Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Doggy Horror and the Law of the Jungle

Uh Oh... more disturbing news out of Alberta... As you know I've been making a real effort to try to portray the redneck province in a more positive light. And a couple of weeks ago when I read this story, I figured I'd hit the jackpot.

Or whatever they call it in Rube

Finally a good reason for other Canadians to visit the province. Not only lots and lots of cheap cars!!!!

But lots and lots of desperate hookers who'll do ANYTHING for five bucks!!!! As long as you got a motel room....

But now I'm afraid I'm going to have to issue a travel advisory.....In addition to the permanent warnings in place about rampant homophobia, religious wingnutery, bad air, criminal greed, and of course impending desertification.

But this advisory is even worse than a regular Alberta Alert. It's so horrible I can hardly describe it.

It turns out the rubes have been dragging dogs behind their pickup trucks. And then other rubes chase after the doggy draggers and try to lynch them.

Daisy Duke had a broken neck, back and pelvis, a bag pulled over her head, a rope around her neck and all four legs bound.

A 100-metre trail of blood showed where the dog had been dragged behind a vehicle.

My first reaction after reading this story was to side with the mob and think about what should be done with the dog draggers. Should they be mutilated before being lynched? Or simply drawn and quartered?

Like this guy...

he prisoner(s) were hanged in the normal way (i.e. without a drop to ensure that the neck was not broken) but cut down whilst still conscious. The penis and testicles were cut off and the stomach was slit open. The intestines and heart were removed and burned before them. The other organs were torn out and finally the head was cut off and the body divided into four quarters. The head and quarters were parboiled to prevent them rotting too quickly and then displayed upon the city gates as a grim warning to all."

At first it sounded just about right....especially the parboiled part.... But then I changed my mind. I'm a huge animal lover. I can't stand cruelty of any kind. And I love my dog Kerouac almost as much as I love myself. Which as you know is a lot. But what's the good of killing monsters if you are just going to become a monster yourself?

That's why I have always been against the death penalty. Not because I feel sorry for the monsters and killers. But because we have to be better than them. If not what's the point?
So naturally I am against stringing up this guy.

What the hell good would that do? He'd just be one more body in a country that has been turned into a slaughterhouse.

As that Baghdad Burning blogger JJ links to writes:

"Iraq has not been this bad in decades. The occupation is a failure. The various pro-American, pro-Iranian Iraqi governments are failures. The new Iraqi army is a deadly joke. Is it really time to turn Saddam into a martyr?"

Exactly...instead of just letting him fade away in a lonely jail cell in some boring place like Switzerland they'll kill him. And ten years from now there will be a statue of Saddam just where the old one was. But what do you expect? The United States set up the Iraqi Court, paid for it, and advises it.

So naturally it's just a copy of murderous Amerika and its state sanctioned Death Machine. (Sigh) Wouldn't North America look so pretty and blue without that ugly red stain?

You'd think after all the tragic errors of the Iraq war, the Americans would be smarter and better than that. But they're not because in murderous Amerika capital punishment is all about revenge. Instead of results.

Won't they ever learn? Don't they understand that hanging Hussein won't make things better. It will only make them worse. Or that if you're not fighting for a better more civilized world, you're fighting and dying for nothing. You have to be pretty dum not to understand that.

Or a dog........ Like my pal Kerouac.

When I asked him what should be done to the doggy draggers in Alberta. Here's what he had to say...

The way I see it.....he may be the best doggy pal in the world.

But the law of the jungle is the law of the jungle.

So that's why I'm in charge.

Oh yeah BTW....if anyone knows of any OTHER good reason I shouldn't visit the redneck province of Alberta.

Please let me know. Thanks...


  1. I lived in Alberta for a while a couple years ago and it was VERY nice to be back in Toronto.

    I have some funny Banff stories on my Blog.

  2. utterly despicalbe!!!!! those red neck dog draggers should be sentenced to life in a kennel.....same food, one walk a day, no bed save for a blanket on the cement. no bathroom.

    as for capital punishment, the meaning of 'civilized' doess not mean hiring and ordering someone to kill someone for you. ass far as i'm concerned they can sock all the murderers and rapisst who are way beyond reasonable doubt onto an island and they can live amongst themselves. no supplies. survival from minute one up. patrol the hell out of the island (a very remote one), and it will probably ssave a lot of money in the end run too.

    dogs. geeze...they're sentient beings! no excuse. none.

  3. Let's see.....

    1) Alberta hates dirty bum pleasures

    2) Alberta hates punishing environmentally unfriendly companies

    3) Edmonton Oilers

    4) Super God Squad HQ

    5) Alberta would re-elect King Ralph, again, if Alberta could

    6) Fallow Field legislation

    7) I think Alberta gave Harper his leather vest & cowboy hat (I'm sure you know the picture I'm thinking of)

    8) the Stampede

    That's about it. As for good reasons to visit, I can come up with 3.

    1) I have a good friend in Calgary who faithfully votes Commie Pinko every chance he gets

    2) Both my sisters, their hubbies, and my two neices live there (Red Deer & Medicine Hat respecively)

    3) It's on the way to BC

  4. Great post, it made me laugh and cry and laugh again. And I'm glad to hear you love yourself a lot!:)

  5. Hi Peter ...thanks for dropping by...nice blog! I don't know about your other Banff stories. But I read your Halloween story and it was really scary. First I laughed and then I fainted!:) All the best brother...

    Hey Scouty! I know what you mean...last summer I was biking when I saw a group of kids swerve their car to hit a poor raccoon that was crossing the road. I jumped off my bike and chased the car for about a block before I gave up. I don't know how anyone can be so casually cruel. But as for these dog draggers....I got the perfect punishment. They should be sentenced to spend every weekend for five years working for free at the SPCA cleaning up dog shit.And one year in prison for every day they miss....

    Hi Jay!! Wow that's quite a list. A good one too :) Although, as you point out, I do realize that there are good people in Alberta, just as there are in Sakatchewan...ahem.
    And it frustrates me that Alberta would be so great, but settles for so much less. Until that changes I'm gonna have to go with your last good reason to visit Alberta...except that driving through the province might be a little like one of those classic horror movies. You know....when the car breaks down...So I'm going to have to paraphrase that CBS executive and what he once said about the viewing public. Alberta is a place I fly over....

    Hi JJ!! I'm glad you liked my post... it was kind of a weird one wasn't it. When I finished writing it I looked at it and thought Uh?
    But at least it had your excellent post to give it some substance :)
    as for lovin myself...I thought I better cop a plea...before somebody reads my blog and comes to the same conclusion! That way I can make a virtue out of necessity. But seriously though, so many gay people are made to feel bad about themselves by these cruel bigots. And it can have such tragic consequences...I just want
    anyone out there who feels that way, to know they're not alone. And it doesn't have to be that way..

  6. another reason not to visit Alberta:

    a creepy face in the mountains!


  7. Yeah, that Halloween story was pretty scary....between that story and the one contained in this post, I can usually manage to alienate strangers at parties pretty quickly.