Tuesday, January 06, 2009

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Recession

All that recession talk getting you down ? Don't like the idea of picking up your dinner from the foodbank...or sleeping on a bench instead of a bed? Can't see yourself selling pigeon pies or chestnuts in the street ?

Can't shake that sinking feeling that the bubble is about to burst?

Five prominent economists who correctly predicted the 2008 world economic meltdown say the crisis is only going to get worse.

"Beware the happy talk from those who say we are 'turning the corner.....Ignore the daily ups and downs of the market and tighten your belts. This is going to hurt....As the U.S. economy shrinks, the entire global economy will go into recession. In Europe, Canada, Japan and the other advanced economies, it will be severe."

All that bad news making you feel like this little guy?

Well don't worry. Be happy. There's always a bright side to everything.

For example, if you lose your job like millions of others, and are forced to work as an organ grinder, you'll be able to hire Ezra Levant to be your monkey...... for peanuts....for writing this shite.

And besides who says poverty needs to be a bummer? When if the bubble bursts you can have a bubble bath

Only one thing's going to get us through 2009, and that's romance. And possibly cannibalism. But mainly romance.

Dim your lights. Here's the highlights reel. The worst recession in 60 years. Broken windows and artless graffiti. Howling winds blowing empty cans past boarded-up shopfronts. Feral children eating sloppy handfuls of decomposed-pigeon-and-baked-bean mulch scraped from the bottom of dustbins in a desperate bid to survive

But maybe it won't be so bad. Picture yourself sharing a meal with a neighbour. Or maybe a bath. A bubble bath. Look, there are little tealight candles round the edge of the tub. And you're having a glass of red wine together! It's lovely! Assuming you have attractive neighbours. If not, sorry.

Mark my words, you'd be wise to practice your romancing skills now, because when, circa October, we're huddled together in shelters sharing body heat to survive, the ability to whisper sweet nothings could prove useful. Come the dawn, you'll need to pair up with someone to go hunting for supplies with, and it'll help if you've been cuddling all night.

The world outside will be dangerous, so there'll have to be two of you. One to root through the abandoned Woolworth's stockrooms and another to stand outside warding off fellow scavengers with a flaming rag on a stick.

Hmmm....you know I think I could learn to love the Greatest Depression. The cuddling, the bubble baths, the flaming torches, the thought of Ezra....the organ grinder's monkey.... who predicted it wouldn't happen.

And of course I LOVE the idea of sharing with my fellow Canadians...you know...like Prince Harry was doing with his friends the other day.

Sucking beer out of a bong....

Now we're talking eh?

C'mon Canadians cheer up. At this point I figure all we've got to fear...apart from fear itself and Stephen Harper...is too much sobriety.

Our ugly neighbours.

And of course the cannibals....

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous2:53 PM

    Well there is barter. What do you think I could trade a story for? Too bad I don't know how to do plumbing.