Freddie Mercury's Ultimate Birthday Card

Well it's late night at Simon's, and although the proprietor is feeling very sleepy, he's also very excited eh?

Because tonight even by the awesome standards of this crummy joint, we have an extraordinary performance by the great Freddie Mercury.

You may know that this week would have been his 65th birthday. You may have read about how he died.

Freddie loved life. He lived it to the full. And towards the end, when he realised it was no longer fun, he decided to come off medication. He was suffering and sadly there was no way out.

You may have watched the Google doodle tribute to him...



But tonight I've got the ultimate birthday card to Freddie.

Freddie as you've never seen him.

From the members of his old band...



Oh boy. How sad and how great.

Did you hear him say "You forgot Quebec?"

Ready Freddie? Always Simon.

Like that little red rocket.

Sailing on FOREVER...

The Day they Called me a Homophobe

Golly. I've been called a lot of names in my life. From Mr Faggot and Mr Poof for my gay gorgeousness, to Mr Telephone Pole for the size of my....um....intellect.

But I think I can honestly say....cross my heart....I've NEVER been called an intolerant homophobe.

And I'm speechless. I can't help but feel I'm not WORTHY. So I think I'll leave the good Dr Dawg to deal with Small Dead Chihuahuas.

While I deal with Diogenes.

By sending him a little note...in a discreet brown paper envelope.

With love from one gay guy to another...

Dear Dio

I was sorry to hear that you took offence at my mild criticism of Uncle Fred's new cabaret Gay Dominion.

And of course even sorrier to note that you've been used like a tool by the bigots at the Chihuahua Factory.

And I just want to say that if I had known it was you who came up with that awful name, I wouldn't have slagged it. Just suggested something better like La Con Aux Folles.

However, brother, I do think you exaggerate a bit when you say this:

What happens when gays have the audacity to announce that they support the Conservative Party of Canada? They get compared to black klansmen and Jewish Nazis, called "Uncle Toms" or compared to black minstrels tap-dancing for "massa". They are subjected to the most outrageous, condescending and offensive smears I can imagine.

I have never encountered from Conservatives who know I am gay the animosity and vitriol directed at me by gays who find out I'm a Conservative.

I mean PUH- LEAZE. Who do you think you are? St Sebastian of the Con Closet Queens?
















At least he's HOT....I mean he WAS.

But seriously Dio what really annoys me is not that you're a Conservative Party supporter. What really pisses me off is that you and the others like you spend all your time attacking the gay movement. And always seem to be apologizing about being gay.

But still I could NEVER hate you like those homophobic Cons do. Your so-called friends. Oh sure they LOVE it when you attack us. But they laugh at you behind your back, and hate you just as much as they HATE the rest of us.

You can pretend otherwise, or hide behind your ridiculous slogan:

"Each individual should allow reason to guide his conduct, or like an animal, he will need to be lead by a leash."

But the fact is you're the one on the leash. These homophobes are just using you Dio. Like Kate just did. Taking you WALKIES. While you wag your tail, and beg them to love you...or give you a treat.

So please let's not play the martyr anymore. I'm sorry to say you're just a gay stooge.

So if you didn't like that video of what you call those "happy tap dancing negroes." At the Gay Dominion Cabaret.

How about this one?



Mammy. Mammy. Massa. Massa. I'm just a poor gay Con. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles....and a pat on the head. Now gimme a watermelon !!!!!!!!

Enjoy it. And don't forget to spit out the seeds. Eh?

Love.

Simon

Which only leaves me with something to say to Krazy Kate at Small Dead Chihuahuas.

Which is a real problem.

Because I don't speak her language.

But luckily he does....



So there. Take THAT.

Oh boy. Isn't it great to be gay, lefty, and FREE? Woof. Woof. The bigots can call me a homophobe, And bombard me with ugly messages. But I don't give a shit.

Because with opponents like that. And their gay stooges.

How can we possibly LOSE?

John McCain and the Closet Queen

Hold the pool game, turn up the music, put on your party hats. It's time to celebrate.

It turns out John McCain's Chief of Staff is a great big closet queen.

You know I used to hate closet queens, because when I came out at the age of twelve nobody else did. So I had to fight the bullies all by myself. Until Sébastien came along, four years later, to stop me from killing them.

But now that I'm not in school, I just feel sorry for closet cases. I still think they're pathetic. But I would never out one.

Except if he was a right-wing Republican, helping a man who is trying to hurt us.

John McCain is opposed to every single gay rights measure of recent years –- from a hate crimes bill, to an anti-discrimination bill to an attempt to repeal the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on gays in the military –- and is publicly on record supporting a ballot measure in California this November to strip gays and lesbians there of their legally-won right to marry in that state.

Hurt the parents of these kids....



Then if I had to I would call the nutbars from Focus on the Family myself

Because this Con closet case deserves what he's going to get.

And hell is too good for him...

-----------------------------------------------------

P.S. On the other hand if they sent him to Sarah Palin's School for Curing Homosexuality. I might be more merciful.

Because now that I think about it.......six months of wanking and wailing in Wasilla in winter, should be MORE than good enough...

Larry Craig and the Toe-Tapping Pig

When I heard that the toe-tapping Senator Larry Craig had decided NOT to resign.... at first I was disgusted.

I just wished that somebody would give this miserable closet queen bigot a length of rope...so he could hang himself from a hook in a toilet stall.

But then...after thinking it over some more...I changed my mind.

Fuck the hook... it's so much better and more satisfying...to hang him around the neck of the Republican Party.

By the time Larry's finished with them they'll be so desperate to get rid of him...they'll probably offer to blow him....or rim him....or ANYTHING....as long as he goes.

