Friday, March 31, 2006

Indiana Harper and the Temple of Doom










When I first saw this picture my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Was President Bush really about to lose his balance and bounce like a severed head down the steps of the pyramid? And was President Harper really getting ready to catch him?

Caramba. Swoon.What a moment that would have been. The photo op of photo ops. Indiana Harper saves President Chimp from certain death at the Temple of Doom. Would that wimp Tony Blair be jealous or what? Then I saw some television footage and realized they were only about three feet off the ground. The only thing Harper was going to catch was the real President's farts.

Although I suppose it also could have ended badly. Harper could have lunged for Bush, lost his own balance, fallen on him and crushed his hero like a bug. Which of course would have made him enormously popular not only in Canada and the United States. But in Europe, and Latin America, and in most of the rest of the world as well. Forget a Conservative majority government. Next time around Harper would be going for President for Life!

Although if he's going to win the support of most Americans he's going about it the wrong way with these ridiculous ads. Boots on the ground indeed. How about a boot in the ass for the idiots who dreamed up this embarrassing Yankee boot-licking ad? How low will these Harperites go to kiss Chimp ass? And how stupid can they be?

Don't they realize that Americans don't want Canada to be an armed Mini-Me.They want Canada to be a quaint, peaceful place where they can go to buy things cheaply, see mounties and museums, and feel a little safer from the threat of terrorist attack than they do back home. One look at that poster and any Americans thinking of coming to visit us this summer, will visit Vermont instead.
Or stay at home.




And who can blame them? That menacing soldier and that sinister slogan "Boots on the Ground" look like something out of V for Vendetta. What if some Saudi diplomat in Washington saw it? It's practically an invitation to Al Qaeda. The Canadian tourist industry should sue the Harper government for killing the season before it has even begun.
If only the rest of us could sue them for making us look like fools.

Or like a bunch of pathetically insecure wannabe warmongers begging for love from the right wing losers of the Bush administration. Which of course, is even worse. You can't put a price on that kind of humiliation. Or misrepresentation. If the Conservatives keep up this banjo plucking Yankee love-in, we'll be the laughingstock of the entire world. Hitching a ride on a falling star like Bush and his discredited regime isn't only absurd. It's absolutely insane.

But that's Harper's problem. I'm sure Canadians are smart enough to draw their
own conclusions. Although I must admit I am frequently disappointed. Like I was today at Chichen-Itza. I was hoping it would be a little spookier. Because it's such a spooky place. On a moon lit night you can see a certain line where they stopped building temples and astronomical sites, and started building skull racks. Religion turned to mass murder as it so frequently does. A great empire descended into blood lust and began to decline.

I thought it was such an appropriate setting for the Three Amigos. Fox will soon be replaced by an anti-Nafta left-wing President. Bush is crashing to earth like a flaming meteorite. And if Harper keeps up this kind of Republican style Yankee ass kissing closed government he'll soon be heading for political oblivion as well.
But my real disappointment wasn't just that it wasn't spooky enough. Or the fact that Harper didn't catch or crush Bush. It was that he didn't stumble upon the Temple of the Phallus. It's just a small temple but it's got one of these sticking out of the wall.






Can you imagine the look on Harper's face? The homo horror of it all. Can you imagine the photo? Or what a little Photo-Shop could do?

How it could have been used to illustrate how we feel about Harper's plans to turn Canada into a Yankee loving Mini-Me. By adding a few simple captions.

Like ride her cowboy.

Sit on it Mr President.

Boots on the ground....

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Private and the Brigadier
















I see we lost another soldier in Afghanistan today. A good one too.

Pte. Robert Costall was absolutely convinced that what we are doing there is the right thing to do. He wanted to make a difference. He had a wife and young baby. But he was calm before he left on his last mission. At peace with himself.

He fought bravely to defend his fellow soldiers. He was only 22-years-old when he died. I'm impressed by that kind of idealism and bravery. But I'm not surprised. There are a lot of good ones over there.

What stuns me is the strength of their
loved ones. The fortitude of these military families. The way they deal with their loss. I should know better. I think you really have to be one of them to understand what that's about. They're going to need every ounce of that strength to get them through the next few months.

In a few weeks the snow in the mountains south of Kandahar will start to melt, and groups of Taliban will start leaving their sanctuaries in Pakistan, and moving down the passes into Afghanistan. We can expect more battles like the one where Pte. Costall died. And a steady trickle of casualties, sometimes exploding into a stream. I hope Canadians won't be panicked by that.


And that the debate or national discussion we need to have won't be about casualties, but about whether we're doing the right thing. Like Pte. Costall believed we are.

In the meantime please excuse me if I celebrate this latest
victory over the Taliban.

You know how I feel about them. Anyone who beats, tortures, and executes women for "crimes" like leaving their husbands. Anyone who bombs schools so little girls can't be educated and free.

Anyone who murders gays for who they are by collapsing walls on them. Any filthy beasts like that deserve to die. The more of those "martyrs" the merrier...

Let's just hope our mission stays simple and right.

Like this British war hero who led a group of Canadian soldiers into battle fought his war.
















Brigadier James Hill who died today led the Ist Canadian Parachute Battallion in some of the fiercest fighting of the Normandy invasion. The Canadians would have followed him to hell and back. Not bad for a Brit.

And what a soldier too. Fighting on with half his ass blown off. Or approaching young soldiers cowering under fire, gently poking them with his walking stick and telling them "Son, we've got to do something about this."

As I said before about military families maybe you just have to be one of them to understand what that's all about.

Brigadier Hill lived to the ripe old age of 95. Private Costall died at the too young age of twenty-two.

But if I could I'd say the same thing to both of them.

Thank you gentlemen.

Jolly good show.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

President Harper and his trained seals









It was a creepy little afternoon in Ottawa. First there was President Harper entering through the back door, to avoid the dumbo media camped out at the front door. Where Canadian Prime Ministers used to make their entrance. A man alone with his thoughts..... and his bodyguards

Then there was a short "media opportunity" as the Conservative Ministry of Propaganda calls news conferences these days. Not in the National Press Theatre where Canadian Prime Ministers used to hold newsconferences. But in front of this far more muscular background. With a bodyguard and a rent-a-cop posed like props











Hail Harper. I feel safer already. What kind of message do you think they trying to project?

