Muqtada al-Sadr's crazy football fatwa

I didn't think that anything coming out of Iraq could shock me anymore. Not the bombings, the beheadings, the massacres, and the endless parade of innocent victims. But when I read about Muqtada al-Sadr's football fatwa I just about had a cow. Or in his case a pig.

Yes it's true. The sinister wingnut Muqtada al-Sadr has issued a fatwa against soccer. Here's the story from Baghdad Burning -- the remarkable blog of a young Iraqi woman.

"Habeebi, the West creates things that keep us from completing ourselves (perfection) What did they make us do? Run after a ball habeebi....What does that mean? A man, this large and this tall Muslim-running after a ball?
....If you want to run, run for a noble goal..."

"The second thing, which is more important. we find that the West, and especially Israel, Habeebi the Jews, did you see them playing soccer? Have you heard that the Israeli team,curse them, got the World Cup?....They kept us occupied...while they occupy themselves with science etc. Why Habeebi? Are they better than us?No we're better than them..."

Oh well. That explains it. That heap of Egyptian army boots in the Sinai during the 1967 Middle East War. The Egyptian soldiers didn't take them off so they could run faster in the sand. They had just taken them off to play soccer when the dastardly Jews attacked. What unsportsmanlike conduct. Somebody should have showed the Israelis the red card.

Although the whole thing does put a whole new spin on this year's World Cup.

I was planning to cheer for Brazil, Argentina, England and Holland. More or less in that order. As a teenage boy I played soccer in South America in games where everyone could play. Sometimes we were twenty a side, sometimes we were four. But the games went on for hours. And I like the way they play the best. And worship their soccer gods like Ronaldinho and Robinho

But I'll also be cheering for England (Scotland forgive me) because I follow the English Premiership games and like some of their players. Like the Great Rooney, Aaron Lennon, and Theo Walcott. They play like South Americans.
And I like Holland too, just because it's Holland and what it means to Canada.

But now thanks to Muqtada's fatwa I'm going to have to add one more team to my cheering list: the Islamic Republic of Iran. As long as they allow the boys to wear shorts. And don't force them to play in burkas like the girls.

Yes I know.It may seem a rather shocking choice. But there is method to my madness.

First of all I would much rather the Iranians got their national pride kicking a ball, instead of building a bomb.That's obvious.

But secondly, and most importantly, can you imagine what would happen to Muqtada's football fatwa if the Iranian team really did well? I mean Shia pride and all that? If he didn't join in all that chest thumping and horn honking he'd look like a fool or God forgive him....an unbeliever!! (gasp)

The poor desperate Shias of Sadr City would be dancing in the streets. While crazy Muqtada sulked in his mosque. Trying to whip up a fan club for his favourite game: suicide bomber.

Hmm....now that I think of it who says that you can't mix sports and politics?

Hey Muqtada read my red card.

Go Iran go!!!

Massacre in Haditha: Turning point in Iraq?

The cover-up will soon be over. The BBC is reporting tonight that several U.S. marines will be court-martialled for the massacre at Haditha. Not that the U.S. military had much choice. Not after Iraq's new ambassador to the United States went to the White House to present his credentials today. And then went on CNN to talk about how the marines murdered his cousin. Oops.Ouch.Talk about bad timing.

What happened in Haditha is an ugly story. I was haunted today by the account of this young survivor.













She described how a group of marines entered her house after the IED went off, and went on a murderous rampage. Shot her mother and father, two sisters and her brother as he tried to hide under a bed.

Interestingly enough, at one point in the interview she seems to suggest she knew the IED was about to go off. But hey what are you supposed to do when insurgents plant an IED near your house in a place like Haditha. Call the Iraqi police?

And oh yes, she wants those responsible to be tortured and then killed. What a little darling. But who can blame her for thinking the Americans torture their own? After what they did at Abu Ghraib.

But that's the point isn't it? That's why it's going to hurt Chimp Bush so much. This isn't just an isolated incident. It's just the latest in a litany of horrors, in a crazy war with apparently no end. This massacre may well mark a tipping point like the My Lai massacre did during the war in Vietnam.

Mark the moment when most Americans finally agree that all this suffering just isn't worth it.

Chimp Bush will come under enormous pressure to declare victory and get the hell out. And he isn't the only one. So is Bush's poodle Tony Blair.

And what happens in Iraq is bound to affect what happens in Afghanistan. And that means us. I suppose the Americans could re-deploy to Afghanistan and we might finally have enough troops to do the job. Because we don't have them now.The warning signs are everywhere. Yikes. When they miss the Russians you know we're in trouble.

