Werner Patels and the Dummest Blogger in Canada

When I received an anonymous tip that a blogger named Werner Patels had shat on my last post and declared me to be The Dumbest Blogger in Canada...as well as a terrorist apologist and sympathizer...at first I was puzzled. Who da fuck is Werner?

And then I was delighted. Woohoo!

Everyone knows that these days it doesn't really matter WHAT they say about you...as long as they say SOMETHING...and when you have a teeny little blog ANY publicity helps.

But when I stopped celebrating long enough to actually read the post in question .....I came down to earth with a sickening thud.

The Alberta Expectorator?????? WTF????? Bye bye shiny gold medal... hello redneck cow pie.

But the most shattering blow was still to come....when I checked out Werner's motto

Tout le monde est fou sauf moi....

Or everyone is crazy except me.

And not only THAT. But this....

Sure, I am an arrogant A-hole, but when you are blessed and privileged enough to be one, why not?

Which of course was THE END of my dreams of glory. Who the fuck is going to believe I'm the Dumbest Blogger In Canada when it comes courtesy of an INSANE ASSHOLE ?

Which made me really angry. How dare he raise my hopes only to dash them? Who REALLY IS this Wernie Whiner?

So I fed everything I could find out about him into my supercomputer. From the fact he was born in Austria....to his mousey look ....and bloated ego....

I don't pretend to be an opinion-maker, but that's how, apparently, a lot of people see me...Government ministries and agencies, for instance, regularly run specific Google searches for my name if they want to read my latest opinions on current affairs.

I must be quite successful, given how my opponents crap in their pants whenever I publish a new article or column.

As well as his fascist beliefs that any brown Canadian or immigrant or practically ANYONE who doesn't want to kiss Chimp Bush's ass should be deported from Canada...or sent to Guantanamo.

And of course his clearly delusional state...

Many of those who are opposed to my particular political views are outright scared of what I might write -- so scared in fact that they will do everything in their power to discredit me....

I did try to include his "particular political views" but alas there were so many of them over the years, I didn't have enough space on my hard disk.

So I just punched in MEDIOCRITY .....over and over again .....hit ENTER on my supercomputer.... and this is what came out....




OMFG!!!!! Heil Mary!!! It's Colonel Klink!!!

Achtung!! Simon ze terrorist gleichgesinnter!!!! Dumkofen traitor!! Ich bin mein GENIUS!!!!!!! Guantanamo for ze brown people .......and ze krazy kriminal Red Tory !!!! Kooler for YOU!!!!

You know..... the day they DON'T believe Werner when he says everyone is crazy but HE'S not...and they take him away to that place with padded cells....and high walls topped with barbed wire. I hope he finds his Hogan...or he'll NEVER get out.

Oh yeah...as for the award for the Dumbest Blogger in Canada...he can keep it. Or better still...give it to himself. Because as much as I HATE to say it. (sob) (sob).

NOBODY deserves it more than he does...

How Canada's Politicians Sold Out Our Country

So now we know exactly how our mangy politicians have dishonoured this country by acting like yankee stooges in the case of Omar Khadr...the Canadian in Guantanamo.

And not just the Conservatives....the Liberals too.

A Toronto Star examination of more than 1,000 pages of court documents, government reports and emails reveals that since Khadr arrived at the offshore prison in 2002, the Canadian government has publicly supported his detention and trial despite concerns about his health, his age and widespread condemnation of the American prison.

The documents show officials downplayed comparisons between Khadr's case and that of child soldiers and, at times, blindly accepted assurances detention conditions at Guantanamo were humane.

How even as Bill Graham mused about the tragedy of child soldiers ....you know Canada's PET project....his Department of Foreign Affairs was trying to play down the child angle.

Foreign Affairs media director Lillian Thomsen, on instructions from Colleen Swords, now head of the intelligence division, wrote in an email a new press message must "claw back on the fact that he is a minor."

Even though Omar WAS a minor and a child soldier....and he had been tortured.

And they KNEW that.

What monsters, what flunkies, what yankee loving poodles.

And now we also know how the Conservatives picked up from where the Liberals left off...and acted like Bush's little bitches as well.

Newly released documents reveal that reams of paperwork were created to help advise former minister Peter MacKay and his spokespeople on how to answer questions on Khadr, even though they said virtually nothing about the case for more than a year.

Armed with this background information, MacKay and his staff were told that they might be asked what Canada was doing about Khadr's continued detention at Guantanamo Bay.

MacKay was to answer: "The government of Canada has sought and received assurances that Mr. Khadr is being treated humanely. ... Mr. Khadr faces serious charges."

In short do nothing but kiss the ass of the criminal Bush regime...just like the Liberals did.

As the lawyer who defends Guantanamo detainees said... even the American flunky state of Kuwait has done more for its detainees in that hellhole than we have.

