Thursday, April 26, 2007

John Baird and the Conservative Bulb Screwers

I spent the evening playing soccer in the rain and the mud, so when I got home and turned on the tv I thought I'd been hit by lightning. And didn't know it. What a shock!!

There was John Baird selling his phony clean air plan. Standing in front of a huge picture of two young people looking really happy. As if he was trying to save their future... instead of trying to kill it. Killing Kyoto and shaming us in the eyes of the world. Trying to look brilliant. But looking sooooo dum.

What a fucking loser..

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, seeking to keep an oil-driven economic expansion alive amid a U.S. slowdown, won't impose hard caps on greenhouse-gas emissions from oil companies and other industrial polluters.

What a fucking fraud

It's hard to imagine a sloppier piece of writing, filled with bulls--t in the true philosophic sense of the word.

A bullsh--ter, wrote Princeton philosopher Harry Frankfurt, "does not care whether the things he says describe reality correctly. He just picks them out, or makes them up, to suit his purpose."

So of course I tuned it all out....

What I wanted to know was ......what about those fancy lightbulbs?

And of course....the obvious question....HOW MANY IDIOT CONS WOULD IT TAKE TO SCREW ONE IN?

Hmmm...let's see....

Two to steal the idea from Ontario AND Australia.

Six to decide whether to screw it right as hard as they can....or pretend to turn it left because it's politically convenient.

A committee of ten, chaired by the PM's Primper (and Psychic in Chief), to decide whether Great Girly Leader's makeup looks better with the new bulbs. Or worse.....

If that's possible....

A subcommittee of the makeup committee made up of the Primper, John Baird, and Mrs Harper. To decide whether Harper's eunuch can wear a glowing pink neon hat when taking out the PM's wife. Or whether it would be too provocative. And he should just get a smaller version and use it to brighten up his closet.

A committee of six religious wingnuts chaired by Stockwell Day. To decide whether the bulbs are just a gimmick, or could actually help the earth survive....and delay the End of the World and the Return of the Messiah. Which of course would be a Crime Against God.

A committee of one chaired by the Village Idiot Rona Ambrose to determine where to dump all those dangerous mercury filled bulbs.

If a CFL breaks, try not to inhale the remains, and keep children clear. Carefully sweep up the broken pieces (rather than vacuuming.) Put the broken pieces in a plastic bag and wipe down the area where the pieces fell with a damp towel. Then throw the towel in the bag and dispose of the bag as hazardous waste.

Before we all come down with Conamata Disease, and start shaking uncontrollably. And talking in tongues...

Oh I know Rona was a bust as Environment Minister. But all she's got to do is look for a big hole in rural that shouldn't be too hard.

A military committee of two ( Great Fat but Pretty Chickenhawk Harper and General "Mad Dog" Hillier) to decide whether instead of just dumping the toxic bulbs. We can drop them on the Taliban... and save on ammunition.

A committee of two (Myron Thompson and the even dummer Peter Mackay) to man a War Room ...monitor John Baird and the bulbs 24/7....

And call the Fire Department.....if necessary. Or in Myron's case the Fag Police.

And finally, the Posse Commitatus of the Chosen One (Jason Kenney) To screw a bulb gently into Great Fat Leader's ass. So the rest of the Con Caucus can find their way to it in the dark more easily. And kiss his cheeks instead of his hole. Coz only the eunuch can do that......

Add it all up and what do we have? An entire Con Caucus needed to screw in a light bulb. And a whole neocon government determined to screw us...and the planet.

Yikes! It would be depressing....if I hadn't learned something REALLY useful today.

When those Cons start to splutter and smoke as they are now...and finally burnout. I'm going to do my green duty. Be a real goody goody.

Wrap them like mummies in biodegradable toilet paper.

And take them to the hazardous waste dump...


  1. i like the idea of steve screwing a bulb into his up canada with methane. of course, this could be done by placing in a con mouth too....sort of like uncle fester.

    why am i dreaming of blue butt flames and steve's ass hair singeing???

  2. Hi Scoutie!! Oh geez I forgot about methane. In China they used to call it "bowel gas" they would run plastic pipes from the communal shitter in a village, and use it to light their homes.
    With all the shit these crazy tories speak all we gotta do is stick a pipe in them and there should be enough bowel gas to light up Canada from coast to coast to coast...:)

  3. Sheryl Crow says only 1 to 3 squares of TP per visit....mummification is going to be tricky... :)