Which I think we can all agree will be a REALLY good show. Especially when they tell him to blow. And he doesn't.

Besides....if you want even MORE evidence that Larry's misfortune is somebody else's good fortune...

Check out this ad, where a group of socially responsible doctors use his example to warn Americans about some other toe tapping pigs...


OMFG. Oink. Oink. Just when you think America can only get more beautiful. It doesn't.

Never mind the burgers and the bacon and all those fat kids.

You don't think Larry PAID for it...

Do ya?

----------------------------------------

UPDATE:

Oops...maybe he did. What a small world....

ADDENDUM:

As a special treat....before I blow this town...one more cultural story from south of the border. Britney Spears doesn't like Chris Crocker.

“She thinks he's creepy and that all his videos are an obvious attempt at fame. She finds it insulting and difficult to watch."

Creepy indeed. She's talking about him...but she might as well be talking about herself.

And as for Chrissy....will his fifteen minutes of fame ever end?

But wait. It gets worse. Roseanne Barr says she wants to be Britney's MOTHER!!!

God bless America.

See y'all soon....

Is Anything Quite as Grubby As a Right-Wing Hypocrite?

Uh oh. It looks like another Republican Family Values Champion has been caught soliciting a hooker in a toilet. A hooker who unfortunately for fatso on the right...seen here at the signing of an ANTI -CRIME bill...turned out to be a COP.

A tearful Florida Rep. Bob Allen said Thursday that he is not guilty of soliciting an undercover male officer for sex and had no intention of resigning his House seat.

Police arrested Allen Wednesday afternoon at a Titusville park bathroom after officials said he offered to perform oral sex on an undercover officer and to pay the officer $20 for the opportunity.

And the details in the charge sheet are even MORE frightening.

Holy rump roast!!!! Can you imagine hearing the door of your toilet stall open and close.... ...and when you turn your head to look...there is Big Bubba Bob all hornied up standing right behind you? That cop deserves a medal.

Although HE shocked me too. What kind of a cracked out hooker is he? Going on a date with a pig like that for only $20 bucks. Doesn't he have any RESPECT for himself?

I guess that's what happens if you hang out in toilets too much....

But seriously what is it with these Republicans? These Family Values Champions. And their hookers?

Aren't they and all the quacking religious fanatics who support them a crazy sicko bunch.?

And here's the kicker...in this latest tale of Republican depravity.

Blow Job Bob was the author of Florida House Bill #1475, the 'Lewd and Lascivious Behavior Act' which would have made public sex even MORE of a crime than it already is!!

It failed to pass. Lucky for Bob.

But honestly is there ANYTHING quite as creepy and grubby as a right-wing hypocrite?

Doesn't the word FAMILY VALUES just make you want to barf?

Or laugh...

Encore. Encore. I want MORE!!!!

Muahahahahaahh!!

Curing Pastor Penis and the Republican Closet Queens

Well let's start with the good news. It looks as if Ted Haggard, aka Pastor Penis, is about to get what he always wanted. Five or six men on their knees laying their hands on him. For about five years. That should make up for lost time. Although his "spiritual restoration" does have some risks. All that....er...."laying on of hands" can be really exhausting. And he can't afford to fail.

"Guys just wear out and they can no longer subject themselves to the process."

....Those who fail "end up selling cars or shoes or something, and being miserable and angry the rest of their lives...."

Yikes! I'm not surprised about the wearing out part. The last time six or seven older men had their way with me I slept like a baby. But who knew car salesman were like that? Remind me about that the next time I buy a car. So I can tell the salesman to forget about the free windshield wipers. And just blow me.

But seriously..... I do wish Pastor Penis all the luck in the world. I'm not the guy to kick someone when they're down. On the other hand if I ever bumped into this guy all bets would be off. I'd wear my steel toed boots.... and use him to polish them...

He's Ken Melhman, the Chairman of the Republican National Committee. And the latest Republican Klown to be outed

Now this closet queen traitor is a nasty piece of business. As head of the monstrous Republican War Machine he's not only responsible for all kinds of homophobic atrocities. He's also the one ultimately responsible for this outrageous and racist ad aimed at Democratic Senate candidate Harold Ford.






But Mehlman's closet queeniness is not exactly a secret to some people in the gay community. In fact they even have their own version of the Harold Ford ad. And this one is for Kenny....






You know it's funny.....but it isn't. All Closet queens are pathetic. And their miserable lives are their own worst punishment. But they do an enormous amount of damage. Instead of providing young gays with positive role models. They infect them with their own self loathing. And the results can be tragic.

But closet queens who actively work against our cause, like Haggard and Mehlman, are even worse. They turn their self loathing against us. They demonize us to fight their own inner demons. They collaborate with our vicious enemies to hurt us. When they are really hurting themselves. You can't be more of a traitor or a poodle than that.

The good news in all of this is that all these right-wing closet queen klowns are shoving a nuclear dildo right up the ass of the Republican Party. The ridiculous gay Log Cabin Republicans are blaming the social conservatives for the midterm debacle.

And the crazy wingnuts are praising the Democrats.

At first I figured I'd put my money on the wingnuts. There seem to be an awful lot of them. But after receiving this latest communique from the Gay Underground I changed my mind. There seem to be an awful lot of gay Republicans as well...






Uh oh...can the confetti...I'm putting my money back on Pastor Penis and his wingnuts. Gay Republican may be an oxymoron. But these traitor fags are just morons.

But it doesn't really matter. As long as one group forces the other out of the Republican Party, that's what really counts.

So all I can say is.....Go for it bitches!!! May the best closet queen lose.....

As for Pastor Penis.... I'm rooting for him...but with all his new friends willing to go down on their knees for him. And for free.

My little gay birdy tells me...

He's going to end up selling cars..