"You can act like a little, pathetic third-rate country if you'd like to but actually some of these other countries haven't. Kuwait, from the very beginning, even though Kuwait is a much smaller country than Canada, they've stood up for their citizens. They hired lawyers and there are a lot of other countries who have too..."















And our detainee was a CHILD who never should have been there in the first place.

Which brings me back to that haunting question....can a country that doesn't even defend its children....or ignores the horror of the Guantanamo gulag still be called a country?

Surely any Canadian government that calls itself Canadian should demand that Omar Khadr be brought home IMMEDIATELY to be dealt with by his own people. In the land where he was born.

Surely to demand any less than that is to kneel down before the American military machine, and hand them our sovereignty on a plate. Like sellouts or cowards.....or Conservatives and Liberals.

Don't these idiots understand this isn't just about Omar Khadr anymore? It's about us.

And while I'm at it... if we still have any Canadian values left.....Shouldn't we also call for the end of the monstrous gulag itself? Demand that the Bush Cheney war criminals roll up the barbed wire...bring back the Geneva convention...save the cages for rabid animals like themselves...try the detainees in civilian courts.

Or....since I'm heading off on a little adventure...and I need to get motivated or in the mood...just let the walls fall down.

Like the song says....



WTF? What's the point? Is Canada already Amerika?

See you in a while...

The Great Iraq Pig Fuck and Swindle

If you ever visit Iraq it doesn't take long before you realize that the place has been invaded by TWO American armies. The men and women in uniform, and the even BIGGER army of contractors who do everything from providing security to cleaning the portable toilets.

Thanks to Dick Cheney and Halliburton I knew it had to be a pig fuck. And an expensive one too.

But until I read this great article I didn't know it was such a porker orgy....and such an unbelievable swindle.

Operation Iraqi Freedom, it turns out, was never a war against Saddam ­Hussein's Iraq. It was an invasion of the federal budget, and no occupying force in history has ever been this efficient.

When things went wrong, KBR simply scrapped expensive gear: The company dumped 50,000 pounds of nails in the desert because they were too short, and left the Army no choice but to set fire to a supply truck that had a flat tire.

In perhaps the ultimate example of military capitalism, KBR reportedly ran convoys of empty trucks back and forth across the insurgent-laden desert, pointlessly risking the lives of soldiers and drivers so the company could charge the taxpayer for its phantom deliveries.

And not only do these porkers screw the U.S. government, the American people, and the troops in Iraq. They also screw their own workers.

A soldier is a citizen with rights, a man to be treated with honor and respect as a protector of us all; if one loses a limb, you've got to take care of him, in theory for his whole life. But a mercenary is just another piece of equipment you can bill to the taxpayer: If one is hurt on the job, you can just throw it away and buy another one.

As if the war in Iraq wasn't obscene enough...or the Bush administration criminal enough...now this.

But at least now I won't have to say that all those young American soldiers were killed or mutilated for nothing. Which since they are our neighbours makes me feel bad.

Now I can say they gave their lives or their limbs to make a small group of piggy capitalists even richer than they are. Oink. Oink.

Which is what Amerika is all about.

Isn't it?

When People With AIDS are Buried Alive...

I see the savages of Papua New Guinea have found a new way to show the world that ignorance kills.

Once they hunted human heads for sport.

Now they are burying people with AIDS....while they are still alive.

She described how one person called out "mama, mama" as the soil was being shovelled over their head.

Or torturing and killing women for the way they walk.

."There are reports of women being tortured for days in efforts to extract confessions...Women have been beaten, stabbed, cut with knives, sexually assaulted and burnt with hot irons. One woman had her uterus ripped out with a steel hook."

It makes me want to scream with anger and sorrow...and call them monsters for committing monstrous acts. But what's the point? When history, geography, colonialism, poverty, and of course ignorance are really to blame.

But what's the government doing to stop the murder and deal with Papua New Guinea's excalating AIDS problem?

Oh yeah I forgot.

Which explains a lot. But still doesn't explain why people could murder their own relatives in such a cruel way. What kind of primitive bloodthirsty gods do these poor savages believe in?

Wait........now I remember.

Well then.... that explains EVERYTHING.

So much for the "civilizing" influence of the Christian Church.

Somebody please do something to help the poor sick people of Papua New Guinea.

Poverty, ignorance and religion are SUCH a deadly mix....

Vermont : Gay Marriage and the Gay Boy's Mum

I love Vermont. It's beautiful, laid back and lefty, full of old and cool hippies....and black and white cows. They don't allow billboards near roads, and of course, it's the place where Ben and Jerry invented funky ice cream. Back when they were still flower children.