But I suspect that when the Americans start pulling out of Iraq, or into their super bases, the American public won't want them sent to another distant battlefield. T And that will leave all kinds of foreign fighters from that terrorist breeding ground in Iraq, free to swarm into Afghanistan. And bomb us to smithereens. Two years could be a long time.

The problem in Afghanistan, just like Iraq, is that there were never enough boots on the ground. The U.S. military is running out of soldiers. It's gotten so bad they're using 45-year-old privates as well as criminals. If you don't have enough good troops in a counter-insurgency war. And you can't tell the good guys from the bad guys. And your nerves are rattled by IEDs. Sooner or later you start killing them all.

Some of the Pentagon's top generals warned about screwing up. But they were ignored or put down.

So why am I worried? Surely we Canadians can learn from the mistakes the Americans made?

Maybe not.

Turns out our government doesn't want hear from General Zinni either. Even though history has proved him right.

See what I mean?

To paraphrase the old philosopher. If you don't learn from your mistakes or the mistakes of others.

You're condemned to repeat them over and over again.

How long will it be before we have our little massacre?

Chimp Bush and his big booze problem

Well that explains it. Yesterday I wondered why President Harper would fly all the way to Vancouver to announce a ban on street racing. I mean hasn't he ever driven on Toronto's 401? Today I discovered that of course that's not why he was really there. He was really there to attend this ReformCon Roast. Funny how pig and roast go together. Too bad the taxpayers have to foot the porky bill. Oink.Oink.

But I don't want to do yet another post about President Harper. I know he's acting like a half crazy dictator, and that he is threatening to use a majority to change Canada forever. But it is the weekend after all. So I'd rather talk about something even more important to our survival. The state of Chimp Bush's marriage.











"They barely talk to each other....They argue when they do speak."
After their last fight over booze they just stopped talking period."

Uh Oh. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not really interested in the Chimp's love life (shudder). And I'm sure I'd find Prince Harry's steamy party pics far more stimulating. The Sex in School story sounds good too.Although I'm sure if I read it I'd feel robbed, because I never had teachers like that. Too bad.

But the very notion that the Chimp could be back on the bottle makes me want to run for cover. Or find some way to make my bunker invisible. God help me Missy Mammy. I'm haunted by this story.

"When the levees broke in New Orleans, it apparently made him reach for a shot," said one insider. "He poured himself a Texas-sized shot of straight whiskey and tossed it back."

"The First Lady was shocked and shouted: 'Stop George'!

"Laura gave him an ultimatum: 'It's Jim Beam or me.'

Holy Hillbilly! Beam me up bubbah.... I know there are journalistic principles involved. But I can't help but worry about what he must be up to when Laura isn't around. Glug. Glug. Glug. Snort. Snort. Or what could happen if he was looped and alone with Dick Cheney .

CHENEY

"Georgie we gotta do something about Iran and pronto"

BUSH

"Fucking right Chainman....I hate those fucking bastards...screw'em...fuck'em...they're laughing at me...I'm looking as weak as my daddy...nuke'em tomorrow...and bomb Canada too (burp) Why should we pay for their fucking oil when we can.......er... bomb it?" (vomit)

CHENEY:

"OK."

Yikes. What a problem. How come we can figure out the one about the chicken and the egg? But we can't do anything about the problem of monkeys and booze?

Except keep our fingers crossed that George chooses Laura instead of Jim. The way things are going for the Chimp I'm not optimistic...

But I don't want to end on a downer note. As I said before, it is the weekend after all. In a few days the humidex in Toronto is expected to reach 40 degrees. It's the kind of heat that might make us envy this naked Sherpa.

But is just about perfect to say goodbye to this reggae star.

Poor Desmond. He was a reggae pioneer. But he only had a few hits. Like " Israelites" which still makes me leap out of my chair and happy dance across the room.

After that his career really went nowhere. He had money problems. But he paved the way for other reggae giants like Bob Marley and Peter Tosh. Other giants like him.

And one of his hits was a classic version of Jimmy Cliff's "You Can Get if you Really Want."

Which strikes me as the perfect tune for a steamy weekend.

Forget our loser President. Have some fun.

Do it for Desmond.

This week's life lesson is know your enemy.

And do it while you can...

