Saturday, April 29, 2006

President Poodle and the Great Sex Challenge

Let's stop trying to fool ourselves and just face the facts. A surrender is a surrender. The bully yankees got their way. The North American Free Trade Agreement is dead. Hail to the Chief. Long live President Harper. Before Great Leader came along the Bush regime may have been acting like economic terrorists. And we were paying a terrible price. But at least we had our Canadian dignity. A few more months of this regime and we won't have even that.

Their Accountability Act is a bad joke. We can't believe anything these Harperites tell us. Now it turns out they were lying to Canadians when they said that the media ban on our dead soldiers wasn't just cheap politics Just as I told you the other day. The childcare program has been exposed as a fraud. My God can't these rank amateurs do anything right?

They can huff and they can blow but nothing can change the fact that we gave up the battle over softwood lumber, even though truth and justice and the exchange rate were on our side. After years of fighting we had managed to take the battle into the American court system. So an American court could tell the U.S. government to respect its own laws.

But with victory looming just beyond the horizon we surrendered. And agreed to pay them a billion dollars for all the aggravation we caused them. So the same bullies that fucked us up the ass can sue us and fuck us again whenever they feel like it. Or give our stolen money away to help rebuild New Orleans. Instead of our own shattered communities. I know the court process would have taken years. But there is such a thing as pride.

So when I saw our fake President standing there practically giddy with joy, declaring it to be a great victory. Or when I read what the Americans had to say about their new northern poodles. I just about barfed. It reminded me of how jolly this guy looked after blowing another bully.

Ok maybe not jolly. But really happy. As if he had something to brag about. As if he had won a great victory. Instead of just selling out. Just like Harper. If Great Leader doesn't stop blowing Chimp Bush after this, I'm going to have to start calling him President Neville.

But enough of this softwood lumber shit. Of all the things you are expected to know about if you're a Canadian that's got to be the absolute mind numbing worst. A patriotic duty so boring it hurts. It's time to write about other things. But what?

There is always this story. But that's too depressing. How can we have a nuclear war when summer hasn't even begun?

Then there's this story. Caramba. That one is kind of interesting. Shows how superior we are to the Americans. We mangle our anthem in both official languages. And nobody ever minds. While they're going bananas. I heard a CNN anchor today refer to the hispanics as an "Alien Nation." And it wasn't even that crazy demagogue Lou Dobbs.

But no. Too ugly. Too American. I think I like this story better.

In fact I want to take the opportunity to congratulate the faculty of McGill University for joining with their students to uphold the reputation of my alma mater,as the party campus of Canada! I'm a proud alumni. James McGill must be wacking off in his grave. And God knows I did my part...

Yes! My legacy lives on. Don't you luv strawberries? Or the one on the left with the big part in her mouth. Hope springs eternal. There are some people in this country who are still having a good time. But good golly my frigid Anglos. Surely we can't let Quebec get away with that?

Let's take advantage of this sunny weekend. Show those damm Quebecers we can screw too. Even in Toronto. From a fancy condo in Hogtown. To a trailer park in Caledonia. To the back of a pickup truck in Alberta. If the tightass Brits can do this. Surely we can do better.

I certainly intend to do my part. In fact, I think the horror of this week may have given me an idea on how to turn defeat into victory. Or pleasure anyway....

Inspired me to come up with yet another original and very tasteful pick up line.

Hey handsome. Get your ass over here. Get down on your knees.

And worship my softwood lumber.

Hey if President Chimp can do that to President Poodle. And get away with it.

And other right wingers have assumed the position.

Why don't they do me as well?

Happy humping everyone!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

President Harper and his Tory pimps

So now we know why President Harper has spent so much time on his knees blowing the Bush administration. So he could present this pathetic surrender document and call it a deal. I call it a steal or worse. When I saw Michael Wilson there today, I couldn't help but think that it takes an old Whory to pimp us out like that.

But can't they even get that right?

When it comes to the world's oldest profession the one that gets screwed usually gets paid. But not in this case. We got fucked. But we have to pay. A billion dollars of our money to some lobbyists in the good old U.S.A. President Harper and his yankee wannabes call that love? I call it date rape, butt rape, or treason.

But what do you expect from a government that is willing to sell out our dead soldiers in the name of cheap politics? They're capable of anything. Selling out our self respect means nothing to them. Anything for a deal. Anything for political gain. Will somebody please tell Harper to get up off his knees and stand up for Canada. If he wants to do that in private fine. But all this public lovey dovey has got to stop. The Bushies obviously interpret all that sucking and blowing and ass kissing as a sign of weakness. Why wouldn't they? Stop or we'll be fucked again.

But don't expect his supporters to deliver that message. They're too scared of Great Leader to do anything like that. All they can do is strap on their muzzles, clap their flippers, and bark. And keep themselves busy baiting natives and gays. And don't forget to read the comments if you want to know what the ReformCons are all about.

I guess it takes a Chimp blower to know one eh? Besides wasn't that the same dress Harper was wearing when he turned up for his first date at the White House?

What are we going to do with these Blogging witches? Since we can't burn them at the stake. And we don't have a roadkill posse in this country like they have in Florida. I guess all we can do is try to give them some dating tips and some good news. To encourage them to get a life.

Although I have a warning for them....

People who act like like racist, homophobic, rabid bitches usually have a hard time getting laid. All that icky foam and gnashing teeth tends to drive even redneck bubbas away. Although this guy sounds like a possible match At least he knows what to call them.

So it's not going to be easy. And it's almost certainly not going to be cheap.

But if we have to pay for getting fucked.

So can they.

Or putting it more bluntly.

If they Fark with us. We'll Fark with them...

Monday, April 24, 2006

Hiding our glorious war dead

This is outrageous. As if it wasn't bad enough that President Harper has placed a cone of silence over his government. Now he's trying to do it with our heroic dead. He uses our soldiers as a backdrop when they're alive to make himself look like a Commander in Chief. But when they're dead they're just a political liability. He won't even be there on the tarmac when they come back.