But these days the soothing mooing of the cows has been replaced by a new and ugly sound. Little, peaceful, tolerant Vermont is looking into whether to allow gay marriage. And the religious bigots are howling in the woods, and spewing their usual monkey shite.

The local newspapers have been publishing their hysterical hate-filled letters to the editor blaming gay people for EVERYTHING.

So another letter has been making the rounds. A letter written eight years ago by the Vermont mother of a bullied gay kid ....who after hearing the same kind of religious crap... decided she'd had enough..

I’m tired of your foolish rhetoric about the “homosexual agenda” and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn’t bear to continue living any longer, that he didn’t want to be gay and that he couldn’t face a life without dignity.

You religious folk just can’t bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness....You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings.

I don’t know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn’t put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it’s about time you started doing that.

They still haven't.....

But what a letter. Still as powerful today as it was eight years ago.

When Andrew Tobias, the Treasurer of the Democratic National Committee put it on his website he called it "The Best Thing I've Read All Year."

But I thought the best tribute came from someone who sent in a comment to the post I linked to....which simply said:

"I wish she was my mother."

You can't say more than that.

And you you can't say it better than mum did.....

The Red Friday Rally and my Singing Soldiers Video

I didn't really want to go to yesterday's Red Rally at the CNE.

But Sébastien, who has been really affected by Quebec's Black Week in Afghanistan wanted to check it out.

So I thought I'd better go along in case he got carried away...and decided to re-enlist.

And besides.... his four-year-old nephew who is visiting from Quebec absolutely HAD to see the CNE...and it's important for little Quebecers to get to know and love English Canada ...if that's possible....before it's too late.

So off we went....in the 35 degree heat.

I was even prepared to wear a red t-shirt. But the only red one I could find in the bunker belongs to Farmboy...













And I didn't think it was appropriate...













As it turns out the rally was a bit of a bust.

The median age of the crowd was about 70.....If a shoutout was expected from this rally, Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan will need to strain their ears in order to hear it.

And when we finally arrived ...about 40 minutes late.... there was practically nobody there.

Which in retrospect turned out to be a stroke of good fortune. Because if I had been forced to listen to the French-hating Don Cherry... or the idiots Mel Lastman and Peter MacKay babble on about patriotism .

Or watch the chickenhawk Rick Hillier strip down to his underwear to show off his red t-shirt...I think I would have vomited.

I need that kind of cheap jingoism like I need a hole in the head. And quite frankly neither do our troops. They don't need rah rah rallies or hero highways. They need choppers and new technology to help keep our casualty rate down.

Canadian soldiers are getting killed in Afghanistan at more than three times the rate of troops from other nations, including those from Britain and the United States also in the thick of the fighting against the resurgent Taliban.

The threat from improvised explosive devices is heightened by the fact that Canadian troops have yet to receive the latest anti-IED technology and lack helicopters to avoid the perils of land transport.

How depressing.

Still despite everything ....Sébastien and I managed to have a good time. The little terror loved the carney...and the Tiny Tom donuts.

And the BEST thing was when we went into the big recruiting tent they all but ignored Sébastien and came after ME !!!!

Which meant that I REALLY cleaned up...

















But at the end of the day I couldn't help feeling a bit sad too. We do have a pretty decent bunch of soldiers. But the mission is fucked. They are being asked to do the impossible...and I hate to think how many more must die before EVERYONE realizes that.

So I made a little video....of La Musique des Fusiliers de Sherbrooke band.... singing a song....that seems to fit the desperate situation...



Hmmm....maybe we can send the human cannonball's cannon to Afghanistan...so our soldiers can FLY over those IEDs.

In the meantime.... my day at the CNE didn't end there....the worst was yet to come.

Sébastien won a giant PINK plush fish at the carney. The little terror gave up the ghost.... and Big Boy had to carry him home in his arms....on a packed and sweaty streetcar.

So guess who had to carry the monstrous fish? Ugh. Never mind those damn red shirts.

The things I do for my country...

Truth, Lies and Wikipedia's Hidden Editors

When I heard that some some federal government employee had been making anti-gay revisions to Wikipedia on his or her office computer I was naturally outraged.

And then I was curious. How many others I wondered had been caught with their hands in the Wiki Cookie jar?

So I checked out this awesome list.

And here are some of my faves....

The New York Times employee who changed Condi's goal of being a concert pianist ...to being a concert...um....member.

The Future Shopper who insisted the company's products don't blow up. Really.

The Baptist Bible College's definition of Satan.

The BBC employee who described Tony Blair as a drunken sex maniac

The Subway person who declared their subs to be not awful but....

The Apple employee who says googling is something sexual.

The CIA employee who changed the Pope's photo to something SO AWFUL I can't even say it.

And my absolute super duper fave of faves....the person from General Dynamics...the huge military contractors...who believes that George Bush Sr is the first man ever to give birth through his asshole.

