Friday, April 07, 2006
Jesus and Judas and the chimp in us all
Uh Oh .Bad day for religious wingnuts of the Christian variety. Or at least a confusing day. It turns out Jesus and Judas were good friends after all. And not just good friends, bosom buddies.
Wow! How touching. Judas loved Jesus so much that he helped him to commit suicide and then he killed himself. How could they have called him a traitor? Hey I'm no expert on religious mumbo jumbo. But that's not Satan's Work. That's CRAZY love! Or love gone mad.
But what does it say about that kiss? The most famous kiss in history. If once it was treason, what is it now?
Don't tell me I don't want to know. It's far too late for that. If we had known long ago, legions of Christian anti-semites might not have been able to use it to justify genocide. Millions of Jewish lives might have been saved. Christianity might have been a religion of love instead of one poisoned by hate.
Love instead of hate. Wow that's a concept. I bet that blows some religious wingnut minds. I can't wait to see how they figure that one out. I can only hope they follow the example of Jesus and Judas. Kissy face like crazy and then commit mass suicide. Praise the Lord and pass the koolaid!
Although that early departure would relieve them of their hideous suffering in this sinful world. Of all that pain in their tortured minds. And I wouldn't want that. Would I?
Not when the Jesus and Judas love story wasn't the only bad tiding those Christian fanatics had to bear like a cross today. Especially those who believe that man and dinosaurs roamed the planet together.That God assembled the world like a leggo set. And that it's only 6,000 years old. Will someone please call Stockwell Day and give him the bad news.
Turns out they found a missing link in our own backyard. One more devastating bit of proof, that Darwin was right, and Creationism is a fraud. Whoopee! Don't you love that fish with arms. Come on ugly bite those bums!
But there's more. That fossil delight wasn't the only crushing news those crazy Creationists had to endure today. Late this afternoon came the most devastating blow of all. Now not only do they have to accept that humans evolved from monkeys. Now they have to deal with the fact that sometimes evolution can go backwards as well. Crazy chimps can become leaky rats.
Holy Monkey God what have I done to deserve all of this. My banana split runneth over. I hope I can remember what I did, so I can do it again. What a wonderful stirring show. Two torpedoes in the side of the mouthbreathing literalists of the religious right. And one up the rear end of the neocon revolution. Come on Chimp take it like a man!
If the hammer keeps on coming down on Chimp's neocons like this, imagine how many torpedoes we'll be able to save for these guys.
As for me I've got a new weapon of my own to use against Harper's crazy Christian followers who want to grope my human rights.
I'm going to follow them around the country with a big blowup of the kiss that shook the world. Or .....er......something like it...
I'll tell them that Jesus and Judas were obviously gay. That the kiss was more like a smooch than a peck. And that the only reason they committed suicide together was because they couldn't get married.
Although between you and me I think they were already hitched. Only a spouse could tell a spouse to do something that crazy. And have the other one actually do it. Kill him with a kiss.
But that could muddy the message. And you know how I hate that. So I'll just tell them that if they keep up their satanic persecution of gays and lesbians all kinds of bad juju will happen to them. When the Day of Reckoning arrives, anytime now, they won't be sipping gay blood in heaven. They'll be roasting on a spit in hell. For denying this inspiring albeit slightly twisted example of selfless gay and Christian love. Shame on them! Blasphemy! Who you are going to believe these days...... Jesus and Judy or Satan's Bride?
Hmmm....that should do it. Don't you think? At the very least stir them up into a foaming frenzy of homo hate. So other Canadians can see them as we know them. Before it's too late.
And if these wingnuts don't believe me? No problem. I've got a copy of this papyrus in God's own handwriting -- or at least in the scrawl of some holy, hairy, desert dwelling, tribesman who lived with his wives and slaves and donkeys and many sheep very long ago. Can you imagine what this would go for on e-bay?
BTW in case you wondered, I've already patented the name of my new book "The Judas Code."
But what if these religious wingnuts don't like what I have to say? Can't take the truth. What if they try to crucify me as well as stealing my rights? Or burn me at the stake for heresy. Like their blood soaked inquisitors did with so many others.
Well in that case they can do Judas one better.
Get down on their knees and repent.
And then kiss my holy gay ass...