Harper's crazy war on the media

Well the clock on the Peace Tower may be still stuck at 7:30. But surely we must be getting close to midnight as far as Canada is concerned. As evidence I offer up this bizarre exchange between President Harper and the CBC's wild man in Vancouver, Terry Milewski: The latest episode in Harper's crazy war on the dumbos from the press gallery.

STEPHEN HARPER:

"The press gallery will not allow journalists to ask questions. If journalists want to ask questions to me that should be their choice. They're the ones who suffer. Otherwise I don't think the public cares. I think it's unfortunate. But it's something the press gallery is going to have to work out itself."

TERRY MILEWSKI

"With respect Prime Minister, isn't it the case that it just isn't true what you just said. The press gallery as I understand, takes the position that they're entitled to pick who asks the questions. Your government as I understand is insisting that your staff should pick who should ask the questions as Dimitri (Dimitri Soudas, Harper's Deputy Press Secretary) just did when he called on me."

STEPHEN HARPER

"Well when we set up a press conference we set up a press conference. It's my view if journalists want to ask questions they should be able to. It's not up to the press gallery to make that decision for them. You know as they say it's unfortunate for those who want to ask questions. And I think a lot do. But as they say they don't get to ask their questions.I don't think anyone outside Ottawa cares. And I think that's what's unfortunate."

TERRY MILEWSKI

"Why is it so important for your staff to pick who asks the questions?"

DIMITRI SOUDAS

"Frank Yee Fairchild television."

Fairchild Television instead of the national media? Wow are things getting weird. Forget about the da Vinci Code now we've got Dimitri's List. And what was Harper going on about? First he asks lobbyists to accuse journalists of being lazy. Now he says nobody cares. Does he really think Canadians are that stupid?And why did he fly all the way to Vancouver to announce a ban on street racing?
Are the wheels coming off this baby or what?








But at least all the fuss about gagging and muzzling and managing the message is making some in the media notice how Harper is beginning to show his true colours. The stuff I've been warning you about. As Lawrence Martin wrote in his Globe column today

"The soft and soothing centrist rhetoric of the election campaign has been replaced by a deeper conservative theology...he is beginning to sound like the rawer conservative he used to be."

The mask is finally slipping. Maybe the fact that he's so close to a majority, and yet so far is driving Harper over the edge. Maybe the stress of running the whole government himself is getting to him. I mean isn't banning street racing a Mayor's job?

Hmm...If Harper doesn't watch it he could yet become a liability rather than an asset. Maybe he is going to have a hard landing after all. He might even blow that majority right out of the water. When it should be in the bag.

Wouldn't that be fun? But for now I'll just enjoy watching him slowly crack up.

Because if he keeps on going where he's going. Keeps on acting like a crazy dictator.

I'm sure the best is still to come...

Harper's dangerous character flaw

Talk about a bad omen. Time stands still on Parliament Hill. The clock on the Peace Tower has blown a fuse. And on the same day that President Harper confirmed what I told you last night. We won't have to wait very long for an election.

Hmmm....what a coincidence. How suspicious. Do you think the dying Liberals are trying to delay the inevitable? But it doesn't really matter. Soon it will be Harper time. All the time.

Which is why I was glad that our fake prez kind of blew a fuse of his own today and declared war on the dumbos of the parliamentary media. It was awfully ungrateful of him of course. Without the fawning coverage of the dumbos during the last election campaign he probably wouldn't be President. How could he forget their so-called coverage of him? The one that set a new world record for the longest uninterrupted blow job during an election campaign anywhere.(except North Korea)

No wonder those dumbos are so pissed off. I guess they figured he owed them at least a quickie or two... Although Susan Delacourt does provide a reasonable explanation for their little hissy fit.

But what I really like about Harper's decision to bypass the national media is that it shows once again how determined he is to mimic his hero Chimp Bush. Is that chimpy or spooky or what?

And what I really love is what it says about the way he thinks. His Me versus Them mentality. The one I've been warning you about. The one I know so well. Because I've been studying him like a bug for years. Or at least like a really interesting and very different political animal. One with fanatical tendencies, and a potentially dangerous character flaw.

Remember how I told you about his fights with Preston Manning over the policy papers Harper produced for the Reform Party? How he couldn't understand why the Parson insisted on taking them to the grassroots for approval? I told you that Harper could never accept that. He thought they were too stupid to understand his brilliant plans. He raged, he sulked, and then he finally quit.

At the time that could be dismissed as the typical behaviour of a bright policy wonk who had spent too much time wacking off philosophically in the strange right-wing world of the Calgary School.










