Monday, March 12, 2018

Doug Ford and the Enema of My Enemies

Well he's now officially the leader, or the Boss of Bosses, of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario.

After complaining about "serious irregularities" poor old Christine Elliott has hurriedly surrendered.

“After completing my review, I am confident in the results. I extend my congratulations to Doug Ford on a hard-fought campaign.”

And Doug "Meat Head" Ford, Brother of Robbie, has emerged the winner of a grubby Con contest that he lost, but somehow won.

The tussle over the election results arose after Elliott won both the popular vote as well as 64 ridings, compared to Ford’s 60 on the third ballot — yet still lost the race.

But who can blame the shattered Elliott? No doubt she can read the writing on the wall, or see the horse's head of her political career lying at the end of the bed.

Or hear the voice of Mike "Big Mike" Harris calling for party unity.

And he's enough to scare anybody living in Ontario, because Meat Head would take the province to the same place Big Mike did.

You know, ape speak, ape follow.

But the problem for Boss Ford is that not all PC supporters may surrender as easily as Elliott did.

Because as Marcus Gee points out, Dougie is Dougie, and when he was "advising" brother Robbie, it was a living nightmare.

Any notion that Doug would be the calming influence, the "smart Ford," the one who kept his volatile brother on track quickly dissipated when the Fords took power – Rob as mayor, Doug as city councillor and leading adviser. Doug proved just as boastful, just as thin-skinned, just as incurious, just as likely to blow his top.

In city council debates, Doug was out of his depth. He never really learned the ropes at city hall. He never even seemed interested in learning. He was there to attack the place, not make it work. His speeches, like his brother's, were often little more than rants, peppered with error.

Doug Ford couldn't govern if they gave him a dummie's or Robbies's manual. 

And for many Con supporters, he'll never be the leader of THEIR PC Party.

Yes, Ford Nation is alive and well and has picked up many supporters across Ontario, but for thousands of other Conservative supporters who had hoped to push the party closer to the mainstream under the leadership of Elliott or Caroline Mulroney, the outcome is a disaster, regardless of any half-hearted appeals for unity. 

For them, the party has become synonymous with Ford Nation and all that entails. I suspect many of them will drift away and not support anyone in the coming campaign.

And who can blame them?

When Ford is such a bestial bully, and political thug. A climate change denier, a vulgar buffoon.

A man so shameless he recently had himself anointed in a church to win the support of Tanya Granic Allen's social conservatives. 

The ones who propelled him to victory, so they can wage war on women's rights, and LGBT children in our schools.

Which is about as low as you can go, without becoming Robbie...

Or Stevil Harpie.

You know it's ironic. Four years ago Doug Ford said the PC Party needed an enema. 

Doug Ford says he would give the Progressive Conservative party a complete “enema” if he was in charge.

An enema? 

“Enema,” he repeats. “Top to bottom.”

Now many Cons are probably prepared to give THEMSELVES an enema, if only they could get rid of Dougie.

Which could very well lead to this Con clown apocalypse...

If Ford fails to pull off an electoral victory in June, we could see a split in party ranks into two separate parties consisting of social conservatives in one camp and party moderates (if there are any left) into a middle-of-the-road progressive alternative.

This leadership campaign represented one final attempt to get all conservatives into a single tent. If Ford blows it, they’re going to need another tent.

Which reminds me of that old saying, the enema of my enemy is my friend.

As well as reminding me what Christopher Hitchens once had to say about the religious bigot Jerry Falwell:

If you gave [Jerry] Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox."

Which is where I suspect Doug Ford's political legacy will also be buried; in a very small match box.

The Cons may have a new leader, but they're out of time and out of history.

The Con media may try to suck and blow them.

But they're still heading for the same old place...


  1. Anonymous1:07 PM

    Don't kid yourself, cons will follow the leader.

    1. hi anon@1:07 PM...we'll see about that. I think quite a few PC supporters will either stay at home or vote for the Liberals or the NDP. They may be debased creatures but Doug Ford is too much even for them...

  2. Anonymous3:33 PM

    "The tussle over the election results arose after Elliott won both the popular vote as well as 64 ridings, compared to Ford’s 60 on the third ballot — yet still lost the race."

    So in essence, all the small towns and villages which are populated by mostly Dotards handed Dougy the win thanks to the Con's goofy points system. Christine however, seems to have gotten over it rather quickly with offers I'm sure she couldn't refuse(ka-ching).
    So now we have our own version of an ill suited, bragadocious bully who wants to become leader except we've seen the reults of that to our south. Encore anyone?
    I cant wait to see how Doug the slug responds to the many tough, awkward questions he will undoubtedly face. Will we get the Doug with the perpetual look of I wanna rip your face off or will we get a much kinder, gentler Doug who tells us he just wants to make it work?


    1. hi JD...It really is incredible, no other party could hold such a corrupt election, and then settle for such fixed results. And yes, Christine Elliott folded like a cheap suit. The bestial Cons have the smell of cheese in their nostrils, and they value power above everything. And thanks for the Doug and the Slugs video. I'm holding out for the Doug and the Hogs video, for this is without a doubt the lowest Canada has ever fallen...

  3. Anonymous5:00 PM

    Please grab some Jabba the Hutt shots and work Doug the Slug into your pictorials!