And then there was that Tory caucus meeting President Harper went to next. And whipped up in to a freakin frenzy with some rube arousing talk. I couldn't believe how hard those cabinet ministers and caucus seals were clapping their flippers. It was a flapping flipper frenzy. They seem to be competing to see who could clap the loudest. It reminded me of those Communist Party meetings in the Soviet Union, with all those pathetic stooges huffing and puffing and sweating like pigs but not daring to stop clapping -- or else.

And then to cap things off there was the sight of those same cabinet ministers and caucus seals running from the media, rather than risk saying anything that might offend Great Leader. And cause them to be summoned to the northern White House (formerly known as 24 Sussex Drive) for a tonguelashing or something worse.

Although in my humble opinion being told what to say by Sandra "Coca Cola" Buckler is about as low as you can go. She says they're posing Harper like that to show Parliament off to the people! Like it was just another prop. Instead of the house of democracy of the Canadian people. Where Prime Ministers don't act like Presidents. And elected representatives don't run from the media, like racketeers at some kind of organized crime inquiry.The only difference being these cowed cons don't mumble "ask my lawyer." They mumble " ask my leader."

Oh yeah. It's a creepy little show alright. I mean where is V when we need him? I'd be quaking in my boots, if I wasn't lying on my back, gasping for breath, trying to stop laughing.









I mean, who does President Harper think he is? The Prime Minister of a minority government in a Canadian Parliamentary democracy? Or the president of some kind of authoritarian Banana Republic?

How dare he inflict this Karl Rovian production on the helpless Canadian people, at the end of a long winter. At first I thought it was a Republican version of the Prisoner of Zenda --the one written for war crazy chimps. But if that's open and transparent government as Great Leader wrote upon the wall, I think we're looking at yet another remake of Animal Farm. The Neo Con Version.With Harper as Napoleon. And Sandra Buckler as Squealer. And Myron Thompson as himself.

Where stirring slogans like

GOVERNMENTS MUST BE OPEN AND TRANSPARENT

are amended to say .....UNLESS WE ARE IN POWER

Seriously though, you really have to wonder. If President Harper is acting like this now. With only thirty per cent of the vote. Imagine what he might be like if he ever got a majority. Kind of brings to mind that memorable moment when the savage dogs are unchained by the pigs, and set upon the other animals --or some of them?

It's clear that Harper is aiming for an early election, to take advantage of the favourable dynamic in Quebec, before it shifts again. The good news is that this kind of authoritarian governing style will go down like a lead balloon in la Belle Province. Unlike English Canadians, Quebecers still like reporters. They don't like to see them put down, or cutoff as Harper did to some French reporters today. The issue got big play. If they keep it up it will only get worse. Vive la difference!

As for the dumbo media, the lazy idiots who practically elected Harper I hope they've learned their lesson too. Maybe now that their dizzy love affair has ended so suddenly and tragically Boo hoo. Sob. Sob. They can start asking Harper some real questions about his radical plans for Canada before the next election. Who knows those bozos might even stumble across a hidden agenda.

But at least they'll learn that it's just a waste of time and energy to chase those Conservative seals all over the place. To try to corner them and try to ask them questions. When all they are allowed to do is bark and clap, and look pathetic. It's practically inhumane. The next thing we know Bardot will be here.

No far better to take pity on them. Give them a fighting chance. Feed them enough sardines to keep them going. Give them big plastic balls, and teach them some tricks to please Great Leader.

Then settle back and enjoy the show. It's going to be a chiller of a thriller. A surrealistic dark comedy, with a bit of farce thrown in for good measure. But make sure you catch it while you can.

Coz I got a feeling it won't last long...It's too crazy for that.

Encore! Encore!

Woof. Woof. Clap. Clap.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

James and Dan and the big gay cover-up







Wow! What a surprise. I had no idea that James Loney was gay. I was more than surprised,I was stunned. If you had asked me who the gay guy was, I would have thought it was the guy with the bun. Shame on me. But it's worse than that. It can only mean that my usually reliable gay radar has blown a fuse. Lordy I'm flying blind! I better send it in to the shop before summer arrives. I don't want to end up like Luna, humping a boat instead of a whale. But really, who could have suspected that a scrawny bearded crazy Christian pacifist like that could be one of us?

Still it does leave me kind of hung up on the horns of an ugly dilemma. I'm supposed to feel grateful the media covered it up. When I usually spend most of my time criticizing them for ignoring our lives and our struggle. Ugh. Get me some gravol.I feel sick to my stomach. All I can say is it must have been really easy, doing what comes natural.

But since they're patting themselves on the back maybe the media can focus on a whole bunch of Canadians who also have to keep their mouths shut, lie about who they are, if they want to save their lives.

That's the real face of prejudice. The one you never hear of in the media. The dirty smelly hetero thing that dogs us like a swamp monster from the day we come out, to the day we die. And turns places that should be safe, like schoolyards, hospitals, and senior homes into a horror show of fear, bigotry and violence.

I'll never understand why more straight people in this country don't speak out against stuff like that. Don't do more to stop the hatred directed at us from their side. Maybe they just don't want to be tainted with the same bigot brush. Maybe they're afraid. Maybe it's because they think it's just an abstract debate over gay rights. When it's really all about our lives.


Hmmm....I wonder if these guys I stumbled across last weekend, had to put up with any of that bigotry before they died.














I hope not. It doesn't look as if they had to hide who they were. Or who they loved. Good for them.


Good for James Loney too. He seems like a nice guy, and a brave one too. I like how he thanked the SAS guys who freed him. By talking about the soldier who cut his chains. I don't really have anything against pacifists either. We need them to remind everyone that war is ugly and evil.