But now he's a Prime Minister with a Presidential complex. Now nobody can challenge his plans. Not even his own Ministers and MPs. Now he could be on the verge of winning a crushing majority. Now this minor character flaw is suddenly a lot more serious.

The problem is that people who think like Harper can eventually come to believe that everyone is against them. Come to believe that only they are in possession of the pure unvarnished truth. That everyone else is either too stupid, or too corrupt, or too weak to take the ruthless measures necessary to get the job done. In Harper's case to change Canada beyond recognition.

Give a man like that a big majority. And chances are you'll have a real big problem.

As I said before.Fasten your seatbelts.

We're in for quite a ride...

Preparing for a Harper majority

I biked out to the woods this evening to try to get away from all the bad news. For a while it worked. The place was alive with the sights and sounds of Spring. Some of the trees were in full bloom. What with all the different kinds of birds singing wildly away. And the little bunnies hopping around at my feet, I felt like fucking Snow White in the Disney cartoon. Then the overwhelming smell of skunk came drifting along on the breeze. I remembered where I was and that the only story that counts is this one.

So the die is cast. All that remains to be determined now is when will Harper call an election. And the size of his majority.

Rick Anderson, the former Manning strategist, says he believes that Canadians came very close to an election call the other night. And so do I. If the Afghanistan vote had gone against him Harper would have used that and the Gwyn Morgan debacle to claim that he couldn't govern, And pull the plug.

Now he will just have to wait until fall. But you can be sure he won't wait any longer than that. He could probably afford to hold off until the Spring of 2007. The Liberals are now dead in Quebec. The situation there is not likely to change. But if he strikes while the iron is hot he could get fickle Ontario too.

There would also be less chance that public support for the war in Afghanistan could go seriously south and hurt him. And best of all he could catch the Liberals without a leader. If you don't think Harper is capable of that, then you don't know the man. You're thinking like a Canadian boy scout. And forgetting that he thinks like an American.

The Conservatives are using their huge war chest to produce the kind of polling Karl Rove uses in Washington to fine tune the delivery of specific messages to targeted voters. In Ontario it's younger lower middle class familes, and immigrants. They have been campaigning rather than governing ever since they took power. Everything like this ridiculous announcement today is designed to be part of an ad campaign. Promises made, promises kept.

But you can only do that for so long. He'll have to find a good reason to pull the plug. But that won't be hard. Count on a fall election.

So I guess the only thing that really remains to be determined is whether we'll recognize Canada when Harper is finished with it.

Talk about the skunk in the woods.

Prepare yourselves for five stinky years...

Killing Kyoto and the apes from Alberta

Of all the disgusting things the sellout Harper government has done so far, its secret plans to kill Kyoto, must surely be the most foul. But it does make one thing absolutely clear. Canada can't afford this yankee wannabe Oilberta government any longer. And neither can the planet.

Rona Ambrose's klown komedy in Bonn is humiliating enough. Talk about being a rube from Alberta. Talk about being out of it. Didn't somebody tell President Harper's little princess, that even the real Queen is worried about global warming?

Or tell this lightweight puppet of the oil industry that if she continues her crusade against Kyoto our international reputation will be ruined for all time. History will record that some gassy pigs, in a country called Canada, led the charge to destroy the planet's last chance of avoiding environmental disaster.

Sacrificed the future of the world's children just to please their yankee masters. And destroyed themselves in the process. A friend of mine flew over the Alberta oilsands the other day and said it looked like the surface of Mars. Soon the entire place will look like a desert. The Province of the Apes.











No politician from Alberta should ever have been allowed to become Environment Minister. Everyone knows the sellout one-party province is really run by the oil industry. The ones who claimed that global warming didn't exist. The ones who put one obstacle after the other in the way of recognizing the problem. And now that nobody can deny it are trying to kill the solution. To fatten their bloated profits.

Or have their flunkies pretend that Kyoto never happened.

I can only hope that one day soon we can return the favour. Drive these Alberta Cons from power, and erase them from Canadian history. Change every bit of legislation they ever introduced. Wipe the record clean. Pretend they never existed.

Maybe then the children of world will forgive us.

Although who could blame them if they don't ?

Harper and his poodle parade

Oh Canada. How much lower can our country go? First President Harper sells us out to the United States. For a trip to the White House that has now been delayed. Ouch.I bet that hurts. Then he invites the Australian poodle Howard to blow Bush in the Canadian House of Commons. Only to regret it later.













