I sent out one of my drones today. An adult version of the one we're using in Afghanistan. Its mission to circle over Ottawa and look for signs of intelligent life. Well signs of life anyway. I know that pretentious village is always so boring, but it's just been so eerily quiet.
I didn't even bother looking for our new government. They're just missing in action. President Harper has muzzled them all. So much for those rugged Tory individualists. Now they're as docile as a herd of Alberta cows. Moo.Moo. Plop.Plop.The sensors on my drone could smell the fear and the manure a mile away. I didn't have to waste any precious flying time tracking them down.
No I was looking for my favourite enemies: the bible pounding fanatics who make up the ConservaCon base. They've been awfully quiet too. And that's not like them. According to my calculations they should have turned Parliament by now into a National House of Prayer.
Hmmm.....I think they should reinforce the foundations of the House of Commons, and put a new lightning and bad juju conductor on the roof.
But prayer is after all just prayer. A benign form of insanity. I've got nothing against people who talk to their gods. As long as they are not too loud, and don't cause a fuss. I've been known to mumble a couple myself. Once when I wandered into a mine field by mistake. The kind of mines that can blow your balls off. And once when my plane was on fire. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone should have a fantasy friend!
No the religious fanatics I was looking for today are the homo hating wingnuts who would put me down and steal my rights. I've been tracking them for years, until they mysteriously disappeared off my radar screen during the last election. Where are they I wondered. Why are they still lying low? Why aren't they baying for my blood? And why have they, like the entire Harper government, suddenly gone so silent.Then from 3,000 feet I spotted this and it all became so clear.
Of course, I should have known it. they're just biding their time. Hiding their agenda. Waiting for the right moment to strike. Waiting for a Harper majority. Oh they may be real quiet now. But I'm happy to report, they're still the same crazy gang!
I mean didn't you luv it when Preston Manning departed from his notes and declared that many gay people become gay after some "horrific" heterosexual relationships? At first I was confused. I never had a horrific heterosexual relationship. I've always enjoyed them too. Then I realized the parson just had it backwards. Like so many of those other prairie rubes. Although I wondered what was the difference between that and this. Answer: not much.
But I did enjoy Manning's messianical call to his followers to be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves. To go forth among us as sheep among wolves.
Jesus Christ that's a good one. Did he get that one ass backwards too, or what? How about poisonous snakes, doves with bird flu, and sheep with big sharp teeth like this one.
Uh Oh. We really do have a problem. It's hard to draw a bead on these "sheep" when they are lying so close to the ground. I believe that Harper is counting on them to stay that way until after the next election. So he can once again pull the wool over the eyes of the Canadian people. And fool them into giving him a majority.
I'm afraid that after that last bout of collective insanity I can't afford take any chances. I want to make sure their sheep skins are sheared off before the next election. So even a dummy hoser can see what these wolfy wingnuts are really all about. I want them to turn on President Harper as they have on Chimp Bush. I want some fur to fly!
To make sure it does. I've decided to stir things up. I'm working on a form letter to send to these nuts.
Dear Reverend, Father,Minister, Rabbi, Imam, Holy Roller, Wicca Witch, Miracle Healer, JuJu priest, scary witchdoctor etc.
I am writing to you to beg you to please pray for President Harper to save me from the sodomites.
He promised to do so much but he hasn't done a thing. They still have their rights. They're still not in jail. And now they're circling all around me like a pack of hungry wolves. I don't even dare have a heterosexual relationship. I'm afraid it could turn out to be horrific. I could be recruited. And turn into one of them.
I've tied a string around my dick (I mean my nasty dirty thing) and I've put a cork in my bum. But thanks to President Harper I'm losing my will to resist.
Pray for me! Rescue me! Save me from a fate worse than death! Save me from myself!
I'm still pure. But barely. Thanks a lot President Harper. Your majority. My ass.
Obediently, humbly, prostratingly yours
P.S. They're still killing babies and allowing women to work!!!!!!!
I figure that should get them going. Force some of that fur to fly off. Open some Canadian eyes. Oh my God look honey, that cute little lamb is really a big bad wolf!!!! Honey?
In the meantime, I'm not taking any chances. Not after reading this or this.
I'm lining my bunker with six extra layers of tin foil. And installing a bad juju conductor.
But when those crazy wingnuts finally crawl out of the woodwork.
Guess who will be waiting for them.
Guess who is going to be zapped.
You got it.