Monday, March 31, 2008

The Watch Your #@!!&!! Mouth Challenge

I see it's time to take the Watch Your Potty Mouth on the Blogosphere challenge.


I know I MUST take it to try and score brownie points for our side. Like some of my blogging friends are trying so hard to do.

These days we need all the victories we can get.

But I gotta be honest. I just don't feel up to it.

Not only because I live in Stephen Harper's Con Canada .... and in a world full of people who want to kill my gay ass .... so I swear ALL the time. I find it helps me fight harder. Or run faster.

Or even because I fear that because most (English) Canadians walk around with their butt cheeks clenched so tightly, having to bite their tongues and clench their jaws grimly as well, might cause them to IMPLODE.

No..... it's just because..... I swearing so much.

I mean I come from a country where people hurl insults like cuntybuggeryfucktoleybumshite at each other all the time. So you can't really expect me to f**k my proud heritage.... and start speaking like a nun.

Besides I don't attack right-wing bloggers personally anymore .... or link to them. I've learned the hard way that trying to civilize a Con is like trying to teach a pig to fly. All you end up with is a lot of pork in the trees.

Still that doesn't mean I don't loathe those Cons. For their racism and their sexism and their homophobia, and for the stinky cess pool they swim in.

So while trying to respect the no potty mouth spirit of the day....

I'd like to dedicate this fresh version of an old favourite to all the ReichWingnuts and their blogging succubi out there.

Now go FRICKEN yourselves.



Afghanistan: The Good News and the Bad

It's so hard to find a good news story out of Afghanistan these days.

Thanks to Sarkozy's cheese-eating surrender monkeys we are about to get 1,000 more soldiers.

But everybody knows that's still too little to make a difference. And the only question is whether it's also too late.

It is now hard to find an Afghan who genuinely supports Karzai. From Kabul to Kandahar, people complain that his administration is incompetent and corrupt. Their loyalty is to tribal elders, religious leaders or militia commanders, not to a regime they believe to be the tool of the Americans.

When I first came to live in Kabul, almost three years ago, I could travel by car to Kandahar with the odds just about stacked in favour of survival. Today, Afghans are scared to take that route, fearing the police, criminals and the Taliban. I cannot safely walk more than 500 metres from my front door.

Then there's the story about how the only people getting rich in Afghanistan ... apart from the drug lords... are the aid agency workers and the contractors.

And the one about how the Afghan army has been supplied with crummy ammunition by a 22-year-old con man and a licensed masseur

So much bad news. But I think I've found a good news story. Shining like a beam in the darkness.

Now when ordinary Afghans get in the way of our fast moving convoys, we don't have to shoot them.

We can them laser them instead.

Wow. Isn't that awesome? I WANT one!!!!

And isn't the Pentagon great?

Winning Afghan hearts and minds one zap at a time. By blinding them instead of killing them.

And that's not the only good news either. There's also Canada's most successful contribution to the war effort.

" The Gurkhas are real fighting machines so I don’t know if they want people to know they like fru-fru drinks that aren’t so manly, but they really love their French vanilla cappuccinos and their honey-dipped doughnuts..."

Uh oh..... there go the proud Gurkhas. I suggest we drop those doughnuts on the Taliban as well. So they can't fight either.

Mullah mia. The war in Afghanistan.

Sometimes a tragedy.

Sometimes a farce...

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Earth Hour and the Great Game

I watched the lights going off in the city last night. It wasn't as spectacular as I thought it would be. There were quite a few lights still on in some of the waterfront condos. The headlights from all the cars streaming into the city seemed unusually bright.

But the flashing coloured lights on the CN Tower were off. And the city was dark enough to make it almost magical.

Down by the lake couples were sitting quietly staring up at the stars. Some kids were playing with glow sticks. A woman in a fur coat beat a drum with a candle on it.

And back at the bunker I did my part for Earth Hour.

Just me and the dog. And one miserable tea candle....

I don't think Kerouac was too impressed.

Although I must admit it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I did miss the second period of the Canadiens-Leafs game. But I think if I had a crank expresso machine, and a pedal generator to power the TV and the computer .... as well as a solar powered shower like Jack Layton has... I could hold out for days.

Seriously though ... I know it's a just a small symbolic gesture. But the thought that millions of people all over the world were doing the same thing to show they care about the planet really lifted my spirits.

Imagine if we could do it EVERY day of the year?

I hear that some of the rabid Cons at the Blogging Tories were encouraging people to turn on ALL their lights. And that the oil pimp Stephen Harper snubbed it. Which just proves that whatever that neocon porker is he's definitely NOT a leader.