Uh oh. I don't think this little dinner went down too well. How long do you think it will be before Harper starts calling him his rival ? Instead of his Wizard of Ozzy. I mean holy kangaroo. Like we need fucking Australia to tell us what to do? If we need sheep to trim our lawns we'll call them.

Why doesn't that dingo poodle worry about his fucked up country? And leave us to worry about ours.

Who is Harper going to ask to address Parliament next? That other Chimp poodle Tony Blair? If this doggy parade goes on much longer, we might as well close the place down. And turn it into a kennel.

(Sigh) Will these yankee loving neocons ever learn that Canada belongs to Canadians?

And bugger off so we can do our Canadian thing. Celebrate the birthday of a dead English Queen, with fireworks and beer.

Hey she may have been really weird. And a hypocritical sex and drug fiend too.

But at least we get a holiday out of her.

Happy dead crazy English Queen weekend everyone!

Throw a shrimp, or a neocon, on the barbie for me...

Monkey love and the meaning of life

Holy banana! That story about how our ancestors mated with chimps really had me scratching my armpits today. It seems so unbelievable.

It could be the oldest, not to mention the messiest, break-up in history. When humans and chimpanzees split up along the path of evolution, they carried on having sex for as long as 4m years, geneticists claim today.

How did they ever find each other across the Great Hairy Divide? What a Romeo and Juliet tale of monkey love.

It must have the religious wingnuts in a frenzy. Those chimps are making a monkey out of their so-called theory of Intelligent Design.

Tarzan. Cheetah. FRIENDS....

On the other hand it does explain a lot of things..... like why humans like bananas so much.

Or why we have a tendency to become drunk and disorderly

Or act like selfish neocons.

Oh what a CRUEL twist of fate. Of all the monkeys in the world we had to fuck with the wrong one.

Too bad. Not only are the bonobos less violent, less sexist and more fun.

They're far better looking as well.














Hmmm....talk about a HUNKY monkey. What do you think my fellow apes?

Is it REALLY too late to start all over again?

Playing politics with Afghanistan

I'm going to try to stay away from cheap politics tonight. If you've ever managed to get through one of my raging rants you know that won't be easy. But tonight I just have to show a little class. To honour the latest brave soldier to die in Afghanistan. Because she had a lot of class. And because I don't want to be accused like Prime Minister Harper was today of showing no class at all. By using her death as a political club.

But for me there was an even more jarring moment outside the Commons today. When Harper, after abruptly cancelling a newser, decided to speak to reporters after all. Although it was pretty obvious that he really didn't want to. Later James Travers described Harper's mood as "petulant." But I thought he looked really angry and stressed. His face was puffy and pale. And I found the look in his eyes even more disturbing than usual.

After delivering a short diatribe aimed at the Liberals, he turned to go when one of the reporters asked him "aren't you going to say anything about the dead soldier." Harper stopped dead in his tracks. " Oh yeah, the dead soldier," he said. Or something like that. But it was the look on his face that was most telling. Instead of being grateful for the chance to honour our dead hero. He seemed annoyed. As if he was pissed off at her for dying so inconveniently on the day of the Afghanistan debate. As if it was some kind of Liberal plot.

If that doesn't say it all I don't know what does.

As for Afghanistan, I'll save my thoughts on that for another time. Except to say that the government should have tried to reach a compromise with the other parties. Instead of just playing politics. If they had maybe everyone could have agreed to keep our troops there for at least one more year. With Parliament to decide by a certain time next year whether they stay any longer.

That way the troops would be able to fully develop their mission, NATO would get ample warning that we might pullout, and most importantly we would all get a better idea about what exactly we're facing there. Whether we can really make a difference. And what it's really going to cost.

That way we could hear from our soldiers who are doing the fighting. And hear whether they still think it's still worth more Canadian dead. Or more shattered lives.

We could have had a real national debate. And in the end Parliament could have made a more informed choice. The government may have won tonight. But in a way we all lost. Two years is a long time...

But we can talk about all of that some other day. I just want to end by saying something else about Capt. Nichola Goddard.

I feel really sad for such a young life lost. But I also feel incredibly proud of her, and our country.

Proud that she showed the world that Canada is a country where women can be anything they want. Including brave soldiers in front line combat.

Proud that she died fighting to help bring freedom, and schools, and clinics to the women of Afghanistan. So hopefully one day little girls there can be anything they want too.

However we feel about the war. However disgusted we might be over the rushed and unseemly nature of the debate.

I think we can all be proud of that...