Monday, January 29, 2007

Memes, Monsters, and The Third World War

When I was a small boy my dad and I were driving through the countryside near my home, when two jets from a nearby air force base collided in the air just in front of us. One crashed into a wood on the other side of a hill. The other one came down in a field just next to us.

My dad told me to stay in the car, while he and other drivers ran to see if they could help. But I got out of the car, crossed the road, and saw the pilot's body burning in the field.

When he got back to the car my father made me promise not to tell my mother what I had seen. But I told my sister, she told mum, and my father got really mad. He told me I should never tell others more than they need to know. So you don't hurt them when you don't have to. I guess it's a Scottish thing...

Then I saw the movie Lord of the Flies and that made an even stronger impression on me. I saw what happened to that other know the one who stared too long at this guy...

When the plane fell out of the sky Simon found out that The Monster wasn't really a monster. He was just a dead pilot hanging from a tree. And that The Monster was really us. But when he tried to tell the others......... they killed him.

But what do you expect? He told them more than they needed to know. You don't tell monsters they are monsters. Duh?

He should have kept his mouth shut....and bought himself some time. So he could have secretly....and hastily...built himself a raft. And escaped from the island.

Which I guess is a long winded way of explaining why I hate memes...

One....they force you to tell people things you hadn't planned on telling them.....two they sound too much like those exploding breast implants. And three I'm lazy...and some of them are too much like work...

But when I was tagged by that scandalous Old Hippie I figured what the heck....just this once.. Not just because I love her. But because I thought being asked to list Six Weird Things About Me would be easy. Right?

Wrong. There were so many things I had to leave out. But here's the short list.....

(1) I was stabbed by a Protestant bigot when I was a boy...for hanging out with Catholic guys and cheering for a Catholic football team....even though I was a Protestant. Celtic forever!! But now I'm an atheist I spend all my time attacking bigots in the Catholic Church.What?

(2) I'm afraid of heights...but I love to fly. I think I've already described what happened when I once climbed the cross on Mount Royal. I think I'd rather fly through a storm with two feathered propellers than do that again. Or lean too far over a high rise balcony. And as for the glass floor in the CN Tower forget it!

(3) Once I was so shy, and said so little they were praying I wasn't autistic. Now I can't keep my mouth shut....and they're all praying for a relapse. I'm still too shy to pass on a meme though.....although I just might give Slappy twelve hours from the time I post this to register his writing. Or face the consequences...

(4) I rail against the institution of marriage. I believe in total sexual freedom. I see sex as something playful and fun. And I'm always encouraging everyone to fuck like bunnies. Gays and straights. But as for me I'm practically married...I can't keep up with my friends. All I need is one guy to sleep next to....and two or three dozen others to play with now and then. And for me that's more than enough...

(5) I don't drink. I know this might NOT sound weird. But when you come from a drink sodden culture like I do. And from the heart of Scotland's Whisky Country...and you have the family and the friends I do...believe me it's practically bizarre. Although I hasten to add that if they made a bagel that makes you this one gets you buzzed. I'd eat it!!

(6) Although I'm a happy optimistic person I keep feeling that disaster is about to strike. Last year I got so wound up over the bird flu I didn't order chicken from Swiss Chalet for a month. And practically starved... And these days I can't help feeling we're on the verge of the Third World War. That Chimp Bush really is going to attack Iran. And nothing is going to stop him. And we're all going to get barbequed. Just like the chickens!!

But that's probably because sometimes I think I'm that other Simon.....The one on Pig Head island. It's like a dream. Or maybe it's a past life. Just like the one Bruce had. Just not so complicated... this dream I find out who the monsters really are. But I don't tell the other ones. I pretend I'm one of them. While I build a raft out of coconut trees lashed together with pig guts. And on a moonless night paddle out to sea.

Then ....of course....sharks eat the guts ....and my raft falls apart. But I am rescued by a handsome fisherman who takes me to live in his tree house on another island. Where everything is peaceful and beautiful. And there are no monsters. Or pigs...... just the survivors from a gay cruise ship that went down during a wild party on the bridge...

And I live happily ever after....

Until the Third World War starts....

Now isn't THAT weird?


  1. Well done, Simon! I knew yours would be interesting (but I bet you left out the really weird stuff -- that's okay, so did I);)

  2. OK, at the risk of embarrassing myself...

    Have I just been passed a "meme?" And now I have twelve hours to object to it?

    Does, uh, not knowing what a meme is, exactly, count?

  3. Hi JJ! I'm glad you liked. Not bad for a first...and a last time eh? :) But you're right I did leave out a lot of weird parts. But I promise to reveal most of them in the course of time...if I live that long. Of course some stuff will just have to remain in the too hot to publish file.Like my reform school days. I suppose the guard brutality stuff would be OK. But boring is boring...and the rest of it!

    PS Thx for introducing me to Granny YaYa...she's great!!!!!

  4. Hey Mark!!! Good one!!! Damm. Why didn't I think of that? When in doubt plead ignorance. Brilliant:)

    And don't worry about being embarrassed either... I thought Meme sounded like Mem (like the ones in the defective breast implant scandal) when actually it sounds like meem.

    Although the concept was coined by the brilliant Richard Dawkins it's just a fancy name for an interbet chain letter. You tag six people and they tag six and suddenly you're all over the internet in a community of friends.

    Which would be a good thing in your case. More people should read your blog.It's a great one for our cause. But as for me I think I'd rather remain in the demi-monde...I'm thinking of changing my Camus quote to one from Jean Genet...

    Anyway Private Slappy despite your phony...but brilliant... plea of ignorance I'm going to relieve you of your meem duties.

    Unless of course you want to write one...because I'd LOVE to read it!! :)

  5. (Wipes brow) Phew!

    Though, I'll tell you what: Slap has a pretty strict format that I don't want to break, but I think there's some Progressive Bloggers "diary" space or something I can use. I shall post "la même meme" on that, how'bout? :)

    (And "meem," eh? Meh; English has had worse phonetic gaps, I guess.)

  6. Strict format? Hmmmm...ooh that's a good one too!! Dammit. Why can't I think of good excuses like that? But sure....a PB Diary would be OK....although I'm not sure how weird you can be there. I had this dream about applying to join that goody goody blogroll once....and it wasn't was humiliating.. But look Mark let me be absolutely clear...I don't care where you publish it. As long as it's really weird... and I get to read it :)