But what do you expect?

Harper and his Cons know that every time somebody flicked a switch it was like flipping those climate change deniers a bird. Or telling them to fuck off...or fade to black. Or just like laughing in their faces.

Global warming is a MYTH!!!! Flick. Flip. Muahahaha.

Which I guess is another reason I enjoyed Earth Hour so much.

Really... how dum and crazy can these Cons be? What congenital mental incapacity blinds these climate change deniers to the fact that we're all in this one together?

Or on it anyway...

And the party is almost over.

At present, a race for the world's resources is underway that resembles the Great Game that was played in the decades leading up to the First World War. Now, as then, the most coveted prize is oil and the risk is that as the contest heats up it will not always be peaceful.

In this round of the Great Game, energy shortage and global warming are reinforcing each another. The result can only be a growing risk of conflict. There were around 1.65 billion people in the world when the last round was played out. At the start of the 21st century, there are four times as many, struggling to secure their future in a world being changed out of recognition by climate change.

Until people realize how desperate and dangerous the situation really is, we probably won't do enough to save ourselves and the planet.

But in a world spinning out of control where hope is hard to find. I thought Earth Hour was a great idea.

A little candle shining in the dark.

If we don't work together to save our beautiful blue planet.

Who the fuck will?


P.S. If the party really is over somebody forgot to tell these guys...

OMFG. The B-52's are back with a NEW album.

Can the END be far off?

Saturday, March 29, 2008

The McCain Girls and the Poppy Love Video

When it comes to nightmares I only really have two biggies these days.

One, that I wake up one morning and find myself living under the iron cowboy boot of a Stephen Harper majority government. Because so many idiot Canadians thought he was a strong leader .... instead of a Krazy Con tyrant.

And the other nightmare is that having drunk myself into a coma to try to forget the first one, I wake up another dark day and discover that.... as incredible as it may seem.... Poppy McCain really DID become Da Prezident.

Because the Democrats really DID snatch defeat from the gaping jaws of victory.

With Hillary Clinton digging in her heels in her bruising battle with Barack Obama, there are clear indications that the Democratic infighting is fortifying Republican nominee-elect John McCain.

A new NBC-Wall Street Journal poll suggested that more than 20 per cent of Clinton and Obama supporters would defect to McCain in November's election if their favoured Democrat fails to win the nomination.

Gag me with a spoon. Isn't that like cutting off your balls to spite your cock?

President Poppy? A hundred years more of this?

It's enough to give me the urge to surge....or shit myself violently.

But then I remember the Poppy Love video. And I'm not troubled anymore.

No. Not the Bomb Bomb Bomb...Bomb Bomb Iran video. That one DOES worry me.

This one....

You know even though I'm gay I HATE the original song.

But this version is so bad it's BEAUTIFUL.

If the Democrats can't beat that ..... I think they should stop shooting at each other.

And just shoot themselves....

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Jay Leno Gets a Gay Salute

Jay Leno, the porky late night talk show host with the Brian Mulroney chin, has an ugly habit of making really stupid jokes about gays and lesbians.

I mean REALLY stoopid nasty stuff.

So some of my brothers and sisters decided to salute his work.

I don't know about the finger. But I sure love the attitude. Gay people are so polite.

Besides when you're the most popular late night talk show host.... and you still feel the need to put gay people down or mock them for the sake of a cheap laugh.... you should know better. You deserve what you get.

So here's my message to La Leno.


P.S. ok ok... so it's pretty lame. I had a MUCH better photoshop .... with my dick instead of that pacifier. You know HIS gayest look. But Sébastien said I better not. What a prude. But of course that doesn't mean YOU can't....

This is What Happens to Gays in Malaysia

I see that while I was away the filthy Con government deported another gay refugee.

Even though he could be imprisoned or savagely caned for being openly gay.

And now the police in Malaysia are looking for Kulenthiran.

Malaysian police say they want to question A. Kulenthiran, a Malaysian gay man who was deported after his appeals to stay in Canada was denied by Immigration Minister Diane Finley.

And this is what could happen to him.


Kulenthiran should never have been deported to a place where something so awful could happen to him.

The SoCon Minister of Immigration Diane Finley had a chance to intervene. But she refused to lift a finger to help.

Just like she didn't lift a finger to help Alvaro Orozco. Even though he could be killed in Nicaragua.

And all to please the rabid Con base and the religious extremists in the Harper government like the porker homophobe Charles McVety.

Malaysia and the Cons. Where moral barbarity meets moral depravity.