    1. hi anon@5:00 PM...I'm sorry, Jabba the Hutt is reserved for ghastly Trudeau haters like the Disaffected Liberal and others. But don't worry, I will find other monsters to represent the horror of Doug Ford...

  4. Anonymous5:18 PM

    I see you are planning to have fun with Dougie ;) I can't believe that somebody like him could be elected to lead any Canadian party, but the Cons are less and less Canadian and more like Trump supporters every day, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. As you said on Twitter, if Ford becomes the Premier of Ontario the whole world will be laughing at us.

    1. hi anon@5:18 PM...I wouldn't call it fun, for I am genuinely shocked that such a grotesque bully bigot could be the leader of any Canadian party. But I will do my best to portray Ford as the beast he is to those who not living in Ontario might be unaware of his low nature. But yes, thanks to the Cons Canada has fallen a long way, and only the decency of Trudeau can save us...

  5. Jackie Blue6:05 PM

    Oh, sweet Jesus on a piece of French toast covered in maple syrup and sculpted into buttery males with the right to bears in arms! Whatever you do, Canada, don't elect another fat orange menace to any office anywhere within your borders. Not hall monitor, not restroom attendant, not Tim Horton's Employee of the Month, and certainly not the premier of the second-largest and most populous province that's home to the nation's capital! Yooge, terrific ratings for a reboot of the U.S. reality TV series "Because It's 2016" reeeeeally aren't worth the biglier trouble such an arrangement would cause. A WWE-style lout versus a disliked woman in a pants suit with political baggage? I can't even look at this trainwreck of a rerun. Hurry up and change the channel before it's too late!

    1. hi Jackie...I feel like you, although French toast covered in butter and maple syrup, is a consolation rather than anything else. ;) But seriously, you're right, it is an appalling spectacle, and I have to admit it's making me feel ashamed to be a Canadian. But the good news is that if Ford is crushed like a bug, he will end up destroying the PC party, And if he doesn't he will end up giving Justin Trudeau the biggest majority this country has ever seen. So the way I see it, we can't lose...

  6. Sadly, like in the 2016 U.S. presidential election, Ontario's voters have now been left with little choice.

    1. Hi Political may not be an ideal choice, but let's be clear, either Wynne or Horwath would be an infinitely better choice than the bestial Doug Ford. And progressives better be prepared to put away their petty partisanship and support the candidate better placed to destroy that beast, or this country will be plunged into another nightmare, that could very well tear it apart...

  7. if Ford becomes the Premier of Ontario the whole world will be laughing at us.

    Yes, Rob was fun--note I do not live in Toronto--but Doug is a worry. If elected, he may not have the self-discipline to lead a party. And unlike fixed terms down South, unemployment is only one vote of non-confidence away

    1. hi in the heart of Toronto I got quite a few occasions to examine Doug Ford close up, and he's even worse in person than he is on TV. In fact, he's such a brutish political thug that Canadians need to take a good look at themselves in the mirror and ask themselves how this could happen, and how low have they and their country fallen?

  8. Anonymous8:09 PM

    Only the Cons would call that corrupt election anything but a scam. It's a joke, the Cons are crooks. The Con media are their skanky stooges. And all those scum buckets should be shamed and/or jailed.

    1. follow the money, who got the money honey?

    2. hi anon@8:09...I agree completely, that leadership race was a corrupt scam, just like the federal Con leadership race was. But the Con media did a lousy job of covering it, and will no doubt spend the next two months trying to convince us that Dougie is really a teddy bear, and that the glass is half full. This aging nation is now crawling in the gutter, and only the new generation can save it...

  9. The problem is the progressives once elected become pols. Chum deals, corruption disguised as incompetence. Then finally the sell out. The sale of Hydro One is ten times worse than the sale of the 407. We sold off all that land for peanuts.

    So if Doug Ford becomes the Premier and I predict he will in a landslide, we can only blame ourselves.

    Platitudes about social justice are good, but they are no substitute for good goverment.

    1. hi Steve...I agree power does have a tendency to corrupt, or make people forget why they were elected. And I also agree that if Ford elected premier we will have to blame ourselves. However let's be clear, Ontario is booming, Doug Ford could never provide better government, and if not defeated will tank this entire country...

  10. Anonymous10:34 PM

    Great post Simon, its certainly better to laugh than cry. Seems lady luck is a republican these days where a seemingly random small piece of bad luck has major consequences. The most notable one is the Weiner hard drive that cost Hillary the election, poof a 5 point lead gone overnight. Then there is the Dougie buzzard who is able to spot self inflicted carnage hundreds of km away.
    Admittedly progress is not linear and collectively we do seem determined to relive the 50's but weighed down with 2020 problems. The 50's were not structured to deal with 2020 problems so the illusion will quickly collapse into something more sinister or as a society we can dump the Trumps and Dougies of the world, rise to the challenges and move forward. Given half a chance lady luck will follow!

    1. hi RT...thank you, I'm glad you liked the post. I'm such a prude I agonized whether I should have put a word like "enema" in the headline. ;) But yes, I will not let any Con ruin my life or stop me from laughing at them. It's my tiny contribution to our struggle, and I remain totally convinced that we will all have the last laugh. I look far into the distance, and see a better day coming...