I didn't know quite what to make of the decision not to lower the flag for our dead soldiers. I wanted to give the Conservatives the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was just tradition. Maybe it was just the practical thing to do. With all the soldiers who are probably going to die in Afghanistan, and the mortality rate of our aging senators.... The poor maple leaf would rarely make it back to the top of the pole.

But now I know it was just cheap politics. Harper is afraid that the sight of all those coffins will undermine support for the war. And since he is posing as Chief Chickenhawk, he is afraid that it will cost him votes in the next election. Barely two months into our new mission in Kandahar, our wobbly tyrant seems to be already worrying that what happened to his hero Chimp Bush will happen to him.

So he's doing exactly what the Chimp did to try to limit the political damage.

I haven't seen the DND communique yet. But I bet it will offer up exactly the same rationale as the Pentagon did. They just want to respect the privacy of the families ...etc etc Although really what the army is afraid of is that it will put a dent in their recruiting drive.

I think that the privacy of the families should be respected. And I think the media who have been covering these arrivals, have been doing exactly that. For example, when the families approach the coffin of their loved ones for the first time, the open doors of the hearse prevent cameras from capturing that very private moment. If needs be other ground rules should be drawn up. But Canadians shouldn't be prevented from joining in what I believe should be a very public moment too.

We don't want our dead heroes brought back in the middle of the night. Like the yanks do at Dover Air Force Base.

We don't want them, or their wounded comrades hidden from view. Like they were something to be ashamed of rather than be proud of. And that doesn't mean that the sight of those coffins is going to make us give up either. What kind of weak cowards does Harper think we are?

If the mission is a good one. If it's carried out well. And if it's consistent with our values not yankee ones, then the sight of those dead heroes will only bolster our determination to see this mission through. If those Canadians can sacrifice their lives, it seems to me that many Canadians might think that's the least they can do.

But what do you expect from a Conservative government that is slavishly following every diktat that White House freak Karl Rove ever made? Don't they know that it didn't work?That Chimp Bush's polls continue to drop. And that Rove just quit.

If Canadians didn't realize how crazy this White House north nonsense, this secret government stuff is becoming. Surely after this they will. Maybe they'll ask the question that practically screams out to be asked: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE?

And if they do, and they don't get the right answer, they might decide not to take any more chances. And refuse Harper a majority.

Today they have the power to do what they want with our dead heroes.

Tomorrow we'll remember...

Plowing the sea in Afghanistan

What a depressing weekend. Grey, cold and wet. And the news couldn't have been more bleak. Four more dead soldiers in Afghanistan. And maybe signs of more trouble to come. If we alienate the civilian population we can forget about winning the war. As some Globe reader wrote this weekend. We might as well plow the sea.

Then there was this latest chapter in Iran's campaign to provoke a U.S. nuclear strike. Coupled with this disturbing report that Chimp Bush may be predisposed to do something crazy like nuke Iran.

Then there was Osama Bin Fruitcake's call to Jihad in Sudan That reminded me that he spent years there staring at the empty tomb of the Mad Mahdi. I love that story. It's got so many what ifs. Just like our mission to Afghanistan.

What if Gordon had left before it was too late? What if the relief column had arrived in time. What if Kitchener hadn't sacked the tomb? What if the Mahdi had been a generous victor? Or had succumbed to food and concubines before he took Khartoum?

But of course none of that happened. Gordon ended up with his head on a pike. The Mahdi won, but had his bones thrown into the Nile, and his skull almost made into an inkwell. Kitchener met his end torpedoed by a World War I German sub. The Mahdi's Tomb was rebuilt even bigger and more splendid than before. And Bin Laden spent five years staring at it. Dreaming of a jihad of his own. Sometimes when you try to do something about a problem, you end up worse than before.

And then to make my weekend even more gloomy there was what happened on an Italian racing car track. When Michel Schumacher not only won the San Marino Grand Prix. But finally broke Ayrton Senna's record for most pole positions. On the track where Senna died.

Ayrton Senna was one of my boyhood heroes. I love Formula One and he was the most exciting driver I ever saw race. I met him several times. I'll never forget the day I watched him die. Formula One was never quite the same for me. After that it was mostly the Michael Show.

Michael Schumacher is a brilliant driver. He deserves his due. But it took him 12 years to beat Senna's record. What if Ayrton hadn't died? Wouldn't he have been the king of the track?

I'll always believe that. Although of course I'll never know. And soon it won't matter. History will simply note Schumacher's record and declare him the best racing car driver who ever lived. All those what ifs will be forgotten. Senna will only be remembered by those who saw him drive. History is cruel like that.

I just hope than in twelve years we can look back on our mission to Afghanistan and still believe that the Canadian losses there were sad but worthwhile. And that we're not still arguing whether things would have been different if we had done this or if we had done that. Long after it was too late to do anything.

Let's hope that history will declare that our brave soldiers died for something.

That some good came of it. That we knew what we were doing.

And we weren't just plowing the sea....

Friday, April 21, 2006

Running from the Red People

When I first saw these guys and gals I got a bit of a shock. I didn't realize they were dummies. I thought they were the dreaded red people. The ones who want us all to wear red on Fridays to show that we support our troops in Afghanistan. Although that does sound like a pretty dum idea.

But it wasn't until I got closer that I realized they really were dummies. Probably just another bunch of no-name candidates for the leadership of the federal Liberal Party. I mean, if Joe Volpe can throw his hat into this multi-ringed circus, anybody can.

Look I don't want you to think that I give a damm about the petty game of politics in Canada. I don't. I'm way above that. My kind of heroes are people like
this ace.

When it comes to politics I like to concentrate on the big picture and the big ideas, and leave the grubby details to others. I hate most politicians and find party politics and all the little fish who swim in it repugnant and boring. Yawn.

Nobody has ever given me a good reason to vote for them. The last time I voted for Jesus. Next time it will probably be Lenin or maybe even this guy. But is it only me, or do the Liberals need some kind of big time reality check? The kind you administer with a nozzle in the ass and a fire hose.

