Saturday, April 29, 2006

President Poodle and the Great Sex Challenge

Let's stop trying to fool ourselves and just face the facts. A surrender is a surrender. The bully yankees got their way. The North American Free Trade Agreement is dead. Hail to the Chief. Long live President Harper. Before Great Leader came along the Bush regime may have been acting like economic terrorists. And we were paying a terrible price. But at least we had our Canadian dignity. A few more months of this regime and we won't have even that.

Their Accountability Act is a bad joke. We can't believe anything these Harperites tell us. Now it turns out they were lying to Canadians when they said that the media ban on our dead soldiers wasn't just cheap politics Just as I told you the other day. The childcare program has been exposed as a fraud. My God can't these rank amateurs do anything right?

They can huff and they can blow but nothing can change the fact that we gave up the battle over softwood lumber, even though truth and justice and the exchange rate were on our side. After years of fighting we had managed to take the battle into the American court system. So an American court could tell the U.S. government to respect its own laws.

But with victory looming just beyond the horizon we surrendered. And agreed to pay them a billion dollars for all the aggravation we caused them. So the same bullies that fucked us up the ass can sue us and fuck us again whenever they feel like it. Or give our stolen money away to help rebuild New Orleans. Instead of our own shattered communities. I know the court process would have taken years. But there is such a thing as pride.

So when I saw our fake President standing there practically giddy with joy, declaring it to be a great victory. Or when I read what the Americans had to say about their new northern poodles. I just about barfed. It reminded me of how jolly this guy looked after blowing another bully.

Ok maybe not jolly. But really happy. As if he had something to brag about. As if he had won a great victory. Instead of just selling out. Just like Harper. If Great Leader doesn't stop blowing Chimp Bush after this, I'm going to have to start calling him President Neville.

But enough of this softwood lumber shit. Of all the things you are expected to know about if you're a Canadian that's got to be the absolute mind numbing worst. A patriotic duty so boring it hurts. It's time to write about other things. But what?

There is always this story. But that's too depressing. How can we have a nuclear war when summer hasn't even begun?

Then there's this story. Caramba. That one is kind of interesting. Shows how superior we are to the Americans. We mangle our anthem in both official languages. And nobody ever minds. While they're going bananas. I heard a CNN anchor today refer to the hispanics as an "Alien Nation." And it wasn't even that crazy demagogue Lou Dobbs.

But no. Too ugly. Too American. I think I like this story better.

In fact I want to take the opportunity to congratulate the faculty of McGill University for joining with their students to uphold the reputation of my alma mater,as the party campus of Canada! I'm a proud alumni. James McGill must be wacking off in his grave. And God knows I did my part...

Yes! My legacy lives on. Don't you luv strawberries? Or the one on the left with the big part in her mouth. Hope springs eternal. There are some people in this country who are still having a good time. But good golly my frigid Anglos. Surely we can't let Quebec get away with that?

Let's take advantage of this sunny weekend. Show those damm Quebecers we can screw too. Even in Toronto. From a fancy condo in Hogtown. To a trailer park in Caledonia. To the back of a pickup truck in Alberta. If the tightass Brits can do this. Surely we can do better.

I certainly intend to do my part. In fact, I think the horror of this week may have given me an idea on how to turn defeat into victory. Or pleasure anyway....

Inspired me to come up with yet another original and very tasteful pick up line.

Hey handsome. Get your ass over here. Get down on your knees.

And worship my softwood lumber.

Hey if President Chimp can do that to President Poodle. And get away with it.

And other right wingers have assumed the position.

Why don't they do me as well?

Happy humping everyone!

1 comment:

RossK said...

As well as Neville, I'm also getting a whiff of the Vichy from this thing.