Thursday, December 08, 2011
Stephen Harper's Very Scary Christmas Party
OMG. I don't know whether I should tell you, because you'll NEVER believe me. But I went to Stephen Harper's Con Christmas party last night. And boy was it SCARY.
Of course, the theme WAS fear and paranoia.
Suspicious Conservatives are vetting guests to their annual caucus Christmas party in Ottawa Wednesday night, ensuring there are no spies or interlopers in the crowd. Anyone, who is not a bona fide member of Stephen Harper’s team (lobbyists and journalists, for example) must be in a committed relationship with one in order to gain entry.
The invitation is very clear about who is – and who is not – allowed to come and tip a glass of Christmas cheer: “If you choose to bring a guest,” it reads, “please ensure that he or she is a close personal acquaintance, unless he or she is your partner, is not a lobbyist, consultant, or journalist, or employed in a similar capacity, and is not there is any commercial capacity.”
So it wasn't exactly "It's a Wonderful Life." More like "The Nightmare Before Christmas." But then who should be surprised eh?
Didn't someone who once worked with him say that Great Ugly Leader likes to see fear in the eyes of others? And besides the Cons are such docile sheep they probably don't mind being treated like children.
One senior Tory noted the guidelines “read like the rules for a Grade 9 prom: Keep a safe distance. No touching. Chaperons will be watching. Sidewalks roll up at midnight.”
But of course I'm no lamb, and I wasn't afraid to go.
Because I went with Harper's handmaiden Jason Kenney...
I was prepared to swear on the heap of Bibles next to the Baby Jesus tree, and Great Leader's statue, that I'm just as committed to Jasonella, as I am to any of my other five wives.
And of course, when visiting Lord Harper's lair, there is always safety in numbers.
But let me tell you I'm glad I went, because it was absolutely FABULOUS.
All the Cons got a chance to kiss Great Leader's ring AND his ass !!! And not just once but TWICE !!!!!
And as for the entertainment, it was better, in a ghastly sort of way, than even I expected.
Tony Clement's reading of that old Christmas classic "The Ghost of Gazebos Past" complete with clanking chains, and the voice of the Auditor General, "Tony...Tony..." had everybody trembling in their boots. And clutching their wallets.
The old Con zombie Vic Toews, who really does need to be chaperoned, so he doesn't throw even MORE Canadians in jail, was equally impressive...
Then there was Peter MacKay, who almost brought down the helicopter.... I mean the house. By starting off singing "I Left My Salmon in Gander." And suddenly, switching to " But I left My Heart in Belgium.
Which needless to say was warmly received. Because everybody seemed to agree that the longer he is out of the country, the better it is for the Conservatives.
Still, not everything went according to plan. When Dean Del Mastro, dressed as Santa, rode into the ballroom on a chuck wagon, the Alberta Con Jim Finger Guns Hillyer, got so carried away he pulled out a pair of real revolvers, fired several shots into the air, brought down a big chandelier.
And in the darkness and the confusion somebody stepped on little Jimbo Flaherty.
However, I'm happy to report that they all agreed to blame the CBC. And that despite the state of the Canadian economy.
Little Jimbo was able to pull himself together.
And deliver this inspiring song...
Which was sooooooo popular they had to roll out another 50 gallons of punch in a dirty oil barrel. So they could drink a frenzied toast to the death of Kyoto.
But wait, the BEST was still to come !!! When Great Leader himself took to the stage.*Gasp* As Jane Taber suggested he might:
Last year, he performed a five-song set with his garage band, Herringbone, playing Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline and the Guess Who’s Share the Land. Given success of his recent performances – he also wowed a gala crowd at the National Arts Centre with a Beatles tune the year before – it would be no surprise if he takes to the stage again.
And had his faithful flock running for the exits, gasping for air.
But still desperately trying to be seen to applaud.
His Christmas message to the nation....
Which of course is when I woke up and realized it was all a nightmare.
And when I wrote a new letter to Santa.
Dear Santy... forget about the fancy drum set eh? For I have seen the true meaning of Christmas.
And all I really need and want is a REAL Canadian government....