I mean here we are three full months after the election, and they are still running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Still trotting out candidates like dainty debutantes for some Big Red Ball. While Harper continues to campaign and prepares for an early election. And those Liberal idiots risk getting stuck with that dodo Bill Graham at the helm, in the middle of a stormy campaign. If they thought the last election was pretty rough. The next one will be a shipwreck.

And do they really think that they could ever win an election with that pompous capitalist socialist Bob Rae as their leader? With Rae they would lose Ontario. With Iggy they would lose Quebec. With Dion they lose everyone except Andrew Coyne. Does anyone seriously think that Quebecers would vote for a crusading centralist when Harper has promised them more autonomy?

Get real people. It ain't going to happen.

The Liberals are so fucked up that if they had the interests of Canada at heart, they would abstain from the next election. And let the NDP carry the flag for the kind of Canada most Canadians want. The porky Liberals are directly responsible for inflicting this neocon nightmare on the Canadian people.

They should have the decency to acknowledge that and throw their support behind the NDP. To champion the cause of Canada. While the Liberals retire to the barn, and take a good long time to cull the piggies out of their party.

Although I don't want to sound like I myself would vote for the NDP. Not until the day it presents itself as a government in waiting. Instead of some kind of vague feel good third force. But I might think about it. Some party has got to stand up for the kind of Canada we love. President Harper would turn us into a mini Amerika. By acting like his hero Chimp Bush. Or even worse into some crazy Christian place like Poland.

It's a fight we simply can't afford lose.

Because if we do my red t-shirt. The one I'm going to wear to support our troops.
Won't be just snazzy, it will be prophetic too!

Nice isn't it? I promise to wear it all the time.

Just never on a Friday.That would be too American.

Sorry Bubba. Until that next election at least.

This is still Canada.

Thanks. But no thanks...

Thursday, April 20, 2006

President Harper and his little wingnut helpers

I watched Stephen Harper's latest law and order speech in Winnipeg today.At least as much as I could. Which wasn't very much. The picture was turning green. Or fascist blue. If I had watched anymore I would have vomited. What can you say about a guy who wants to jail Canadian kids for smoking dope or having sex? And build more and more prisons to jail more and more prisoners like they do in his beloved USA. And accuses the opposition of being soft on crime. Just like Karl Rove, Chimp Bush, and his other neocon idols are always doing.

Wow. What a freak. This guy just doesn't get it. He still doesn't understand that he was narrowly elected as Prime Minister of Canada. Not as the fake President of the Northern United States.

No other Prime Minister in Canadian history has disgraced the office as much as he has, in such a short time. He promised open and accountable government and has delivered exactly the opposite. The least open and least accountable government Canadians have ever seen. As John Ibbitson wrote in the Globe today.

"Stephen Harper used to say one thing, and now he does the other."

Our phony president is making a mockery out of Parliament and our Canadian traditions. He is turning it into some kind of bizarre White House North. Acting like a tyrant. Muzzling everyone. Turning his own caucus into a bunch of cowed and clapping seals. His ministers don't know whether they are coming or going. Poor Peter Mackay. First he's dumped by Belinda. Then he throws himself at Condoleeza Rice. Only to have Harper make him his bitch. Make him look like a fool again. If Potato Patch Pete wasn't such a dumbo. he'd do the right thing and quit.

Don't these crazy yankee wannabes know we don't go down on Americans? Ever. Our society is way better than that crumbling nightmare down south. We've got fuckall to learn from them. We're proud Canadians. We love our beautiful country, and its values. We won't give it up without a fight.

I say if Harper wants to play chicken with his government, and risk an election over his fraudulent so-called childcare program, go ahead. Bring it on. A lot of things can happen during an election. These pathetic Canadian Republicans might get a big surprise. They might end up making Joe Clark's term in office seem like an eternity. They just might end up getting laughed out of office. Reduced to a mere blip in Canadian history. A nasty little bubble that just went pop.

Take the situation in Quebec for example. Where Conservative fortunes are already heading south. Quebecers may have been fooled once but they won't be fooled again. He promised them the world, but he can't deliver. He couldn't even save the Quebec Zoo.

All those poor animals suffering because of another broken Conservative promise. What a monster. Shame on him.

But it gets even better! I've heard that some Bloc people have been collecting a list of what some of those ReformCons have said about French Quebecers in the past. It's disgusting stuff. When that shit hits the fan, any support they had in Quebec will simply collapse. Oooh...I'm really going to enjoy that. Those dirty racist bigots, don't they know that Quebecers, like most other Canadians, are proud of who they are?

Then there's that centrepiece of Harper's plan to destroy the Canada we know and love. That disgusting piece of legislation known as the childcare program. The one that would hurt Canadian children and working women, just so our fake President can try to bribe Canadians into giving him a majority.

But now we know what that plan is really about. Just look who the Globe discovered Harper is counting upon for support.

"Conservative government officials have reached out to a coalition of social conservative groups in an effort to sway public opinion in the coming battle over the Tory daycare deal..."

These religious wingnuts who held that secret meeting don't really care about children. All they want to do is destroy daycare in Canada, and keep women at home. As well as whipping up hatred against gays and lesbians to try to put them in their place as well.

If you don't believe me just look at who attended that meeting. Or at the record of the woman the Tories called upon to organize that covert little get together. The hideous hatemonger Anne Cools. One of the foulest excuses for a Senator our country has ever seen.

Or how about the homophobic hag Gwendolyn Landolt?

The President of that wacko organization REAL Women of Canada. Ugh. Is that scary? Or just ugly? Or both?

Or the Canada Family Action Coalition. All you have to do is read this to know where these sickos are coming from. Or the Institute for Canadian Values. Yikes. Bush baby David Frum writes for it. Doesn't that Institute's name make you want to barf?

They may call themselves Canadians. But they are only pathetic lackeys of the American religious wingnut right. Our Canadian values include tolerance. Their American values begin and end with hate.

But you know what? That's the best news we've had for a very long time. I love it! Now we can frame the debate over childcare the way it should be framed. I mean I respect and admire those who have taken the time to closely examine the ConservaCon so-called childcare program. And expose it as the sham it is.

But I like to keep things really simple. For one thing I'm lazy. For the other they don't call me Simple Simon for nothing....

