When I received an anonymous tip that a blogger named Werner Patels had shat on my last post and declared me to be The Dumbest Blogger in Canada...as well as a terrorist apologist and sympathizer...at first I was puzzled. Who da fuck is Werner?
And then I was delighted. Woohoo!
Everyone knows that these days it doesn't really matter WHAT they say about you...as long as they say SOMETHING...and when you have a teeny little blog ANY publicity helps.
But when I stopped celebrating long enough to actually read the post in question .....I came down to earth with a sickening thud.
The Alberta Expectorator?????? WTF????? Bye bye shiny gold medal... hello redneck cow pie.
But the most shattering blow was still to come....when I checked out Werner's motto
Tout le monde est fou sauf moi....
Or everyone is crazy except me.
And not only THAT. But this....
Sure, I am an arrogant A-hole, but when you are blessed and privileged enough to be one, why not?
Which of course was THE END of my dreams of glory. Who the fuck is going to believe I'm the Dumbest Blogger In Canada when it comes courtesy of an INSANE ASSHOLE ?
Which made me really angry. How dare he raise my hopes only to dash them? Who REALLY IS this Wernie Whiner?
So I fed everything I could find out about him into my supercomputer. From the fact he was born in Austria....to his mousey look ....and bloated ego....
I don't pretend to be an opinion-maker, but that's how, apparently, a lot of people see me...Government ministries and agencies, for instance, regularly run specific Google searches for my name if they want to read my latest opinions on current affairs.
I must be quite successful, given how my opponents crap in their pants whenever I publish a new article or column.
As well as his fascist beliefs that any brown Canadian or immigrant or practically ANYONE who doesn't want to kiss Chimp Bush's ass should be deported from Canada...or sent to Guantanamo.
And of course his clearly delusional state...
Many of those who are opposed to my particular political views are outright scared of what I might write -- so scared in fact that they will do everything in their power to discredit me....
I did try to include his "particular political views" but alas there were so many of them over the years, I didn't have enough space on my hard disk.
So I just punched in MEDIOCRITY .....over and over again .....hit ENTER on my supercomputer.... and this is what came out....
OMFG!!!!! Heil Mary!!! It's Colonel Klink!!!
Achtung!! Simon ze terrorist gleichgesinnter!!!! Dumkofen traitor!! Ich bin mein GENIUS!!!!!!! Guantanamo for ze brown people .......and ze krazy kriminal Red Tory !!!! Kooler for YOU!!!!
You know..... the day they DON'T believe Werner when he says everyone is crazy but HE'S not...and they take him away to that place with padded cells....and high walls topped with barbed wire. I hope he finds his Hogan...or he'll NEVER get out.
Oh yeah...as for the award for the Dumbest Blogger in Canada...he can keep it. Or better still...give it to himself. Because as much as I HATE to say it. (sob) (sob).
NOBODY deserves it more than he does...