If anything happen to Kulenthiran or Alvaro our homophobic immigration officials and the wretched evil Con government will have blood on their hands.

And we WILL remember.

Once Canada was a beacon of human rights.

Harper and his Cons have turned it into a toilet.

The sooner we flush them the better....

Stephen Harper and the Cult of Masculinity

As a gay guy I naturally worship at the Church of Masculinity. Where we have no illusions. But lots of gods.

Which means that sometimes I can get hung up in macho bullshit. But at least I know a real man when I see one.

So I must admit I was both disturbed, depressed ....and amused ..... to see that so many straight guys seem to be wrapping themselves in animal skin evening gowns, and worshipping in the Faux Macho Church of Stephen Harper.

Now I don't deny that Stephane Dion is a political wimp .... a distressing combination of Hercule Poirot and Mr Bean. But at least he's a decent human being.

Unlike the Iceman Monster Harper and his Con thugs who are deliberately pitting men against women.

The Conservative alternative practically oozes testosterone -- boosted military spending for Afghanistan, reasserted northern sovereignty and tax cuts with specific benefits targeted at male-dominated trucking and trades.

While heaping scorn on the more female and CANADIAN values of the Liberal Party.

The party platform is not expected to be much of a male magnet either, specifically a focus on fighting homelessness, enhancing daycare, boosting education tax advantages and imposing emission caps on greenhouse gas producers.

And what's even MORE depressing is that so many straight men are buying it.

The Harper Conservative male-voter lead over the Dion Liberals is now at an almost insurmountable 14 points -- 41% versus 27% for the Liberals.

Which explains why the Cons have been able to get away with raping women's rights in this country. While so many cowardly males did nothing..... or silently cheered them on.

Now I suppose a country that would make a movie out of the life of mouthy goon and anti-French porker Don Cherry is capable of ANYTHING.

But who can explain why so many self styled macho men would think this freak is a Warrior King?

When he is just an angry nerd trying to make up for all the humiliations that came before. A flabby pot-bellied wonk who used to stamp his little feet and sulk like a girly man when Preston Manning rejected his policy proposals.

A chubby little cheeseburger who likes to dress up in butch drag and hires someone to make him look pretty. And has hissy fits if he doesn't get his way all the time. A pathetic control freak who admires the way Joe Stalin ran the Kremlin. A posturing wimp who has tried to remake his image into that of a warrior, by betraying the sacred values of this country.

And by beating up on women.

Believe me .... I know what REAL masculinity is...a combination of strength, gentleness, bravery, and nobility of purpose. My gay god has all of those qualities...even if I don't. Because I like beating up on homophobes and other bigots too much.

But Great Fat Drag Queen Harper fails on every count. Not a strong leader. Not much of a man. Just PATHETIC.

Like the dum neanderthal hosers who support him.

The good news in all of this?

All those women who are keeping Harper from winning a majority.... and saving Canada from the Revenge of the Angry Nerd.

Everyone who loves this country owes them. Big Time.

Who would have thunk it Macho Man? Duh.

The women of The Great White North. Not just smarter and better.

But more Canadian as well...

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Stephen Harper's War on Ontario

It's always hard to leave Paradise. But I have to admit I'm such a sap that when I see an aircraft with a maple leaf on its side come to carry me home heart still skips a beat.

Even though these days I know I'm flying back to Con Canada...which isn't as beautiful as the country I love.

Still....I'm glad to be home. Glad to see my friends again. I'm grateful they took such good care of my dog...watered my plants....and didn't wreck my computer.

But who the fuck forgot to feed the nasty little Con Gnome Wee Jimbo Flaherty?

Can you believe it? The rotten little SoCon who has burned up a 13-billion dollar surplus trying to buy votes, and left us practically helpless in the face of a brutal recession, has the nerve to tell Ontario what to do.

Just a few years after he helped DETROY it. Leaving the province with a 6-billion dollar deficit, crumbling infrastructure, a nastier meaner society.

And human misery everywhere...

Cities like Toronto have still not recovered. And now the nasty little gnome ....who once called for the homeless to be arrested.... is trying to destroy the province again.

And the question is WHY?

The obvious answer is that it's just a way to try to deflect blame for the criminally incompetent way the Cons have handled the economy.

But since none of the miserable cowards in the Con Government even dares to take a shit without asking for Stephen Harper's permission, I think Paul Wells nailed it.

.... Stephen Harper needs somebody to pick on, and Stéphane Dion refuses to show up for the fight. So Dalton McGuinty's Ontario government is the latest designated target, and we are all being asked to sit and smile through yet another of the Prime Minister's asinine tantrums.