I like to keep it really focused. So it works on tv. So even the dummest of Canadians understand what it's all about.

So in addition to all these other good points like it's peanuts, it doesn't work, and no daycare spaces will ever be built that way..... I'd also like to see it framed as President Harper and the religious wingnuts against Canadian women and children. Crazy American values versus our beautiful Canadian ones.

That's why I'm not afraid of an election. And I'm glad to see others aren't either.

Go ahead Mr President.

Bring it on. Flap your feathers. Baby Bush.

Let's play chicken.

If you dare...

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Passing the conch shell on Afghanistan

I've always loved the Lord of The Flies. I think I can honestly say that I learned more about right and wrong from that small book than I ever did from reading the Bible. I know they're essentially the same story. But Lord of the Flies taught me some things the Bible never could. Like why it's important to take on the mob, and speak the truth. Even if they kill you.

I mention this because something about our parliamentary debate on Afghanistan reminded of that story. The part when they used to pass around a Conch shell. And you could only speak if you had it. Before the part when they smash the shell, paint their faces, and start hunting each other.

Our little talking point debate was that civilized. Nobody spoke out of turn. Everyone was very solemn. Very conscious of holding the shell, while our soldiers risk their lives in Afghanistan. I must admit I felt proud to be a Canadian. Showing the world that we can do our quiet Canadian democratic thing. And still kick Taliban butt!

Although I was disgusted that President Harper wasn't there, and still can't understand why his government was so opposed to a debate. And why so many Conservative bloggers had their knickers in a knot over the blatherings of some Taliban flak. I tiptoed through the blue minefield of the Blogging Tories to pick you some examples.

I mean really my quivering Cons, let's pull ourselves together. Just because some Taliban flak on a satellite phone says democracy is a sign of weakness, doesn't mean we should cut and run. What does he know anyway? All they teach them in the Taliban schools is how to read the Koran and nod. No wonder he's such a dummy. And doesn't understand that democracy is strength. But what's the ReformCon excuse?

But I'm willing to forgive them. That's what passing a Conch shell is all about.
Sometimes when you put your ear to it you can hear the ocean. And other times you hear shit. Or ABBA. No what really burns me is something else. Like why didn't that reporter keep that Taliban flak on his satellite phone a little longer?

I mean predator drones with Hellfire missiles are really neat.

But they are also really slow...

On the other hand, just because I support the war in Afghanistan right now, doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to change my mind later on. Or that I don't want a real debate on our mission when this rotation is up. Like the NDP does.Or that I don't respect the views of other Canadians who might not agree with me. I'll always support our soldiers. That's unconditional, the other stuff isn't. That's democracy, the Canadian way. As long as we do things our way, and aren't marching to somebody else's drumbeat, and drowning out any voices of protest, we'll be alright. Or am I just young and naive?

I mean that's the lesson of the Lord of the Flies isn't it? The story of that other Simon who knew the monster wasn't really a monster. Just a dead pilot hanging from a tree. And that maybe the real monster was us. But instead of listening to what he had to say, they killed him. And proved him right.

Or put more simply...

In a time of peril, when you don't listen to what everyone has to say.

Sometimes bad things happen...

Monday, April 10, 2006

Bush, Iran and the Big One

I see that Seymour Hersh has written about the how the Bush administration is apparently considering the nuclear option to take out Iran's Natanz Uranium enrichment complex.

I'm sure it shocked a lot of people. But from a strictly military point of view it's not at all surprising.The Iranians continue to reinforce not only the Natanz complex, but also their whole command and control structure. The window of opportunity is closing. The surprising thing is that the U.S. doesn't really have the right weapon to do the job.

There has been a lot of talk about the B61-11 bunker busting nuclear bomb.

It was supposed to penetrate so deeply into a target only a small nuclear explosion would be necessary to take it out. And so-called collateral damage would be limited. Unlike the Pentagon's previous Soviet-era bunker buster the B53 nuclear bomb that had enough explosive power to take out a city. And was so dangerous to handle it's a miracle one didn't go off accidentally. And take out one of ours.

The problem is the B61-11 hasn't worked out that well. It hasn't ever been tested for real because of arms control restrictions. And in drop tests it hasn't been able to penetrate deep enough to guarantee success with a low kiloton yield. So if the Americans do use the nuclear option they would have to depend on the higher yield B83.

Which relies more on brute explosive power to collapse bunkers, and makes a hell of a mess. And a real big mushroom cloud.

If you want to know about the complicated and controversial history of American nuclear bunker busters, you can read a pretty good summary here.

The Pentagon is also scrambling to come up with better bomb that could penetrate so deeply it wouldn't need a nuclear warhead. If you're in Las Vegas in June and the ground shakes a bit, at least you'll know why.

But that bomb won't be ready for at least another year. And in the meantime the window of opportunity continues to close.

From a strictly military point of view it's a difficult decision. Do you hit the Iranian nuclear centres now with a massive conventional assault, or use smaller nuclear bombs that may not completely do the job? But would cause less collateral damage and be slightly easier to sell as a "surgical strike."

Or do you wait and have to use bigger nuclear bombs that would cause global radiation fears, or use new hastily rushed into production conventional ones like BIG Blu?

And how long can you wait before the Iranians have enough uranium to make a nuclear bomb or fifty dirty ones?

Or have burrowed so deeply underground that if they open a trap door they could emerge in Winnipeg, or under Lake Ontario. Where they could sink our pleasure boats with their miracle missiles.

It's almost writing itself like a script. The Iranians talk big, just like Saddam Hussein did with his nonexistent WMDs. The Chimp replies by talking about the Big One. It's crazy mullahs against the crazy christian, who according to Hersh, now thinks he's a Messiah. Forget about that bummer war in Iraq. That's Cheney's fault, not mine. My God given mission in life now is saving Israel and Freeing Iran!

Wow! I tell you something I'm not going to miss this one. And its equally spectacular aftermath.

God knows what's going to happen. Will it be a surgical strike? The start of the Real War on Terror? Or could it even be the beginning of World War Three?