I just think that people who believe they can make a difference by wandering around unarmed in a country where religious fanatics are drilling holes in people, or sawing off their toes before shooting or beheading them, are hopelessly naive. And need to be protected from themselves. So others don't have to waste their time, or risk their lives saving them.

But I'm not worried about Loney going back to Iraq, or any other place where murderous Muslim fanatics hold sway. I'm counting on his partner Dan to restrain him -- if necessary with chains.

I'm worried about Loney's return to the Soo.

Will his partner Dan be with him? Will he ride in an open car? Will the cheers turn to boos? Will people tear down those pictures of Loney the local paper printed? Along with those red ribbons. Will the messages of support turn to messages of hate? In Harper's Canada you never know.

Oh I'm sure James and Dan will be safe. Safer than Iraq, even if their government is preparing to steal their rights. And whip up the mob against them. I'm sure they think they're living in the land of the free. That's what happens when you're gentle and naive.

They might even get away with it too. Until like all their brothers and sisters, they eventually get old or sick. Then they'll find out that when they're weak and helpless not even their prayers will save them.

No wonder so many gay seniors are talking about places like these. Those who can afford them and those who can't. Or why an old couple I know is thinking about buying a gun.

I wonder how long I'll have to wait before the media pays any attention to those kind of gay stories. The ones that really affect our lives. The ones that are feeding an anger that will one day explode.

Then I'll be really grateful.

Right now I am not.

Right now I'm just angry. But luckily I just saw V for Vendetta.

And luckily I'm no pacifist.

So I'm happy to settle for revenge!

Saturday, March 25, 2006

The Dirty War and the Freedom Party









The first time I landed at Aeroparque airport in Buenos Aires, I thought it was one of the most beautiful airports I'd ever seen. It's a lush green strip on the edge of the brown waters of the River Plate. It was a beautiful warm sunny day and I could smell the eucalyptus trees, and honeysuckle bushes.

Then I saw a military Herc taxiing down a runway, and I remembered something horrible. This was one of the airports where thousands of men, women,and children took off on planes like that, and never returned.

It happened during Argentina's dirty war. Groups of about thirty prisoners would be chosen from some of the clandestine detention centers in Buenos Aires. Most of them had been held for weeks and months, and brutally tortured. Now they were told their suffering was over. They were going to be taken to a nice camp in the south.

Their guards put on music and made them dance to show them how happy and grateful they were. Then the prisoners were told they had to be vaccinated. Instead they were given a powerful barbiturate that made them groggy or knocked them out.

Then they were loaded on to a plane and flown out over the South Atlantic. Sometimes they were given another needle, sometimes they were not. Sometimes their stomachs were slashed open before they threw them out of the door. So the bodies would sink sooner and be eaten by sharks. Once they threw a tiny baby out with its mother. Because the bastard butchers thought the baby was too ugly for anyone to adopt.

It's a horrifying story. Although it's just one episode in a murderous dirty war that went on for years. But what makes this story even more horrendous, is that the death flight killers were blessed by the Catholic Church.

They were told that throwing people out of planes alive was OK. That their victims, the "godless communists" died a "Christian death" because they "didn't suffer." Some of these priests were even criminals themselves.

I mention all of this because this weekend Argentinians are marking the 30th anniversary of the military coup that launched the dirty war. And they've been doing it with a wonderful mixture of sadness and joy.

It may be a wake. But it's also a freedom party.















Although it's hard to celebrate when a legion of war criminals, cogs in a killing machine are probably partying with you.

So many of those responsible for these atrocities have never been punished.

A few days later my Argentine friend took me to an old cemetery on the outskirts of Buenos Aires where they had recently discovered some bodies. It was a beautiful leafy place. In the corner of the cemetery was a small ornate building where bodies were once prepared for burial. It was dark and cool inside. It hadn't been used for years.

My friend told me about a young student who was brought here during the dirty war. They held him down on the concrete slab in the middle of the room. And then they jabbed a needle straight into the heart, and injected him with a chemical used to put dogs down.

The concrete table was spattered with what looked like blood stains. There was a carpet of golden leaves on the floor. And a giant crucifix on the wall. It would have been the last thing he saw before they stopped his heart. I wonder if his killers crossed themselves before they carried his body out.

I know it was a long time before I could leave. I just stood there paralyzed with horror, in that peaceful terrible place.




I hope they found his body.

I hope that the brutish right wingers who killed him, and those who gave the orders, and those who blessed them and called torture and murder god's work,are finally punished. That who he was, and how he died, isn't ever forgotten.

I wish that he could know that his country finally came out of the darkness and into the light.

But at least I can thank that poor student for bringing the horror of what happened during the Dirty War home to me. Sometimes numbers are numbing. Sometimes one story tells you EVERYTHING...

And thank him too for giving me a few more words to throw in the faces of all those fascists and murderous religious fanatics who infest the world, and persecute, torture, and kill for their faith.

No thanks.

Fuck off.

Nunca Mas.

Never again...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Christians and the forgotten victims of Afghanistan












Uh Oh. It looks as if that Christian in Afghanistan might be executed after all. And I was so sure he'd be declared insane. I was in favour of that. It would be such a great precedent. And definitely better for him than getting hanged.

Although does that mean he'll be locked up in a loony bin full of Taleban and stoned to death there? Or allowed to wander unprotected through the grounds of that medieval insane asylum called Afghanistan like a marked man. So anyone can get him.?

I guess it does. In that case I'm not in favour of any of the above. I suggest we do the only thing that makes sense. Threaten to pull our troops out unless he's declared insane. And when he is, admit him as an immigrant to Canada.

If he isn't insane the religious fanatics of the Afghan Supreme Court will be really glad to get rid of him, before they have to kill him and lose their funding.
And if he is insane? Well he'll fit right in with the rest of us trying to survive March in Canada. Although it does mean Harper will get another vote.

Speaking of our President, I was glad to see to see him telling Karzai what to do. I'm sure that will please his base, they're so foaming mad they're ready to launch a jihad of their own. I understand why they're so angry. But why are they so surprised? The Saudis have been persecuting Christians for years.