Stephen Harper is such a clever tactician that his little games can be so fascinating we overlook their significance. The significance of this one is, well, significant: he's badmouthing his own country's industrial heartland and running roughshod over the prerogatives of a legitimately-elected government for the sake of cheap political points and to prop up his serial loser of a finance minister. It's not funny.

Not just not funny..... it's practically TREASON. I mean if you wage war on the province that has done the most to hold Canada together, what the fuck else do you call it?

Or for that matter... what else do you call Stephen Harper? But a twisted and dangerous FREAK.

You know they say you have leave Canada to write about it....because when you're here you can't see the forest for the trees. So after sitting under a palm tree for a while, here's my blinding insight.

It's time for the progressive forces in Canada to put aside their partisan interests, stop slagging each other, and work together to bring down the most evil extremist government this country has ever seen.

One day hopefully the left can form a coalition, or unite, so Canada can evolve to a two-party system like many modern European countries are doing. And keep the Cons out of power FOREVER.

But right now it's time to put grubby partisan politics aside. Focus all our fire on the REAL enemy.

And concentrate on saving Canada.

You know I really LOVE this beach.

It's such a beautiful peaceful place.

But the day the nasty gnome and his twisted freaky leader...and all their ugly Con followers... are deposited head first in the manure heap of history.

Canada will be even prettier...

Friday, March 21, 2008

Blogging in Paradise and my Internet Addiction

I'm ashamed to admit that even in paradise... where life is slow and there are so many other better things to do... not having internet access in my secret hideaway was driving me up a palm tree.

Until I finally got my twitching fingers on a computer... and was shocked to discover that my internet addiction was now a mental disorder.

An editorial in this month's issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry says Internet addiction -- including "excessive gaming, sexual pre-occupations and e-mail/text messaging" -- is a common compulsive-impulsive disorder that should be added to psychiatry's official guidebook of mental disorders.

Like other addicts, users experience cravings, urges, withdrawal and tolerance, requiring more and better equipment and software, or more and more hours online, according to Dr. Jerald Block, a psychiatrist at the Oregon Health and Science University in Portland. Dr. Block says people can lose all track of time or neglect "basic drives," like eating or sleeping. Relapse rates are high, he writes, and some people may need psychoactive medications or hospitalization.

So now I'm REALLY sorry I bothered to get back online.

Now I figure I'm in Britney and her friends.

Just having a minor relapse.

By the pool...

But then some days are harder than others.

Like when I found out that George Bush had declared the War in Iraq a success.

And I had to leave it to Steve Bell to sum up how I feel about the dum ape, his delusions of grandeur.

And his camel shit hat...

While I went down to my favourite beach.

Thumped and kicked an imaginary punching bag.

And let the blue green waves cool me down....

I don't know why but I find that REALLY helps me not to think about the internet....or what's happening in the news.

Although once I fell asleep on the powdery white sand and had a horrible dream that I was back in snowy Canada.

Where so many people had their heads up their asses....about everything from the state of the weather to the state of Dion.... they were starting to bump into each other.

Scooze me....scooze me... oops....sorry. Fart.

As Emperor Harper fiddled ..... and the economy went down the toilet.

Yikes. Thank goodness it was just a nightmare....or I might have to stay here forever.

Which wouldn't be TOO hard.

Because let's face it.... Canada is a pretty grim place these days. Winter drags on in Spring.The left fights itself and then wonders why the dirty Cons are in power. Hope is in short supply. Mediocrity rules. And the blogosphere is a foul partisan jungle....full of boring nerdy lezras and small dead pigs.

It's the same thing in the United States where the Democrats are tearing themselves apart....snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and drowning Obama's message of hope in a cesspool of racism.

And now the FINAL blow. If all that doesn't drive you crazy the internet will !!!!!!

Although this guy doesn't agree.

And if you read the Journal article, it does mention that 86 percent of the "internet addicted" also suffered from another mental problem.

Which in my mind makes a monkey out of the study. Even though it does help explain the Blogging Tories.

But as for me I'm not taking any chances. I'm taking rehab seriously. No more internet in paradise.

From now on just sunsets....

Ooh.... ahhhh. That's an eight-point-five !! No way that's a WINNAH!!!

Yup.Throw another lobster and a couple of steaks on the barbie Sébastien.

Soon it'll be time to head back to gloomy old Canada.

Scooze me....scooze me. Fart.

But tonight we're still in paradise....