One thing we can be sure of....

It's going to be really messy.
And it's probably going to end with a bang.

A Big One.

Welcome to the new nuclear age...

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Bigots, bullies, and dead kids

It was another beautiful spring day that looked like summer and felt like fall. I went out for a walk to try to lighten up. But something kept bothering me. Bouncing around in my head. Then as I stood there watching the kid skateboarders I remembered what it was. Something this religious wingnut said.

"It's about Children, Stupid!" Yeah that's it. You better believe it my bigot bishop. You're so right and yet so bloody wrong.

Of all the evil things straight people do to gay people in the name of sick religion, nothing makes my blood boil more than the pitiless violence inflicted on gay and lesbian kids. If you want to know why I am fighting so hard to make sure that gays and lesbians aren't treated as second class citizens anymore. It's mainly because of what happens to the kids when religious hatemongers run amok.

The depressing facts speak for themselves. Canada has one of the highest
youth suicide rates in the world. About 30 per cent of the kids who kill themselves are gay or lesbian. Gay males and bisexual youth in Alberta are 14 times more at risk for a serious suicide attempt than heterosexual male youth. They're bullied in swanky schools and on native reserves. The situation is bad everywhere.

But if you really want to know how bad it is you have to hear it from the kids themselves. From those who survived those years in hell, and those who didn't. Like Hamed Nostoh, 14, who said he wasn't gay, but was bullied to death anyway. Here are some excerpts from the note he wrote before he jumped off a bridge in Vancouver.

Dear Mom and Dad

The first thing is, I love you Mom and Dad. There was so much going on, and I tried to cope with it, but I couldn't take it anymore.... It was horrible. Every day, I was teased and teased, everyone calling me gay,fag,queer, and I would always act like it didn't bug me...But I was crying inside me...

"I know that you are going to miss me, and that you will never forgive me, but you will never understand.You weren't living my life. I hate myself for doing this to you. I really hate myself. But there is no other way out for me..."

"Mom after my death, please, please go to schools and talk to kids that bullying and teasing has big consequences. Please visit my grave often so I am not lonely..."

Robbie Kirkland was also 14. He was gay. He suffered the same fate. Here's what his mother had to say about his death.

When a society condones this kind of behaviour, or doesn't do enough to stop it. When religious fanatics are allowed to to meddle in politics and whip up a hatred against an oppressed group. It all sends out a powerful message. Gays and lesbians are second class citizens. They are not like us. Not really human. It's ok to bully them and bash them as much as you like.

This SSM "debate" in Canada isn't just about the right to affirm our love and get married, if we so choose. It's about equality,respect and the right to live in peace and dignity -- and not be assaulted or murdered. Or have gay and lesbian kids bullied to death. While most of the people in this country look the other way. Don't even rein in their own kids, and teach them that insulting and bullying gay children is bad. Just call it death by denial.

What good is it fighting for human rights in Afghanistan, if we can't even protect our kids at home? That's what this battle is all about. That's what it is for me anyway. So kids like Robbie Kirkland don't have to look forward to a daily beating, suffer in silence, or die, or feel so alone. Here's part of what he wrote in a poem he called :"I'm Dying and Nobody Cares."

"I try to stand and walk
I fall to the hard, cold ground
The others look and laugh at my plight
Blood pours from my nose
I am not a pretty sight
I try to stand again, but fall.
To the others I call
But they don't care..."

Then there's the suicide note Bruce wrote.

I think this is one of the saddest ones of all. He died hating himself like so many poor kids. Apologizing for who he was. Because they filled his mind with bullshit religion. Told him his love was dirty. And that it was all his fault. That God hated him. And he was going to hell. As if he hadn't been there already.Thanks to them. And the poison they call religion. But I call a curse.

Fortunately there are more anti-bullying programs now than there were a few years ago. No thanks to the religious right that is always fighting them in the name of so-called religious freedom.

Or the freedom to hate. Doesn't that make you want to vomit?

But despite this wave of intolerance more and more gay and lesbian kids are learning to be proud of who they are younger than ever before. Standing up bravely for their rights. Even in some of the worst places to grow up gay.Or so you would think. You gotta love that kid. That's the kind of attitude I admire.

So we are making progress, it's just too slow and not enough. And I'm afraid this totally unnecessary so-called "free" vote on gay marriage is not going to help things. That it will stir up another divisive debate in Canada, that gay and lesbian kids will end up paying for with their blood.

But that should only motivate us to fight harder. To fight these crazy religious fanatics like we've never fought before. Not just for trying to steal our human rights. But for making gay kids suffer. And bullying them to death.

I know I will. For Robbie, and Hamed, and Bruce and all those thousands and thousands of other young victims of bullying and bigotry who cry out for justice from their lonely graves.

That's why we're fighting.

That's why we can't lose.

That's why every decent Canadian should be fighting with us.Saving the kids.

Who could be their own...

Friday, April 07, 2006

Jesus and Judas and the chimp in us all

Uh Oh .Bad day for religious wingnuts of the Christian variety. Or at least a confusing day. It turns out Jesus and Judas were good friends after all. And not just good friends, bosom buddies.

Wow! How touching. Judas loved Jesus so much that he helped him to commit suicide and then he killed himself. How could they have called him a traitor? Hey I'm no expert on religious mumbo jumbo. But that's not Satan's Work. That's CRAZY love! Or love gone mad.

But what does it say about that kiss? The most famous kiss in history. If once it was treason, what is it now?

Don't tell me I don't want to know. It's far too late for that. If we had known long ago, legions of Christian anti-semites might not have been able to use it to justify genocide. Millions of Jewish lives might have been saved. Christianity might have been a religion of love instead of one poisoned by hate.

Love instead of hate. Wow that's a concept. I bet that blows some religious wingnut minds. I can't wait to see how they figure that one out. I can only hope they follow the example of Jesus and Judas. Kissy face like crazy and then commit mass suicide. Praise the Lord and pass the koolaid!

Although that early departure would relieve them of their hideous suffering in this sinful world. Of all that pain in their tortured minds. And I wouldn't want that. Would I?

