Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Search for Life in Outer Space Gets Serious

For years I've been using a crude but powerful transmitter to beam a signal into outer space...demanding to know who the hell was responsible for sending me to Planet Earth. And what the fuck are they waiting for to RESCUE me????

But I never expected to hear from them. Until now.

The Allen Telescope Array will be like 200 million Jodie Fosters sitting out there listening...We don't know how many needles are in the galactic haystack of 400 billion stars, but I think we will find (signals from intelligent civilizations) by 2025....

Two hundred MILLION Jodie Fosters listening for aliens?

That'll drive the crazy guy from Taxi Driver even crazier. Are you LISTENING to ME? Are you LISTENING to ME?

And what WILL we do if we find them?

The good news is we have a PLAN....

No response to a signal or other evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence should be sent until appropriate international consultations have taken place. The procedures for such consultations will be the subject of a separate agreement, declaration or arrangement.

The bad news is the discovery that we're not alone could cause humans to act even MORE like humans.

Reactions to a detection (or non-detection) can range from indifference through mild positive or negative curiosity, through millennial enthusiasm or catastrophist anxiety, to full scale pronoia or paranoia....A few reactions would probably be irrationally extreme or even violent.

OMFG...not full scale PRONOIA...which reminds me..... what if the aliens are just like us? Only CRAZIER.

Will we really have to send Bruce Willis after them? Or will THEY come after us?

Uh oh....I think I'm going to be sending out a new message along with my please call Earth one. Something like this...

Dear Cosmic Neighbours.

My name is Simon and I live on Planet Earth where I was sent by the civilized galaxy of Gayzonia to study the primitive creatures (humans) who live here. It was a horrible mistake needless to say.... And I'm afraid I've got some really BAD news to pass on. Not only are these humans extremely violent and completely crazy.They're LOOKING for you!!!!

The good news is that since I come from the so-called rainbow galaxy I'm different. I'm friendly. I'm open to new experiences ....and I don't care how green or how blobby you are.

So if you do decide to invade Earth I'd be HAPPY to be your tour guide. I'll explain everything. I'll show you all the neat places...and point out all the people you absolutely HAVE to kill...or ZAP with your ray guns.

And all I ask is that when you have finished torching this miserable planet, that you drop me off at my civilized little galaxy on the way home.

Oh yes....and that you take this nasty alien with you as well...

And just dump him ANYWHERE.

Or EAT him.

Because this monster came from some crazy evil neocon planet . And he's REALLY dangerous.

Your ONLY friend on Earth


You know if Stephen Harper DOES get a majority I won't be the only Canadian looking up at the sky praying for deliverance.

We all will.

As for the aliens out you think it would help if I sent them this video as well?

No. I didn't think so either.

Oh boy.....we better hope there's NOBODY out there.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!


Anonymous said...


100% grade on this one!!!

p.s. could you change the "I" to "we" in your letter - I would like to sign it as well, and I bet I am not alone.

Anonymous said...

haha....i think there's plenty of us who want to sign on to your letter! i'm not sure aliens would eat steve though....i mean, they could try but i think they'd spit the toxic thing out.

Anonymous said...

Simon is ur spaceship big enough to take Sebastian or do you have
another bf there? :O

Simon said...

Hi Sassy!! No problem. My space ship is big enough for us all..:)
But seriously sometimes I wish the aliens WOULD abduct I could get away from all the craziness, look back at the Earth and wonder WTF have we done?

Hi Scoutie!! yeah I bet I'm not alone.But as for putting Steve on the grill...he may taste pretty icky...but nobody would go hungry...:)

Hi anonymous!! Yes I am taking Sebastien. I do have FOUR boyfriends back in Gayzonia. But FIVE is better.... ;)

Feynman and Coulter's Love Child said...

The good news is that since I come from the so-called rainbow galaxy I'm different. I'm friendly. I'm open to new experiences ....and I don't care how green or how blobby you are.

You heard it here, er...second... folks. Them people ain't really human.

Simon said...

Hi Feynman...I only have three things to say to you. One...smurfbarf.
Two...just because I don't sleep with right-wingers coz they're so icky doesn't mean I don't like humans.
And three...have you changed the name of your blog yet?
I would...