I'm also glad that Harper called for complete freedom of religion. You know I consider religion a form of insanity. But everyone should be free to be mad! Including these Christian Peacemakers. I'm glad they're safe. I suppose we should also be grateful their little folly only cost one life.

Oh yes I'm delighted that everyone is so indignant over the plight of Christians in Afghanistan. Now will somebody please get indignant over the plight of women accused of adultery by their piggy husbands. And the way these medieval monsters treat gay teenagers in love.

It's a disturbing image isn't it? I wonder if Canadian soldiers ever provide an escort for prison buses carrying gay teenagers to jails where they can be raped and murdered? Or whether they look away, and laugh in their faces, like the Americans do in Iraq?

Maybe we're supposed to be grateful that they're not supposed to torture or hang them as they do in Iran.











Well sorry we're not. We're always being asked to be grateful for the crumbs off the tables of the right AND the left. Fuck no. We expect President Harper to speak out against ALL human rights abuses in Afghanistan. Not just the ones that please his base. The wingnut bigots who are always baying for our blood.

But of course, that would be too much to expect from Harper. He believes that homosexuality is a behaviour not an orientation. Just like those crazy medieval mullahs. Never mind that a behaviour can be changed or criminalized. While an orientation cannot. If Harper really had his way he would strip us of all our rights, order us tortured with electric shocks, or thrown in faggot camps. But he'll learn his lesson soon enough.

Despite all of this depressing stuff, I still support our troops and our mission in Afghanistan. But it is getting harder by the day. Especially when I read stuff like this. I thought the death of that taxi driver was an accident of war. But treating ordinary Afghans with contempt, is a very bad sign if you are running a counter insurgency operation. It almost guarantees defeat. Three months from now that boy might be back with a roadside bomb.

Yeah our mission in Afghanistan is getting messy in a hurry. We really need a debate. Not to pull our troops out. We're committed for the next year. We need a debate so we can talk about why we're really there. And ask questions about a few other things as well. Like what is Harper doing about the plight of the other victims in Afghanistan?

I'm willing to give our mission a chance. I realize that bad things don't change overnight. But if the Afghan government doesn't rein in its crazy fundamentalists, and improve its human rights, then when our tour is up we should get the fuck out. We are supposed to be there to help the Afghans build a democracy, not to prop up a druglord theocracy. Or look the other way while women, Christians and teenagers are jailed or killed.

Fighting and dying to support that kind of government is worth nothing at all.

In the meantime I'll keep thinking of those young gay men arriving at that filthy jail.
Chained like animals, but still holding hands.

My poor brave brothers.

Who Canada and the world forgot about.

But I never will...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Chimp Bush and his monkey show














I turned on the tv today to check the weather, and was stunned to find myself watching this monkey show. Although it turned out to be a lucky break, because it was a King Kong of a show!

Bush was acting so funny and out of control I thought he had fallen off the wagon. Until he started wriggling his nose and sniffing heavily, like one of those talking gorillas in Planet of the Apes. Then a terrifying thought entered my mind. What if he was trying to knock a rock out of his nosehairs and into the back of his throat? What if the Chimp was snorting coke?

Although please tell me that doesn't really make any sense. Does it? If he was really back on the blow he would have invaded North Korea by now. And he hasn't even got to Iran.

Still it really was a good Bad Monkey show, and Bush really did act weird. He was fidgety and edgy and super aggressive. He seemed to be getting a kick out of putting down reporters and cutting them off. He was obviously a man under a lot of stress, wound up and ready to explode. But when he was wasn't looking really worried nothing could wipe that evil smirk off his face. Except Helen Thomas, of course. When she asked the Emperor has no clothes question. The one nobody had dared ask him before.

"Why did you really want to go to war?"

You can read all about heroic Helen, and about the far less heroic performance of most of the MSM at Antonia's excellent Iraq Anniversary post.

I too was shocked and disgusted by the wimpy questions of the White House media. What a pathetic performance by that pack of trained seals. Hold the sardines. How could anyone not challenge this absurd remark?

"Mr Zarqawi and Al Qaeda, the same people who attacked the United States, have made it clear that they want to drive us out of Iraq, so they can plan, plot and attack America again."

But nobody did. The way I see it they are either too scared or too stupid to be journalists. Instead of just sitting there with their flippers crossed, they should be given a big plastic ball, and sent off to frolic with the dolphins.


Then there was the comic relief....

"We're making progress because we have a strategy for victory."

Now that's funny. Sounds like the same strategy for victory the Fuhrer had. The day before he shot himself.

But of course there is some method to the madness. Karl Rove, Bush's sinister puppet master, makes sure of that. It's called setting up a straw man, and then knocking him down.

Kind of reminds you of what our President did during his visit to Kandahar. Doesn't it?

I guess it's a case of monkey see, fat monkey do.

Which reminds me that the moneybags who run the Republican Party have a real Bad Monkey problem. How to keep their riled up Chimp under control, before he takes them all down. Not to mention the American Empire. I figure they have two choices.

One, they can fire Rove and get a stricter animal handler.

Or two, they keep Rove and get themselves a smaller monkey. I think they may already have one in mind. Or two.

The way I see it we can't lose. Either the Chimp is kept on a short leash and regularly abused.

Or he's too shrunken and diminished to worry about. They can keep him busy for the rest of his term for the price of one of these.

.












Not the painting, the banana.

Yeah I like the sound of that.

"....You can put them in a salad, You can put them in a pie..."

Or the sound of this.

"Hey Rove. Give that mini chimp a teeny bit of banana. And make sure that piggy Harper doesn't eat the rest..."

Now if only I could figure out what to do with those flunky media seals....

Anyone in Newfoundland got any ideas?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Drones, wingnuts and all that juju








I sent out one of my drones today. An adult version of the one we're using in Afghanistan. Its mission to circle over Ottawa and look for signs of intelligent life. Well signs of life anyway. I know that pretentious village is always so boring, but it's just been so eerily quiet.

