Monday, January 17, 2011
Stephen Harper and Mr Monster
Oh boy. Some of my friends are ALWAYS criticizing me for portraying Stephen Harper as a Monster Man.
They say he's weird, he's bitter, he's vindictive, he's a bully who likes to see fear in the eyes of others. He does crazy things like kill the census just because it gave him a woody. And yes he probably enjoys the livers of his enemies with a good bottle of Chianti.
But let's not exaggerate Simon, this is CANADA eh?
So I tell them...What's a matter with you fools? Are you going blind from wanking too much? Like most of the mass media in this country.
What do you want me to call him? Dr Jekyll Harper and Mr Hyde Harper?
There is that nice Dr. Jekyll Harper. Reassuringly boring and stolid, he tells the people of Canada the priority must be to govern the nation in a stable, responsible manner so that the fragile economic recovery can be allowed to continue undisturbed.
But then there is that nasty Mr. Hyde Harper. He is a very different proposition. Mr. Hyde Harper is back on his dime of wanting to bankrupt the opposition parties by bringing big money back into politics on terms that will only work for his party.
And Mr. Hyde Harper demands support in the election or, he threatens, the opposition parties will... will.... WORK TOGETHER. Yes they will, and that must be stopped.
Hmmm....well....oh no....damn. My monster has got some competition. Because that DOES sound like him. And only a crazy man could call working together bad AND dangerous.
No wonder his private make-up artist has to spend HOURS working on his hairy hands, before he's ready to appear in public.
OMG !!!! I think I see him now !!!!
Hyde Harper, in the Con War Room with his loyal manservant Dimitri, getting ready to go out and destroy the Coalition of TRAITORS.
And going over his long list of enemies...
Yikes. I don't know if you found that as scary as I did eh? Who knew the dumb Dimitri could look so CREEPY?
But I do know why Hyde Harper is scared SHITLESS about the idea of any kind of coalition.
Because a Liberal-NDP coalition would land him on the ropes, and a united left would put a wooden stake through the black heart of his zombie government. And send them all back to hell.... or Alberta.
Oh boy. Tomorrow or the next day I'll explain how Harper's plans to cut subsidies to political parties could give him a majority, and lead to the breakup of Canada.
But tonight I just want to end by saying tell your neighbours not to believe him when puts on one of his Mr Almost Nice costumes, and claims he's half human...
Because he's Dr Half Nuts and Mr Half Crazy. And since you never know which voice in his head is talking to you, he's also extremely DANGEROUS.
The good news?
The day we UNITE. Oh happy day.
The clouds will part. The sun will come out.
And Mr Monster WILL melt....
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