Not when the Jesus and Judas love story wasn't the only bad tiding those Christian fanatics had to bear like a cross today. Especially those who believe that man and dinosaurs roamed the planet together.That God assembled the world like a leggo set. And that it's only 6,000 years old. Will someone please call Stockwell Day and give him the bad news.

Turns out they found a missing link in our own backyard. One more devastating bit of proof, that Darwin was right, and Creationism is a fraud. Whoopee! Don't you love that fish with arms. Come on ugly bite those bums!

But there's more. That fossil delight wasn't the only crushing news those crazy Creationists had to endure today. Late this afternoon came the most devastating blow of all. Now not only do they have to accept that humans evolved from monkeys. Now they have to deal with the fact that sometimes evolution can go backwards as well. Crazy chimps can become leaky rats.

Holy Monkey God what have I done to deserve all of this. My banana split runneth over. I hope I can remember what I did, so I can do it again. What a wonderful stirring show. Two torpedoes in the side of the mouthbreathing literalists of the religious right. And one up the rear end of the neocon revolution. Come on Chimp take it like a man!

If the hammer keeps on coming down on Chimp's neocons like this, imagine how many torpedoes we'll be able to save for these guys.

As for me I've got a new weapon of my own to use against Harper's crazy Christian followers who want to grope my human rights.

I'm going to follow them around the country with a big blowup of the kiss that shook the world. Or like it...

I'll tell them that Jesus and Judas were obviously gay. That the kiss was more like a smooch than a peck. And that the only reason they committed suicide together was because they couldn't get married.

Although between you and me I think they were already hitched. Only a spouse could tell a spouse to do something that crazy. And have the other one actually do it. Kill him with a kiss.

But that could muddy the message. And you know how I hate that. So I'll just tell them that if they keep up their satanic persecution of gays and lesbians all kinds of bad juju will happen to them. When the Day of Reckoning arrives, anytime now, they won't be sipping gay blood in heaven. They'll be roasting on a spit in hell. For denying this inspiring albeit slightly twisted example of selfless gay and Christian love. Shame on them! Blasphemy! Who you are going to believe these days...... Jesus and Judy or Satan's Bride?

Hmmm....that should do it. Don't you think? At the very least stir them up into a foaming frenzy of homo hate. So other Canadians can see them as we know them. Before it's too late.

And if these wingnuts don't believe me? No problem. I've got a copy of this papyrus in God's own handwriting -- or at least in the scrawl of some holy, hairy, desert dwelling, tribesman who lived with his wives and slaves and donkeys and many sheep very long ago. Can you imagine what this would go for on e-bay?

BTW in case you wondered, I've already patented the name of my new book "The Judas Code."

But what if these religious wingnuts don't like what I have to say? Can't take the truth. What if they try to crucify me as well as stealing my rights? Or burn me at the stake for heresy. Like their blood soaked inquisitors did with so many others.

Well in that case they can do Judas one better.

Get down on their knees and repent.

And then kiss my holy gay ass...

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Harper and the Homophobes --Part Two

I wondered where they were hiding. They had been so quiet for so long. I knew Harper had muzzled them. But I also knew that you can't keep a good bigot down. So I wasn't surprised when I awoke this morning and heard their hyena sounds. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. The homophobes are back!

I guess President Harper's religious wingnut base wasn't happy about his teeny weeny Throne Speech. Oh I'm sure they liked his plan to kill childcare in Canada, and keep women at home. But where was the part about wacking the fags?

(Sigh) Won't these wingnuts ever give up? And learn how to live and let live. We just have one life like they do. But despite the fact that polls show that a large majority of Canadians just want to move on, these hatemongers just want to keep on fighting.

And that means we have to keep on fighting as well. We'd rather not, but we have no choice. We're the ones who are being attacked. We're fighting these crazy bigots for our human rights. And believe me, we won't ever give up. Until we are equal, no more no less. And they get the fuck out of our lives.

But thankfully there are many decent Canadians out there who who will help us. By arguing the case more eloquently than I can -- and urging action.
Or just standing up bravely for what is right. We're going to need friends like that. Although, of course, if we have to, we'll deal with these tiresome bigots ourselves.

But that wasn't the only thing the rabid right didn't like about Harper's niftyThrone Speech ad. They were apparently foaming at the mouth because our President forgot to talk about his plans to scrap the gun registry. The one these armed rubes consider a Communist Plot -- along with chlorinated tap water.

Hey I love guns too! But registering them protects the lives of police officers. And sends a message about the country we are. We're the True North strong and free. Not a U.S. Mini-Me. Even the Americans know that.

But of course what we're looking at here is a rural urban split. Which explains why Harper had nothing in his so-called Throne Speech for Toronto. Just a few vague promises. But no funding for transportation or infrastructure.

You don't have to look very far in Toronto to see how the city's highways and roads are crumbling even as the number of cars and trucks using them continues to increase. And every year the air gets more foul. It isn't really Spring yet and already we've got smog.

But President Harper doesn't care about that. He wants to punish Torontonians for not voting for him and his Cons. The only city Harper cares about in Canada, is the rube mecca of Calgary. When the Globe's John Barber wrote a column about Toronto today, here's what one of his readers in Calgary had to say:

"As Maclean's magazine recently blasted from its cover: Move over Toronto, Calgary is the new centre of the universe. Toronto really doesn't matter anymore."

Oh really? I hate to disabuse this Cowtown fella. But he really shouldn't get his news from that increasingly trashy right-wing rag. And besides enough is enough. Our Eastern patience has its limits. Time to make one thing really clear. Even in its currently dilapidated state -- courtesy of Mike Harris and his neocon gang -- Toronto will always be more of a great city than Calgary. I must admit I haven't visited Cowtown in years. It's something I fly over on my way to a real city like Vancouver, Toronto and Montreal, and sometimes even Edmonton. But there's one thing I know for sure. New money can buy a lot of things. But it can't buy civilization or class.

Cowtown the centre of the universe? Must be all that hydrogen sulphide in the air.
Please..... Don't make me laugh.