I didn't even bother looking for our new government. They're just missing in action. President Harper has muzzled them all. So much for those rugged Tory individualists. Now they're as docile as a herd of Alberta cows. Moo.Moo. Plop.Plop.The sensors on my drone could smell the fear and the manure a mile away. I didn't have to waste any precious flying time tracking them down.

No I was looking for my favourite enemies: the bible pounding fanatics who make up the ConservaCon base. They've been awfully quiet too. And that's not like them. According to my calculations they should have turned Parliament by now into a National House of Prayer.

Hmmm.....I think they should reinforce the foundations of the House of Commons, and put a new lightning and bad juju conductor on the roof.

But prayer is after all just prayer. A benign form of insanity. I've got nothing against people who talk to their gods. As long as they are not too loud, and don't cause a fuss. I've been known to mumble a couple myself. Once when I wandered into a mine field by mistake. The kind of mines that can blow your balls off. And once when my plane was on fire. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone should have a fantasy friend!

No the religious fanatics I was looking for today are the homo hating wingnuts who would put me down and steal my rights. I've been tracking them for years, until they mysteriously disappeared off my radar screen during the last election. Where are they I wondered. Why are they still lying low? Why aren't they baying for my blood? And why have they, like the entire Harper government, suddenly gone so silent.Then from 3,000 feet I spotted this and it all became so clear.

Of course, I should have known it. they're just biding their time. Hiding their agenda. Waiting for the right moment to strike. Waiting for a Harper majority. Oh they may be real quiet now. But I'm happy to report, they're still the same crazy gang!

I mean didn't you luv it when Preston Manning departed from his notes and declared that many gay people become gay after some "horrific" heterosexual relationships? At first I was confused. I never had a horrific heterosexual relationship. I've always enjoyed them too. Then I realized the parson just had it backwards. Like so many of those other prairie rubes. Although I wondered what was the difference between that and this. Answer: not much.


But I did enjoy Manning's messianical call to his followers to be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves. To go forth among us as sheep among wolves.

Jesus Christ that's a good one. Did he get that one ass backwards too, or what? How about poisonous snakes, doves with bird flu, and sheep with big sharp teeth like this one.









Uh Oh. We really do have a problem. It's hard to draw a bead on these "sheep" when they are lying so close to the ground. I believe that Harper is counting on them to stay that way until after the next election. So he can once again pull the wool over the eyes of the Canadian people. And fool them into giving him a majority.

I'm afraid that after that last bout of collective insanity I can't afford take any chances. I want to make sure their sheep skins are sheared off before the next election. So even a dummy hoser can see what these wolfy wingnuts are really all about. I want them to turn on President Harper as they have on Chimp Bush. I want some fur to fly!

To make sure it does. I've decided to stir things up. I'm working on a form letter to send to these nuts.

Dear Reverend, Father,Minister, Rabbi, Imam, Holy Roller, Wicca Witch, Miracle Healer, JuJu priest, scary witchdoctor etc.

I am writing to you to beg you to please pray for President Harper to save me from the sodomites.
He promised to do so much but he hasn't done a thing. They still have their rights. They're still not in jail. And now they're circling all around me like a pack of hungry wolves. I don't even dare have a heterosexual relationship. I'm afraid it could turn out to be horrific. I could be recruited. And turn into one of them.
I've tied a string around my dick (I mean my nasty dirty thing) and I've put a cork in my bum. But thanks to President Harper I'm losing my will to resist.

Pray for me! Rescue me! Save me from a fate worse than death! Save me from myself!

I'm still pure. But barely. Thanks a lot President Harper. Your majority. My ass.

Obediently, humbly, prostratingly yours

Simon

P.S. They're still killing babies and allowing women to work!!!!!!!

I figure that should get them going. Force some of that fur to fly off. Open some Canadian eyes. Oh my God look honey, that cute little lamb is really a big bad wolf!!!! Honey?

In the meantime, I'm not taking any chances. Not after reading this or this.

I'm lining my bunker with six extra layers of tin foil. And installing a bad juju conductor.

But when those crazy wingnuts finally crawl out of the woodwork.

Guess who will be waiting for them.

Guess who is going to be zapped.

You got it.

Drone On...

Sunday, March 19, 2006

The day they opened the gates of hell











It's hard to believe it's only been three years since we were all glued to our tv sets watching this nightmarish little fireworks show called Shock and Awe. Watching as the Americans rained down death from the sky, and opened the gates of hell.

It feels much longer than that. It seems like this crazy war has been going on forever.


They say the anti-war protests this weekend weren't as big as they were in other years. But who can blame anyone? The gates of hell may have slammed behind the Americans and their other partners in the so-called Coalition of the Willing. But the fires they set off have consumed us all.

The neverending images of horror and insanity, the burning buildings, the mutilated corpses, the screams of pain and loss, the desperate pleas from hostages begging for their lives, before their throats were cut. It's all been too much. We've been brutalized, coarsened, desensitized, made numb with despair. Once we might have shaken our fists at the tv set. Or wept. Now we can't even watch.

What a dark journey it has been. But at least most of the American people aren't buying that bullshit anymore. They know better. Their dumbo media has stopped cheerleading and started asking questions, at last.


So now at least they know the difference between a military victory, and an absurd photo op.

They also know that dirty wars lead to black rooms and other dirty places. And what it's doing to coalition soldiers there --even those lucky or unlucky enough to survive.


It's too bad that so many Iraqis had to die before most Americans finally figured out what was going on. And that so many others had their dreams of a better life smashed.

It's too bad that so many young Americans had to die too. Die thinking that they were defending America from terrorists.....when all they were doing was breeding them like rabbits.




But it's some of the soldiers who survive I really feel sorry for. The ones without arms, legs or faces. The ones with brain injuries and serious psychological problems. The ones who will have a whole lifetime to wonder what went wrong. And why their governments lied to them, and didn't tell them why they were there.

