Saturday, January 02, 2010

Rex Smurphy, Sarah Palin, and the Asshole Bomber

You know how I was feeling pretty optimistic about 2010 the other day eh? Well I changed my mind.

First Sébastien came down with some sort of stomach flu. Then I started to feel queasy. Then my doggy ate a cheesy hoover doover, and left a soggy dump...the size of Mount Everest... all over the carpet.

Then I vomited.

But even that wasn't as bad as reading Rex Smurphy's latest dump.

The ferocity they applied to the Republican vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, in contrast with the timidity they brought to his campaign, will in time come to be seen as one of the most shameful episodes in American journalism. Not so much for what they did to Ms. Palin, but for what they neglected to do in examining the candidate for the office that really counted.

Because if they had ...and they did... the American people would have concluded that the senile Johnny McCain would have made a better Commander in Chief, and the redneck from Wasilla has what it takes to be one heart beat away from the Presidency?

Huh? Or should that be Hee Haw? Because Obama may be imperfect, but he's still better than that.

I mean really. I know this horrible little Con is a monumental bore, a climate change denier who turns PMO talking points into fart balloons ....when he's not going on and on about Pamela Anderson's boobs. But does he have to be such an IDIOT?

And why are there so many right-wing assholes in Canada who are paid big bucks to make us all look like rednecks...or tweedle dummies?

Is THIS who we really are? Talk about Time passing people by. Isn't it about time this Con freak show was RETIRED?

Oh boy. It's almost enough to make me head for the airport, and buy a ticket to ANYWHERE.

Except with the temperature hovering around -25 degrees outside, it's not ideal travelling weather.

Especially since the situation is even more desperate than that eh?

Aislin forgot to tell us to wear a pair of diapers in case we need to go to the washroom during the flight...and don't want to risk getting SHOT.

Or warn us that the worst is still to come.

Now we found someone who was made to believe he could kill people with an asshole bomb, and so it follows that the TSA will have to ban -- or at least inspect -- our assholes. They're like opinions, you know, everybody's got one. Except, of course, most of us got to keep our assholes to ourselves. Not anymore.

Gawd. Stephen Harper, Sarah Palin, Rex Smurphy, Don Cherry, AND the asshole bombers. Why when I think of one of them do I think of all the others?

Oh well. Nothing is going to bring me down. I'm just going to have to put on my lucky tuque and hope that 2010 will see the end of all of them.

Because that's how I feel about all assholes... who cloud my life. And so does my NEW doggy.

At least this is what he thinks of Smurphy...

OK. I know. But the idea is to try to keep smiling...even in Con Canada. Even when you're sick.

Even when they ask you to bend over.

Remember it can only get BETTER.

Welcome to 2010...


Oemissions said...

Seems like you can't stomach Harper anymore but have still maintained your sense of humour.
Happy New Year Simon!

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog, and think you are confusing your dog's droppings with intelligent discussion.

Or perhaps you ate what he ate and you are experiencing verbal excrement.

Yes, I understand you see things very different from other people, but why not take the time to explain why your views are different than just foaming at the mouth!

As as for better things in 2010 - yup, we can even hope for a majority Conservative federal government so we can get beyond the stupid politics all parties are playing.

Stephen B

Emma said...

Happy New Year Simon! Always enjoy reading your blog.Hope you all feel better soon. Emma

Simon said...

hi Oemissions...well I'm trying to hold on to my sense of humour, because let's not kid ourselves we are living in dark times.
But now that I've re-read this post I must remember not to write anything when I'm ill, when the memory of what Kerouac did is still so
And after mixing two aspirins and a ginger ale... :)
Happy New Year Oemissions !!!

Simon said...

hi Stephen...well I must say I'm not exactly overjoyed that you found my blog. ;)
But now that you have, may I ask if you were born without a sense of humour, or did you lose it somewhere?
But then being a Con you wouldn't understand. One of my roles in life is to cheer up the progressive side so they can keep up their spirits and dump your side in the garbage can of history.
As for this:

yup, we can even hope for a majority Conservative federal government so we can get beyond the stupid politics all parties are playing.

What did YOU have for supper? Talk about verbal excrement. Muahahahaha...

Simon said...

Hi Emma...thank you. And Happy New Year to you !!!!
I'm happy to report that both of us are feeling a bit better, and the BEST news is.... so is the doggy... :)

Ck said...

Oh Simon, I didn't know you & your dog were sick.

Feel better soon! Both of you's that is!

Also,am using my new site as url id when I comment here, hence no avatar this time; sorry!

Simon said...

hi CK...oh yes we wuz sick, Especially Sebastien. I think I can safely say it was our worst New Year's Eve EVAH. And then to get up in the middle of the night and find Kerouac's present in the middle of the carpet. And have to use practically a whole roll of paper towel to mop it up, weak and feverish and gagging the whole time. I mean can you blame me for feeling it was a bad omen?
But now I'm feeling like my usual self. And I'm feeling optimistic again, because I just took the doggy out and he had PERFECT dump. Living in Con Canada what more can I ask for? :)

Jim Parrett said...

Even in illness Simon, you nailed Murphy for what he is - a bellicose old fart who detests democracy and freedom as much as he loves the destructive impulses of a conservative mind.

CanNurse said...

Simon, You column today is terrific! I'm SO glad to hear you talk about the Smurphy that way - I thought it was only me! Every time I hear him on CBC radio, I really really wonder...."WHYYY???" Followed by, "How Old is that guy, anyway??? He's been talking (& talking & talking...) as long as I can remember! LUV your cartoon, too!
And re Harp, our dear old Slime Minister.......
You've inspired me to TRY.... at least to TRY, to keep a hopeful heart!

ur merit said...

Simon!ur new year blog really entertained me and 'asshole bomb'haha.hope u getting better so do sebastian and that dog!i miss ya!

Simon said...

hi Jymn... maybe it was because I wasn't feeling too well that reading Smurphy pushed me over the edge. ;)
Did you know that he ran three times for the provincial Liberals in Newfoundland...and three times he was defeated. If only the CBC and the Globe and Mail were as smart as those Newfoundlanders...

Simon said...

hi Can Nurse...well I'm very glad that I'm not the only one who feels that way about Smurphy. I was going to write he's here, he's there, he's EVERYWHERE. WHY? WHY? WHY? But you beat me to it. :)
I think what I hate most about his work...apart from the fact it's always straight out of the Harper handbook, is his total lack of idealism, and his creepy comments about women like Britney Spears and Pamela Anderson. *Shudder*
They'll NEVER convince me that there aren't better men and women to highlight on the CBC.
And yes, we must keep a hopeful heart if we are going to build a better Canada. As a nurse, I have no doubt that you know what that kinder, gentler Canada looks like.
The challenge for us all is to make our dreams come true. And one thing is for sure, we must never give up because the alternative is too awful...

Simon said...

hi Ur Merit...I miss you too. How are things in China? I've read some hopeful things, so I hope that your studies are going well and that you are happy.
It's going to be the Year of the Tiger I you know I'm expecting you to be a tiger too grrrrrrrrr.... :)

About Me said...

Keep up the good work. As we have reached the bottom with this slime minister as someone called him it can only get better from here.