Yup. The sad truth is that Calgary is too narrow and bigoted, to EVER be a great city. Yee hah cowboys. If you don't believe me read this.

Doomed to failure. I like the sound of that don't you? Holy chuckwagon. I'll flip a pancake to that.

Yes doomed to fail just like those anti-gay hatemongers that infest Calgary and the boorish nouveau riche province of Alberta are doomed to defeat. Long before the desert sands arrive... They'll have shot themselves in the foot. Killed off any chance of greatness Cowtown ever had. We miserable shithead fag loving Easterners will still be living in the centre of the universe. When they're riding camels over those barren dunes.

Those poor wingnuts don't understand that now. They can't connect the dots.

But with a little education and a lot of bruising punishment.

I'm sure they'll learn.

The hard way.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Throne Speech and other Ads

I hope you all got a chance to catch Stephen Harper's Throne Speech today. If I was him, god forbid, I'd be feeling pretty good about it tonight. Bouncing around like the clown in that picture. It all came together so well. It was short, it was simple, the gorgeous Michaelle Jean read it instead of that stuffy Adrienne Clarkson. And when it was over even Jack Layton was singing his praises. Lordy I thought. How brilliant. Why hasn't anybody ever done this before?

It was just another photo-op in Harper's campaign for a majority government. One with a cast of thousands including wounded soldiers from Afghanistan, and a Chinese-Canadian old enough to have paid a head tax. But as much as I hate to say it, I couldn't have choreographed it better myself.

Ever since the beginning of the last election campaign the Conservatives have understood that if you want to communicate on television, you have to keep it short, focused and simple. The Liberals drowned their message by flooding people with too much information and too many promises. The NDP muddied their message by failing to focus on the big picture. And of course by failing to present themselves as a party ready to govern. In television it isn't just what you say, but how you say it that counts.

If you want to counter this simple message you have to reply with a simple message of your own. One that plays into a larger message. One as simple as black and white.

Take the child care issue for example... You start with a crying single mother with a sad looking child. " Mary was hoping little Alice would have a chance at a better life." (cut to picture of beautiful new daycare facility full of happy smiling kids) "She was hoping the new Canadian Childcare plan would give her that chance. But Stephen Harper scrapped it and gave the money away. Now she must choose between this kind of care" (cut to scene of filthy daycare, with sad kids tied to chairs, and concentration camp guards) "Or staying at home." (cut to last poignant scene of mother and child --except now the child's crying) "Don't let the Conservatives hurt our children. Stop them before it's too late."

Or over shot of idyllic Toronto scene with clean dignified poor man going into a beautiful city housing home. "Once upon a time governments used to build homes for homeless people. But then Mike Harris turned it over to the private sector so now we have none"(shot of park teeming with scruffy and dangerous homeless people leering at mothers with little children) "Now Stephen Harper wants to do the same with the Canadian childcare program" (over pictures of beautiful daycare centre) "So soon we'll have this." (pictures of concentration camp daycare centre) "Save our Canadian childcare program. Don't let Harper hurt our kids."

Or the marijuana issue... Over pictures of a young teenage boy being led into jail down a corridor with leering inmates rubbing their crotches and blowing kisses "Stephen Harper wants to send Canadian kids to jail for smoking a joint. When we could save our kids and still hit the criminals hard." (shot of lecherous goon being clubbed by guards) "Don't let Harper hurt our kids" (over picture of boy sobbing in his cell while monstrous tattooed inmates line up outside) " We're Canadians, not Americans. We don't do that."

Or the gun registry issue... Start with indignant police officer with wife and young baby. "Stephen Harper wants me to risk my life just to make gun collectors happy." (cut to picture of dangerous looking redneck, with a confederate flag t-shirt, and a gun collection big enough to stop a German panzer division. And these guys playing in the background.) "And give criminals a place to steal guns from and kill" (camera pans away from the redneck to show a group of dangerous looking black gang members casing the joint) "Don't let Harper kill our police officers, and threaten our families. Tell him gun control is the Canadian way.Stop him before it's too late."

I could go on but I'm sure you get the picture.... And can come up with something better. As long as you remember that the medium is the message. And the simpler and more focused that message the better. Now I know the Conservatives get it. And so does the City of Montreal.

Compare that ad with the one Toronto puts out to sell itself as an intimate metropolis.

Hmm..... see what I mean...

Montreal's message is simple and clear. Come to the city and have a dirty old time. Toronto's message on the other hand seems to be come to the city and have calamari shermoula or stand on a corner and listen to a saxophonist. Or if you are really desperate go watch these elves. All four excruciating hours of them.

Now really people... I admit I'm biased, but which city would you rather visit? Oh French me mon amour, I'm dying for love!

Yes folks let's face it. Right now, just like Montreal, the Conservatives are winning the television campaign hands down. If the other parties don't understand that, and do something about it, they might as well give up.

And just wait for a Harper majority.

As for the rest of us poor fuckers, especially those in Toronto.

We might as well grab some calamari shermoula, whatever that is...

Stand on a street corner and wait for that saxophonist to show up.

Or just go grope an elf....

Monday, April 03, 2006

Bombs and Donuts and the War with Iran

It was quite the scene in downtown Toronto this afternoon. Police cars and convoys of fire engines and bomb disposal units were rushing everywhere sirens wailing. Police were cordoning off streets. There were radio reports that a man with explosives strapped to his body had taken out a Tim Hortons. And rumours that another bomb had gone off just a block away, and others were about to explode. The whole thing blew my mind. Holy Boston Cream pie I thought. Had our 911 finally arrived? And what sinister message were the suicide bombers trying to send? By hitting Timmys instead of trains.

Could it really be blowback for coming to the aid of our troops in Afghanistan? And if so should we surrender, now or later? I mean, if you're not safe in a Tim Hortons you're not safe anywhere.

In the end it turned out to be considerably less dramatic.
Which is probably just as well. That way President Harper can't do what American Presidents like to do and put up a plaque with something like this written on it:

This plaque marks the spot of the first terrorist attack on Canadian soil. It did not shake the resolve of the Canadian people. Only made them more determined in future to hold it until they got home. And to make those responsible for their agony pay for it by feeling the full force of our glorious War on Terror.