Didn't tell them it was so Americans could get 911 out of their system, feel better about themselves, with a mindblowing display of their military power. They might have let Bin Laden escape, but by George they would get Saddam!

So Donald Rumsfeld could try out his pet theory about smaller armies packing a bigger punch. So Halliburton Cheney could keep his hands on a cheap source of oil, and keep the world paying for it with American dollars. So the Pentagon could move its bases out of Saudi Arabia, far away from the holy sites, and set up shop in Iraq instead. So Karl Rove could package Chimp Bush as a warrior king, and win the next election.

Today the Chimp was going on about honouring the dead. But I think the dead would have preferred Bruce's little video.

I don't envy our neighbours. I almost feel sorry for them now. So few years, so many lies, so many bitter lessons learned, so much war to go. We're lucky in Canada that way. All we've got to do is remember one thing:

If Stephen Harper had been our President back then, we would have been in Iraq today. Fighting and killing and dying for nothing. Trapped in our own little corner of hell. And that if he ever gets a majority, at this time in history, god only knows down what dark roads he might lead us. And what it might cost our country.

Three years after the bombs first started falling on Baghdad the road ahead seems darker than ever. But at least now more people know what this crazy war was all about. And what it wasn't about. The military channel may still be running story after story about the glorious race to Baghdad. But most people are simply disgusted. The glory is gone. It isn't a football game anymore.

Even CNN has lost interest. Crime stories are cheaper and better. The good guys always win. And they always end on time. The war in Iraq is a bust.

So you know what that means. don't you?

When you open the gates of hell anything can happen.

Get ready for the War in Iran...

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Harper's dark side and V for Vendetta












I was enormously relieved to see that the dumbos in the MSM, have finally discovered Stephen Harper's authoritarian tendencies. Whew! Just in time. The candle of freedom still flickers in Canada's dark night. I just wonder whether their presses are still rolling. And why it took them so bloody long.

I've been warning people about Harper's dangerous tendencies for at least ten posts. Although I'm sure I mentioned them in the other 40 posts I deleted by mistake. I just can't remember. What I do remember is that the tipoff came from the parson himself, Preston Manning.

Manning was in a jovial mood that day, reminiscing in a TV interview about the time when his Reformers first arrived in Ottawa, and chuckling about his rocky relationship with his then Chief policy wonk Stephen Harper. According to Manning, Harper could never understand why his finely crafted Calgary School policies had to be approved by the grassroots. He would rage and sulk about that. He felt the rabble didn't know anything about policy matters, so they shouldn't be consulted or have any say in the matter.

"I always told him the same thing," Manning said. "Stephen, it's their money."

But Harper wasn't persuaded. He eventually parted company with Manning and went back to where he felt most comfortable. Writing essays about firewalls and other crazy right-wing stuff at the National Citizens Coalition.
Now he's Prime Minister and appears to have changed his spots. But don't be fooled. He's still the rigid ideologue, still the policy wonk he always was. Except now he's drunk with power. People like that are bad news whether they come from the left or the right. They think they own the truth. They think they are so clever, and that everyone else, including their followers, are fools.

Harper certainly fooled those Reform rubes out west. They thought they could help shape policy, but it turns out only Harper can do that. Oh sure he'll throw his base a few doggy treats to keep them quiet. Bribe them with his GST and his big-screen -TV- so -called-childcare- parent- bonus-plan. Puff them up with faux pride in our military. Let them chew on the bloody bone of gay and lesbian rights. But when it comes to policy those rubes are just along for the ride. I wish I could really savour their pain with a little Chianti. But they might still get something out of this. Their majority. Our abyss.

And if that happens only this guy can save us.











Oh boy am I looking forward to this one. I'm sorry Alan Moore is upset. But I loved his comics when I was a boy and I just know I'm really going to enjoy this film. Talk about the right movie for these crazy times. I know some people think it's a bad film. I know the anarchists are upset because the movie makes it appear as if V is fighting for democracy, instead of just smashing the state. But boy do I love that masked man!

"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."

Oh Please sir have mercy!

"Oh not tonight...."
Yeah I love the insolent face of freedom smirking at the fascist beasts. And all those witty remarks he makes, before he mows them down. But most of all I love the raging anger beneath the smirking mask. Because I feel like that too. I may smile and laugh a lot. But underneath I burn.

I'm so fucking angry about having had to spend so much time and energy fighting the right-wing hordes over the years. And their crazy creepy visions of a neocon world. I'm sick and tired of seeing them slash social programs and victimize the weakest members of society like the poor, the homeless, single mothers and children. Just to make their rich friends richer. I'm tired of their bloody so called wars on terror for power and oil. Sick of the way they're torching the planet, their campaigns of fear, their torture,and their lies.
And of course, I'm burning molten mad at finding myself in the 21st Century having to fight off legions of medieval wingnuts trying to steal my rights.Trying to make my life, and the lives of my brothers and sisters, even more of a living hell of stinking prejudice and bigotry. I'm tired of having to battle them with my pen and my fists. But I'll do whatever I have to do, for as long as it takes, to make sure that we win and they lose.
So imagine how I feel about the prospect of a right wing homophobe policy wonk posing as a tyrant.
"Remember, remember the fifth of November...."
Wouldn't that be a great day for a federal election?
Oh Yeah. Z is for Zorro. V is for victory.
I'm fighting for a kinder, gentler, better world.
But sometimes I can't help feeling that the only verdict really is revenge.
Oh please sir have mercy!
No. Not tonight...

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Emperor Harper and the insanity of it all












What on earth is going on? I leave the country for a couple of days and when I return I find the right-wing hordes baying like dogs at the moon, in a foamy uber patriotic state bordering on insanity. It turns out that Harper's trip to Kandahar wasn't just a little photo-op. It was nothing less than a national mission statement! Barf.Yikes. I had no idea it was that important. No wonder he didn't take a taxi to the airport.

Then there was Margaret Wente getting all squishy in her pay to read Globe column.

"As you watch him greet the troops in Kandahar you'd have to be a stone not to feel proud."