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Canada and the Winter of Everything

Somebody told me today that although Spring is officially just around the corner, we're going to have six more weeks of Winter.

And I believe them. I mean just check out the fake beach. You need snowshoes or flippers to walk across it.

There's so much snow everywhere... so many pale sickly faces bugged out with anger or despair. I fear it's only a matter of time before people start attacking each other.

Oh wait. They already are..

With snow blowers and shotguns?

Yup. It's definitely Winter in Canada. And it's not just the weather either. It's EVERYTHING.

I missed the news last week because I had an operation... and I wasn't allowed to read or watch tv. So I am still trying to understand how so many bad things could happen in Canada in such a short time.

Like this outrage.

Huh? How many dum Cons can you squeeze into the Liberal Party before we get to call them the Con Liberals.... and their leader Yellow Jello?

Or how about this one.

Can you believe it? The homophobe porker McVety walking around on his hind legs in the Con pen , telling us what Canadian movies we can make or see? Oink. Oink. Does that take the bacon or what?

And then there's the sordid tale of how the neocons tried to buy the vote of a dying MP.... and are now trying to make his widow out to be a liar.

How low can you go?

Where is this country going? When will this nightmare end?

Oh well...... if anyone knows the answer...... please do me a favour.

Write it on a postcard.

And mail it to my southern villa...

Because I'm outta here!!!!!

You see I need to rest up a bit ... and think about all these troubling questions before I return to Canada and the blogosphere.

And I just can't help but think that the view from the hammock in the gazebo by the pool..... has got to be a little SUNNIER than it is up here.

And then there's that other inescapable fact:

As much as I like rolling in the snow under a steel umbrella ...... on a fake Toronto beach.

I think I prefer the real thing...

But please don't feel sorry for me. I'm sure I'll be fine.

The friendly locals call this beach Simon's Beach...and like to bring me cool drinks. And Sébastien will be there to make sure I don't get TOO tanned.

So just think of yourselves...and keep on trying to make Spring in Canada happen people.

The only way it really can.

By shoving those nasty neocons into the garbage can of history....or some other place where the sun never shines.

I'll be dreaming about that under my palm tree.

See y'all soon...

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Omar Khadr: The Agony and the Shame

In most of my posts about Omar Khadr I called him the Guantanamo Kid.

To remind people that whatever he might or might not have done,....or how people feel about him or his crazy family...... he was just a horribly wounded Canadian child soldier who never should have been abandoned by his country.

Now a new book called Guantanamo's Child is out....and it reveals that his American guards had another name for Khadr....Buckshot Bob... because of all the shrapnel in his body.

And that he wasn't just tortured at Guantanamo. He was also tortured in the secret prison at the big U.S. base in Bagram.

Read it and weep......or vomit.

Approximately one month before Ramadan in 2003, two different men came to visit me. They told me that they were Canadian. One of the men was in his 20s and the other in his 30s. These two men yelled at me and accused me of not telling the truth. One of the Canadian men stated, "The U.S. and Canada are like an elephant and an ant sleeping in the same bed," and that there was nothing the Canadian government could do against the power of the U.S.

And then there's what they did to him at Guantanamo as detailed in this book.

One evening in March 2003, Omar was taken from his cell and in no mood to co-operate. The guards left him in the interrogation booth for hours, short-shackled with his ankles and wrists bound together and secured to a bolt on the floor. Unable to move, he eventually urinated and was left in a pool of urine on the floor.

When the MPs returned and found the soiled teenager, Omar's lawyers later said, the guards poured pine oil cleaner on his chest and the floor. Keeping him short-shackled, the guards used Omar as a human mop to clean up the mess. Omar was returned to his cell and for two days the guards refused to give him fresh clothes.

When they weren't threatening to rape him.

Even though he was just a child.

One day, Yee stopped outside Omar's cell. Two things surprised him as he bent down to talk to the teenager.

Omar could speak perfect English, which was uncommon in the blocks. He was also reading a book that had pictures of Mickey Mouse, Goofy and Donald Duck that Yee knew wasn't one the library stocked. Omar told Yee the book was a gift from one of his interrogators. He expected Omar to be insulted but instead he appeared delighted.

When Yee came again to the teenager's cell later that day, Omar was curled up asleep on his steel cot clutching the Disney book to his chest.

Which explains why the last time his legal team went to visit him all he asked for was a colouring book.

And makes the fact that he was abandoned by his country even more disgusting.

When will Stephen Harper start acting like a Canadian Prime Minister. Instead of a Pentagon STOOGE?

When will Canada act like a real country?

How long must the shame go on?