nifty bus. What an inspiring sight. I would follow the guy on the right through the gates of hell. Or even into the Catholic Church. But after thinking it over I decided not to jump onboard. I wasn't sure where I might end up. Tiptoeing through some dusty minefield in Afganistan. Or worse. Goosestepping through the corridors of Parliament as a member of President Harper's Pretorian Guard. Sworn to serve and protect him. Jawohl mein Leader! We are with you in ze bunker!

Wow. Wouldn't that be ironic?

Speaking of Great Leader I see he was in fine form today. Defending his phony so called budget. He called it :

"The best NEWS budget that this country has ever seen."

Huh? What a Freudian slip. Why doesn't he just come out and call it propaganda? A shallow votebuying scheme aimed at fooling voters into giving the Conservatives a majority. Andrew Coyne calls the budget measures "policiettes dainty morsels of cash..." Jeffey Simpson calls the whole thing a "show" And says it's "popcorn and candy now, steak and potatoes later." To which I would add... with shit for dessert.

Although if we're talking food I like to think of this budget as a potluck stew. You never know what little tidbits you might find in there. All you've got to to do is throw away your children's future. Or the planet's future. Put your head in a trough. And slurp.

Of course, if you're this right-wing politician you can always put your head in a bag and burp. Believe it or not this bozo was thinking of running for Mayor. Now he'll probably run for Premier of Alberta.

Anyway... all we've got to remember from this budget charade is that Gilles Duceppe is going to try to keep Harper in power as long as he can. With polls like this one he has no choice. The funniest thing today was listening to poor Duceppe trying to come up with excuses for not bringing the government down.

And that as soon as this budget is passed, and the cheques start to go out, Harper will be going for an election as soon as he can. He's blown his wad. He won't have as many goodies to give out as he did this time.The polls are good --particularly in Quebec. The Liberals are in disarray. The NDP's still all over the place. They don't have a brand they can sell on tv. Why wouldn't Harper be itching to go? He can probably smell that majority.

It must be positively stinky. Just like this Mayor's toilet. He says if it's yellow let it mellow. I say if it's Tory Blue it must be poo. So flush it.

Anyway something has got to give. The longer Harper waits the more he has to deliver. The greater the chance that something might go wrong. But how will he get Duceppe out of his corner, without alienating Quebec?It should be a fascinating spectacle. The separatist leader trying to prop up the Harper government.

While Harper does his best to bring his own government down.

Talk about turning Canada upside down.

And he doesn't even have a majority yet....

Oh yeah. If you're still wondering about that bus.

I took a taxi home...

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Budget Monkeys and Referendum Roosters

Oh great. Now I know the Conservatives are really back. It's been ages since they last delivered a federal budget. But as soon as I heard this one I was struck by a bad case of deja vu. They may have changed a few words. But it's the same old tune. Greed is good. Government is bad. Help the rich. Fuck the the poor. The only thing they've changed is the monkey...

The one who is trying to make monkeys out of us all.By boasting that he's slashing personal taxes. When most Canadians, the ones who aren't rich, will pay more.

Or by trying to fool people into thinking that he's going to give them loads of money. So they can look away while he slaughters the national daycare plan. To please his wingnut supporters who just want to keep women at home.

But enough of this budget. This news is far more important.

What this means is that it doesn't really matter what the rest of Canada does. If Harper can just hold his support in English Canada. And this feel good budget is probably enough to do that. Quebecers will hand him enough seats for a crushing majority. So he can show his true colours. And turn Canada upside down.

I'm glad that some in the dumbo media have woken up to the threat. As Richard Gwyn wrote in the Toronto Star:

"It's becoming increasingly clear that we have undergone the most radical political change in decades, and arguably, although only potentially,the most radical in our entire political history"

But it's probably too late. The referendum chickens are coming home to roost.

The Liberal Party in Quebec is in ruins. All that beating up on separatists has backfired, just as I always knew it would. People forget it wasn't just the sponsorship program that doomed the Liberals. Their tough guy act might have been a big hit in English Canada. But it grated on Quebecers. Martin had a chance to change that but he didn't. The moment he tried to mug Doucette during the last campaign debates, I knew he was done. So when Harper came around sounding so sweet and reasonable I knew Quebecers would go for him like a trout. Why wouldn't they?

Who are they supposed to vote for? Someone from the old hardline gang like Stephane Dion? Just having someone like him running to be leader probably costs the Liberals in Quebec ten points or more.

Ironic, isn't it?

Eleven years after the last referendum, Quebecers hold the fate of Canada, as we know it, in their hands again.

They just want more autonomy. If they can get it without another referendum all the better. Why shouldn't they?

They didn't plan on giving Harper a majority. He was just there at the right time to profit from what had happened before. From what was done and from what was not done.

It was an accident of history. That might change a country forever.

By giving Harper and his radical right wingers years to mangle it beyond recognition.

Until Quebecers are so disgusted they separate.

Leaving historians to wonder. Who was the real monkey?

Him or us?

Painful Times and Poodle Parties

Oh boy am I sore. And it's not just my you know what. It's my right hand too. On Sunday night I was out racing some other drunken idiot on a dirt bike when I mistook a large rock for a clump of grass....and took a flying lesson instead! Bottom line: for the next two weeks I'll be forced to type and wack off with my left hand. So I'll have to keep it short mind.

The short of it is nobody won the Great Sex Challenge. I did my part before being knocked out of the competition. But there just wasn't enough action out there. I was hopeful this couple in the park might give me some stiff opposition.

But, alas, that's as far as it got.

In fact to find a winner I had to travel all the way to Mother England to give this Deputy Prime Minister the Aren't I Sexy award. Can you believe it? In the Admiralty Room? I bet that's the first time a heterosexual sex act has ever happened there. Those frigid Brits are making us look like eunuchs. Although I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Didn't President Harper once say that he'd never even seduced his wife? No wonder his government feels so old and tired already.

But it gets even worse in Merry Old England. It turns out everyone in Poodle Blair's right left wing government is having a merry old time! If you don't believe me check out this!

And then there's the Minister who let a thousand dangerous criminals out of jail instead of deporting them. Presumably so he could have fun catching them again. And the Minister of Health who made it into the Guinness Book of Records. By becoming the first human being to be almost lynched by a mob of nurses!

And what is the wizened old George Bush Poodle Tony Blair doing while his government disintegrates around him?

Taking Catholic instruction. And telling us that him and god made the decision to invade Iraq. Hmmm....I guess they were both wrong...Does that mean Blair gets half the blame? Or just that The End is near?

BTW..... Speaking of that.....I hear Bush's new PR team is alarmed by the Chimp's deep rooted conviction that God is telling him to attack Iran. And go down in history as the man who saved the Jews from another holocaust, and above all saved the Christian holy places. So Jesus will have a runway to land on when he comes back. Boy won't that be exciting? Let's just hope the Chimp and the Poodle get their advice from different gods. Or belong to the same gang...

Meanwhile back in boring old Canada... what have we got to look forward to? Oh yeah. The first Conservative budget ....aka the Bribe as Many Voters as you Need for a Majority (especially in Quebec) Plan.Yawn. Although with all those tax cuts for their friends in big business the eventual results should be pretty dramatic. We'll be just be another yankee loving Banana Republic, like this one.

But hey. I want to be fair. I'll just wait and see what's in the budget. You never know I might be surprised. If this can happen.

Anything is possible.

Just don't tell me humans can fly...