Monday, March 12, 2018
Doug Ford and the Enema of My Enemies
Well he's now officially the leader, or the Boss of Bosses, of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario.
After complaining about "serious irregularities" poor old Christine Elliott has hurriedly surrendered.
“After completing my review, I am confident in the results. I extend my congratulations to Doug Ford on a hard-fought campaign.”
And Doug "Meat Head" Ford, Brother of Robbie, has emerged the winner of a grubby Con contest that he lost, but somehow won.
The tussle over the election results arose after Elliott won both the popular vote as well as 64 ridings, compared to Ford’s 60 on the third ballot — yet still lost the race.
But who can blame the shattered Elliott? No doubt she can read the writing on the wall, or see the horse's head of her political career lying at the end of the bed.
Or hear the voice of Mike "Big Mike" Harris calling for party unity.
And he's enough to scare anybody living in Ontario, because Meat Head would take the province to the same place Big Mike did.
You know, ape speak, ape follow.
But the problem for Boss Ford is that not all PC supporters may surrender as easily as Elliott did.
Because as Marcus Gee points out, Dougie is Dougie, and when he was "advising" brother Robbie, it was a living nightmare.
Any notion that Doug would be the calming influence, the "smart Ford," the one who kept his volatile brother on track quickly dissipated when the Fords took power – Rob as mayor, Doug as city councillor and leading adviser. Doug proved just as boastful, just as thin-skinned, just as incurious, just as likely to blow his top.
In city council debates, Doug was out of his depth. He never really learned the ropes at city hall. He never even seemed interested in learning. He was there to attack the place, not make it work. His speeches, like his brother's, were often little more than rants, peppered with error.
Doug Ford couldn't govern if they gave him a dummie's or Robbies's manual.
And for many Con supporters, he'll never be the leader of THEIR PC Party.
Yes, Ford Nation is alive and well and has picked up many supporters across Ontario, but for thousands of other Conservative supporters who had hoped to push the party closer to the mainstream under the leadership of Elliott or Caroline Mulroney, the outcome is a disaster, regardless of any half-hearted appeals for unity.
For them, the party has become synonymous with Ford Nation and all that entails. I suspect many of them will drift away and not support anyone in the coming campaign.
And who can blame them?
When Ford is such a bestial bully, and political thug. A climate change denier, a vulgar buffoon.
A man so shameless he recently had himself anointed in a church to win the support of Tanya Granic Allen's social conservatives.
The ones who propelled him to victory, so they can wage war on women's rights, and LGBT children in our schools.
Which is about as low as you can go, without becoming Robbie...
Or Stevil Harpie.
You know it's ironic. Four years ago Doug Ford said the PC Party needed an enema.
Doug Ford says he would give the Progressive Conservative party a complete “enema” if he was in charge.
“Enema,” he repeats. “Top to bottom.”
Now many Cons are probably prepared to give THEMSELVES an enema, if only they could get rid of Dougie.
Which could very well lead to this Con clown apocalypse...
If Ford fails to pull off an electoral victory in June, we could see a split in party ranks into two separate parties consisting of social conservatives in one camp and party moderates (if there are any left) into a middle-of-the-road progressive alternative.
This leadership campaign represented one final attempt to get all conservatives into a single tent. If Ford blows it, they’re going to need another tent.
Which reminds me of that old saying, the enema of my enemy is my friend.
As well as reminding me what Christopher Hitchens once had to say about the religious bigot Jerry Falwell:
If you gave [Jerry] Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox."
Which is where I suspect Doug Ford's political legacy will also be buried; in a very small match box.
The Cons may have a new leader, but they're out of time and out of history.
The Con media may try to suck and blow them.
But they're still heading for the same old place...