Right above the little sign that says:

"Please Flush"

No I wouldn't worry about the War on Tim Hortons. If the terrorists try to start any nonsense, we'll force them to drink the coffee. Two double doubles and they'll be begging for mercy. No, if you want to worry about something worry about the War with Iran.

The British have denied it.
But what would you expect them to do? It may be just a way to put pressure on Iran. Or put the brakes on the Pentagon plan to take out places like the Natanz uranium enrichment plant, --- if they can.

But considering that most experts believe that the Iranians are years away from producing a nuclear weapon, the Americans do seem to be in a bit of a hurry.

The Iranians aren't helping things by bragging about their new toys. Not with so many supertankers and U.S. warships and carriers bobbing around in the Gulf.

But as I've said before I still think it has something to with the Iranian Bourse now set to open in June.

It wouldn't hurt the Republican Party either...

As for me you know how I feel about those gay murdering Mullahs. The more of them that glow in the dark, the happier I would feel. Anyone who tortures or kills gays for who they are deserves to die. You can't kill enough of them as far as I'm concerned.

On the other hand just about everyone agrees that attacking Iran would trigger a wave of terrorism. Remember these are the people who used old men, women, and boys to run through mine fields and clear a path for their troops during the Iran-Iraq War.

And some even think the Iranians would turn their attention to making dirty bombs. If one of those had gone off in downtown Toronto today I wouldn't be laughing about it tonight.I'd be getting the hell out of the downtown area along with just about everyone else.

But I'm not going to let things like that worry me. I've got enough things on my mind. Like what's going to happen next Wednesday night?

When at a certain moment times and dates will line up like this:

01:02:03 04/05/06

My dad says it will never happen again.

I have no idea what it means. But these days you can't take any chances.

So I won't be going anywhere. I'll be staying at home with the dog, munching on a box of Boston Cream pies.

I mean after what nearly happened today.

I feel like I almost have to.

Take that you filthy terrorists!


Sunday, April 02, 2006

Canada and the fate of the Quebec City Zoo

I haven't felt like blogging for days. I just haven't had the energy. Maybe it's the weather in Toronto, where Spring feels like fall. Maybe I'm just worn out from doing what you are supposed to do in Spring. Maybe it's just the state of the planet. There's a limit to the amount of bad news even I can bear. Oh no. Hang me kangaroo down sport. Don't tell me we're losing in Australia as well.

Then there was that morale sapping moment of national degradation in Cancun. When Harper kissed the Chimp's ass until it glowed red like the one on a baboon. And after warming him up, all but went down on him in his eagerness to please. Only to wake up the next morning, and discover that Bush's promise to treat him special was worth nothing at all. All Harper got out of his honeymoon in Cancun was a few condescending words about his "steely resolve." It may have been more than enough for our President. But it was way too much for me. It just made me want to vomit.

Then there was the frightening story of this Conservative wingnut, who managed to slip his muzzle, and go on a crazy rampage. Until he was felled by a tranquilizer dart from the PMO and locked up in his cone of silence again.

Mad Dog Mayes wants to handcuff reporters and put them in jail. Imagine what he might do to bloggers. Force us to stick to the facts? Oh no. How dull. Or put us in stocks and rip out our nails? Ouch. How painful. Can you imagine bloggers without nails? If that fop Russell Smith has it right... And we're all so silly and angry. Along with all the other rabid bloggers out there, I'll have to learn how to type with my teeth.

But of course it could get even worse. Can you imagine what could happen if these ReformCons ever get a majority? And all the muzzles came off at the same time. Snarl. Snap. Chomp. Any Canadians who haven't figured out by now what kind of a Red Riding Hood granny Harper really is, deserve to be devoured. I know that's harsh. But it's the law of the jungle.They're too stupid to be saved. We're better off concentrating on how to save Canada!

Although right now I have to admit, like millions of other Quebecers I'm more concerned about who is going to save the animals at the Quebec City zoo?

It's a sorry little story, of empty promises, political posturing, bad management, and appalling lack of imagination. A little like Canada these days.

I feel sorry for the animals. The old polar bear who is too old to move. The animals who nobody wants. The animals their trainers claim get a kick out of performing for visitors. Now all they're all alone in that silent and darkened zoo.

But it's not just the animals I'm worried about. That little zoo is a giant political opportunity waiting to be had. Bernard Landry once turned down $18 million dollars from the feds, because he didn't want the zoo to fly the Canadian flag.Or the red rag as he called it then. If Harper suddenly finds some money to save that zoo, he could win enough seats in Quebec to give him a majority. Laugh if you like. But I know television. Can you imagine what that photo-op would be like? Harper in that Indiana Jones vest, that old polar bear, all those pink flamingos, performing monkeys, and lonely lemurs.

Not to mention all those grateful photogenic little kids. It's the kind of photo-op that could turn Sandra "Coca Cola" Buckler into Harper's Leni Riefenstahl.

Can't you see it now? Harper, not only the new friend of Quebecers, but the saviour of their animals too. That last one could win him a few seats in English Canada as well. Help soften his image. Make it look as if he really cares about people, even if he does have those scary eyes. That he's not just a control freak acting like a President. A bubble boy posing as a tyrant. Waiting for the chance to launch his Harper Revolution. And change Canada as we know it forever.

I realize there are a few other issues that might derail Harper's drive to a torch light victory parade and a New Order. But wouldn't it be ironic if the fate of Canada was tied to, or influenced at least, by the fate of a small Quebec zoo full of animals nobody wanted?

Or would it be? Maybe it would just be fitting. Just what we deserve for allowing a rigid ideologue with authoritarian tendencies from getting anywhere near a majority.

In the meantime, if anyone out there has millions of dollars please buy the zoo before Harper does.

If not I'll be forced to buy the polar bear to protect myself from those tory seals trying to drag me off to prison again. Or worse.

Cmon Big Boy. Go get em. Bite them in the ass!

As for Russell Smith. Yawn. What a bore.

He can just bite me.

Or something like that....