Ugh. Peggy no problem. Just call me Montreal Rocky from now on.

But it gets even worse. Even the usually fairly restrained John Ibbitson gets carried away in a cloud of right wing vapours. He says it's all part of Harper's plans to deconstruct the federal government, demolish the national myth, and lead a new and more aggressive military into one country after the other, as part of the so-called War on Terror. And Ibbitson thinks that's just great! Huh?

"For half a century now Canadians have seen themselves as a nation of peacekeepers.But the age of peacekeeping is past."

...."Many Canadians will see this as strident jingoism -- even nascent imperialism, an echo for them, of the ravings of the Bush White House. Others will see it as a refreshing attempt to define the national identity."


Jingo what? Huh? Eh? I had no idea we had such a serious identity problem. But then Harper and his neocons have been going on about that for years.

What they really mean is we're not the United States. The neocons think that's a bad thing. Luckily for Canada and the world, most Canadians don't agree. Yankee Doodle Dandy. Nobody wants a Mini-Me U.S. The real one is bad enough.

So I'm not worried about that. What disturbs me is that that when I left Canada two days ago Harper was just a pretend President. Who the hell crowned him Emperor in my absence?

I realize that his Excellency doesn't take kindly to criticism. But will someone in his party please summon up the courage to tell him that he's not a real Emperor either. At least not one with any clothes. Tell him that he isn't even wearing a majority. And that he's deluded if he thinks he has a mandate to take this country in a radical, right-wing direction. Any more of this crazy talk and we'll be forced to figure out a way to impeach him. Like the Americans are talking about doing to his friend. Where does Harper think we'll follow Chimp Bush -- all the way to Venezuela?

Any more of this Canada Uber Alles stuff and we'll be the laughingstock of the civilized world.

But at least Ibbitson had one thing right when he wrote:

"This Conservative Prime Minister wants Canadians to change the way they view Canada.

Many citizens, including many opposition politicians, have not grasped how powerfully Mr Harper embraces this ambition. If this trip doesn't make them see it, nothing will."


Exactly. If the dumbos from the MSM had done their job during the election campaign, and asked the questions they should have asked, this never would have happened. Harper's extremist right-wing views would have been exposed.
And he never would have been elected to any office higher than small town raccoon catcher.


But now at last the ugly truth is revealed. Hallelujah! Now every Canadian knows where he wants to lead us. Even if most of us have no intention of following. Now we can concentrate on what we have to do to make sure he meets his Waterloo.

Oh yes. I hope Emperor Harper enjoys his brief moment in the sun. I hope he gets a French chef to replace the one he fired. So he can stuff his face with cream puffs while he works on his demented plans for world domination. Our lily-white Emperor Jones and his equally pathetic media chorus. May his reign be short and troubled.













Until the glorious day that he's toppled by a free and proud to be Canadian people, and exiled to some godforsaken place like the Magdalene Islands

Where he can munch on raw mussels, and gophers, for the rest of his life. Kerrunch. Kerrunch.

Hail Harper indeed.

Don't make me laugh....

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Harper and the real War on Terror








I was glad to see President Harper in Kandahar today. It was great he finally found time to go and address our troops. Although it was a pity the timing was so screwy almost half of them couldn't be there. They were too busy fighting to attend his little photo-op. I also really liked Harper's snazzy khaki vest. I'm sure he wished he could have been done up like his hero Chimp Bush was, for his military photo op.







But it's just as well he wasn't. Even the Conservatives know that some things can't be spun. And the sad truth is, Chimp Bush really is a beast, while Harper is just a right-wing think tank nerd. Although judging from the reaction to his visit from some Tory Bloggers, you'd think Harper was nothing less than the The Conquering Hero of Kandahar! When in fact, any other Canadian leader would have done the same thing.

Still, as I said, I was glad he was there. I'm glad he expressed support for our troops. I just didn't like how he said it. I mean where does he get off talking about cutting and running? None of the political parties and only very few Canadians are talking about that. How dare he insult us that way. Imply that anyone who disagrees with him is a coward. Just like his hero was lecturing Americans today about not losing their nerve in Iraq. Too bad Bushwacky couldn't deliver that one from the bloody streets of Baghdad.

Another thing that bothered me was that although Harper was in Afghanistan with our troops, he seemed a little confused about why they were there. It was as if he had been reading the American playbook, instead of ours.

As far as I can determine, we're there as part of a U.N. /NATO mandated mission to help the people of Afghanistan rebuild their country, choose their own future, and protect them from the Taliban and other fanatics who want to prevent them from doing that.

It's not about the war on drugs, or preventing another 911, or fighting the terrorist hordes there, so we don't have to fight them in the streets of Canada. That's just the Chimp's nonsense. And he's at 30 percent in the polls. Even his own people don't believe him anymore.

The real terrorist threat comes from offices in modern cities in places like Pakistan and Saudi Arabia, Dubai, and Iran. Not from a medieval state like Afghanistan. It never did. It may have sheltered Bin Laden, but the planning, the money, and the 911 suicide bombers came from other places. Since the Americans couldn't hit them, they hit Afghanistan instead.

I'm glad they did. It helped free the Afghan people from the brutal dictatorship of the Taleban. But since they failed to capture Bin Laden and his deputy, it had very little effect on the real war on terror. And it never will. For Harper to imply that it could be an incubator again for Al-Qaeda terrorists is just naive. The real breeding grounds for terrorists are places like Indonesia's teeming slums, and the madrassahs of Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. And of course, just about anywhere now, in that hellhole called Iraq.




So let's carry out our mission in Afghanistan. Let's try to help the Afghan people get back on their feet, and do our best to protect them from the Taleban. It's a noble mission. It is a war against hired terrorists. It's good enough.

But let's make sure that we don't get carried away with the rhetoric, and get dragged into a declining Empire's insane war. Because the so-called war on terror can be a cover for a far more dangerous war. The one over shrinking oil resources, and the future of the U.S.dollar. Although some don't think it will have much impact, I'm still surprised that with just two weeks to go before Iran puts it online, it's getting such little press. Only other smart bloggers are talking about that.

