Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Canada and the Winter of Everything

Somebody told me today that although Spring is officially just around the corner, we're going to have six more weeks of Winter.

And I believe them. I mean just check out the fake beach. You need snowshoes or flippers to walk across it.

There's so much snow everywhere... so many pale sickly faces bugged out with anger or despair. I fear it's only a matter of time before people start attacking each other.

Oh wait. They already are..

With snow blowers and shotguns?

Yup. It's definitely Winter in Canada. And it's not just the weather either. It's EVERYTHING.

I missed the news last week because I had an operation... and I wasn't allowed to read or watch tv. So I am still trying to understand how so many bad things could happen in Canada in such a short time.

Like this outrage.

Huh? How many dum Cons can you squeeze into the Liberal Party before we get to call them the Con Liberals.... and their leader Yellow Jello?

Or how about this one.

Can you believe it? The homophobe porker McVety walking around on his hind legs in the Con pen , telling us what Canadian movies we can make or see? Oink. Oink. Does that take the bacon or what?

And then there's the sordid tale of how the neocons tried to buy the vote of a dying MP.... and are now trying to make his widow out to be a liar.

How low can you go?

Where is this country going? When will this nightmare end?

Oh well...... if anyone knows the answer...... please do me a favour.

Write it on a postcard.

And mail it to my southern villa...

Because I'm outta here!!!!!

You see I need to rest up a bit ... and think about all these troubling questions before I return to Canada and the blogosphere.

And I just can't help but think that the view from the hammock in the gazebo by the pool..... has got to be a little SUNNIER than it is up here.

And then there's that other inescapable fact:

As much as I like rolling in the snow under a steel umbrella ...... on a fake Toronto beach.

I think I prefer the real thing...

But please don't feel sorry for me. I'm sure I'll be fine.

The friendly locals call this beach Simon's Beach...and like to bring me cool drinks. And S├ębastien will be there to make sure I don't get TOO tanned.

So just think of yourselves...and keep on trying to make Spring in Canada happen people.

The only way it really can.

By shoving those nasty neocons into the garbage can of history....or some other place where the sun never shines.

I'll be dreaming about that under my palm tree.

See y'all soon...


sassy said...

Have one W O N D E R F U L time away (on Simon Beach), and don't even think about what is happening here.

I'll miss you great writing but can wait until you come back to tell of your R+R.

JJ said...

Simon, have a great time! Don't get too tanned:p I wish I was going somewhere too, I am sick of all the crappy weather and the BS.

Relax and enjoy, bud.

Anonymous said...

I am getting depressed because of this weather! (and other things).

I wish summer would come! Even if I will suffer from sneezes, runny nose, itchy eyes, and nosebleeds. bah!

Simon said...

Hi Sassy!!!! Thanks a lot. I did have a wonderful time. It was so peaceful and relaxing and beautiful. And it was our first holiday together in years which made it even more F A B U L O U S !
Now all I need is summer in Canada :)

Simon said...

Hi JJ!!! Thanks as I was telling Sassy I did. But I also did get too tanned. I spent three hours in the sun on my FIRST day and didn't put sun tan lotion on anything but my face...and as a result turned into a gringo lobster...It was a day before I could return to the beach...and by that time I had started to peel.Until all I was left with was millions of freckles. Ugh. Now I have to wear a chador when I go out...but I feel GREAT!! :)

Simon said...

Hi Rashid!!! The weather and "other things" tend to go together at this time of the year. So don't get too down because summer will soon be here. Too bad about the nosebleeds though.I used to have them too when I was a boy and they're horrible. Although I did manage to convince my mother that the best way to stop me from bleeding to death was to feed me one frozen popsicle after the other. So it wasn't all bad... :)
And the other good thing was that because of my sensitive nose I decided NOT to take boxing lessons and take martial arts instead.
Not that a foot in the face can't cause a nasty nosebleed. But somehow it seems more civilized. So try to remember that and keep the ice handy... ;)