Everyone is more concerned with that other Iranian story. Even though their Islamic Bomb is at least ten years away. While their Bourse Bomb is just about ready to explode. Or not.

Look all I'm trying to say is that the whole region is one tangled mess of geopolitical intrigue. We have to be very careful where we tread. And understand some of the real issues involved. So we don't ever end up like a bunch of Boy Scouts, fighting and dying for other people's oil.

Harper didn't help things today. He should have made it very clear what our mission there is all about. Instead of just mimicking Chimp Bush talk. Just trying to score cheap political points. And please the Bush Regime. But that takes a real leader and as I said before, Harper is just a right-wing think tank nerd. With a self defeating strategy.

If he keeps trying to enroll us in Bush's crazy War on Terror, or linking it to the one in Afghanistan, it will do more damage to public support for the troops over there than anything the Taleban can do.

But at least it convinces me of something. We really need a debate, just to make that very clear. And the sooner the better.

OK Mr President?

BTW where did you get that snazzy vest?

I want one too.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Spring Teases and the threat of Armageddon










It was a balmy weekend in Toronto. People were out in droves, strolling around, shopping, or just getting friendly. I wish I could have enjoyed this little Spring tease. But I couldn't shake this bad feeling. This sense of impending doom.

Maybe it was just Luna's horrible end. I thought it was a really bad omen. Everyone knew what had to be done to try to save the baby whale from himself. But nobody did anything, so now nobody is surprised that he's dead. We just let it happen. Like so many other really bad things these days all we could do was watch.

Watch helplessly as everything escalates out of control from the state of the planet, to the insanity in Iraq, or the bird flu. It's still spreading but we still don't have a proper plan, or like the Americans enough ventilators.

What a way to go. Gasping for air like fish on a beach. Hoping for someone on an overused ventilator to hurry up and die. Or if you actually get one, hoping your relatives can hold off all the others trying to pull your plug. Although look at it on the bright side. Now that the conservatives are in power you can always buy your relatives AK 47s.

Anyway, as you can imagine, all of this weighed heavily on my mind, as I wandered through the crowds today, down the boardwalk with my dog. But it wasn't until I read this alarming prediction that I got really depressed.


Yikes! So it wasn't just me. Turns out the Apocalypse might be just two weeks away. Run for your lives people. This isn't Spring Break. It's the fucking Ides of March!

I mean what if it's true? Could the American Empire and the Global Economy be about to collapse? Could the Americans be picking a fight with Iran, just to try to sink that Iranian Bourse? It is kind of curious that this deadline coincides with the two others.


Hmm......It's enough to make you want to head for the hills, or reach for some comic relief.

Luckily we live in Canada, where we may be running out of things like brains, vision, and hope, but we still got plenty of that. Silly little stories like the Emerson Affair, the Shapiro Affair, and this one.

Can you imagine? What a scandal. What does it say about our new Prime Minister? I know he's acting like a dictator, making a mockery of our Parliamentary system. I realize he's preparing to murder childcare, give away the federal farm, throw more kids in jail for smoking pot, make poor people poorer, and wage war on gays and lesbians. In short: ruin our country, divide our people,and lead us all to disaster.


But all of that pales in comparison with this outrage. I mean really people... what kind of a man, would order a chef, to bury his pet cat?

It's not just horribly callous. Don't most families bury their own pets? But imagine what could have happened if Harper and his missus had ordered gopher stew that night....with their scalloped potatoes.
Doesn't he even know you never argue with a chef. Not unless you like something extra in your food. Like a gob of spit, or a piece of your pet cat. (sigh) Doesn't he know anything at all?


On the other hand, now that we know that Harper thinks chefs make good babysitters too, at least he doesn't have to pretend that his so-called childcare program is really good for children. And neither does anybody else. Whew! That's a relief.

I mean it's not like it's another example of a really bad daycare program
It's just that it's not a daycare program at all.

(Drumroll) It's Stephen Harper's keep mum at home use the cash for anything you want (wink) (wink) baby (parent) bonus program! Hey we know what you REALLY need. Fuck those commie childcare spaces. Have enough kids and you can have one of these babies too!!














Yes that's all it is. A vulgar vote buying scheme, with a little bone in it for his religious base. Mummy stays at home. Daddy gets the dough. Just like God intended. Amen. Now get out there with the rest of them and shop until you drop!

The sad thing is it might actually work. Like it did for Mike Harris when he posed in a Consumers Distributing warehouse to show people what their tax rebates could buy. And a lot of people in Ontario went for it like a trout. And sold out their future for the sake of a few hundred bucks, or one of those newfangled VCRs.

It's taken years to repair the damage. And Toronto has never really recovered. It's just a shadow of the promising, optimistic city it once was. Before Harris and his neocon goons went to work.

And now it could happen all over again. To the whole country. Harper's so-called plan won't do anything for Canadian children. But the cash giveaway is so popular nobody even dares say it's bullshit. Not even the NDP.

See what I mean? It's just like what happened to that little whale. Everyone knows what the outcome will be. Everyone knows what we really need to do. But we're too visionless, selfish, stupid, and greedy to do the right thing. So we'll just let it happen. And let the kids and those who come after them pay for it later. Like they are going to pay for so many other things on what's left of our ruined planet.

Oh Yeah. Maybe we'll be lucky enough to escape the Ides of March. But I still can't help feeling that all those catastrophes raging out there are converging, and that sooner or later we'll be drawn into some kind of terrible vortex. And that in the meantime we're just playing with bubbles. Like Luna was before he was sucked into that propeller.

Look ...trust me.... I'm not religious. Unlike some people out there I'm not hoping for Armageddon. But like this guy I'm not prepared to take any chances either.

So I've ordered a six-month supply of baked beans, kippers, Evian water, may wests, dog food, marijuana, beer, cigarettes, books, soap, tooth paste, and toilet paper shipped out to my countryside bunker.

Now all I need is an AK 47...