I guess they never forgave him for not "liberating" Iraq the first time....so they had to wait all those years before they could really cash in.

Although you know when I think about it....maybe that patriot is right.

I mean how else do you explain George Bush Jr?














Wow! Compared to THAT revision of history...or diddling of the truth....all those Wiki ones are NOTHING.

But it still makes me wonder....

When everyone gets to revise history...and the truth is what you SAY it is. Is the open information age informing us or confusing us?

If you change history how can you learn from it?

Is it all propaganda...

Or just a maddening din?

Abortion and the Flower Pot Women

Although I'm a big supporter of women's rights and the pro-choice movement, and despite my occasional battles with the formaldehyde forces of the Big Blue Bigot, I've never really tackled the question of abortion.

One... because bloggers like Unrepentant Old Hippie and Birth Pangs are doing such a fine job of keeping these no-choice fanatics at bay.

Two ...because I have so many other battles to fight. And I'm lazy.

And three...because let's face it...as a guy it's pretty hard to get wrapped up in the issue when no matter how hard my boyfriend tries...I'm NEVER going to get pregnant.

Which may sound crazy....but is not as wacko as the gibberish spouted by the followers of the hairy desert dwellers who believed that life sprouted from THEIR "seed" (i.e. cum).

And that women were just flower pots.















The bible uses the kind of "sexual language" that one would expect from an ancient agrarian society that associates male sperm with "seed", the woman's womb with "the soil" and the result as "fruit". I think that ancient men believed, because of a LACK of knowledge about human reproduction and a lack of knowledge about ova, that they were the instigators of life through their "seed" and that women were the "soil" which bore their "fruit."

Which of course explains EVERYTHING. From the way women are treated as second class citizens....and the ban on abortion. To all those tie a string around your dick stories....so you don't spill your cum on the ground. (i.e. wack off)

To why religion is such absolute nonsense. If those hairy desert dwellers could get THAT so wrong...what does it say it say about the rest of their "holy" texts?

Never mind....

You know I've never understood why men figure THEY should have a say in the abortion issue...except to support a woman's right to choose... when THEY can't get pregnant

And now I can't understand why women would join the anti-choice movement when all they're doing is carrying the banner for the patriarchy....the daddy knows best crowd.

Like these inhuman monsters who would put their flowerpot patriarchy....and their superstitious mumbo jumbo... before the lives of rape victims.

But at least that makes it more than clear what drives these religious monsters.

Yup....insanity.

Just as I figured. I may not be getting pregnant anytime soon.

But even I know THAT...
____________________________________

If you want to read another great Beep Beep It's Me post about the same subject you can find it here.

Afghanistan: The Sad and the Funny

I don't know what it is about me...that even when I'm sad I always find something to laugh about. Even in Afghanistan.

The sad part was the death of Simon Longtin.

The death of every Canadian soldier depresses me...especially since I honestly believe our mission is doomed.

But since I'm an Anglo Québécois living and working with a bunch of French ones this one hit the bunker like a TOW missile. As they watched RDI's extensive coverage I thought the French guys would be angry and start denouncing the war. But instead they were really quiet. Especially Sébastien my companion...even I couldn't figure out where he was.

So all I could do was try to make sure that they didn't see some of the comments in the Globe where some freaks were going on about how Quebecers were cowards...and only thought of themselves....and how they PRAYED for the day when we could get rid of them.

The Globe editors eventually delected the comments and closed ALL comments on stories about the death of Simon Longtin. But what does it say about some of the people in this country that they couldn't hold back their anti-French bigotry for just one day?

And on the anniversary of the Dieppe raid where French and English fought and died together as they have in so many other places....

Isn't THAT sad?

So I was glad to find an Afghan story I could laugh about.

First the nectarines were handed over, then the watermelon. By lunchtime, the three Afghan National Police manning a traffic checkpoint had amassed a pleasant lunch from the “donations” of passing villagers stopped and “screened,” ostensibly for weapons or contraband.

“I don't want you to do that,” said Lieutenant Jocelyn Demetre, newly arrived in Afghanistan with Quebec's famed Vandoos – the Royal 22nd Regiment. Pointing to the watermelon, Lt. Demetre admonished: “That's extortion.”

Mahman Qasim, the police section commander at Shah Woli Kot who hadn't bothered to don his uniform, rejected the young Canadian officer's admonishment. “We only take from friends, and they're happy to give,” he said, before slicing open the watermelon with a bayonet.

Isn't THAT funny?

God bless our decent French Canadian boy scouts. God save the Afghan Police.

Which reminds me....that God plays a big role in this new Afghan National Army ad.

But like everything else in Afghanistan, I'm just not sure it will work....



Uh oh....never mind the thieves and the scoundrels of the Afghan Police. Here comes the Afghan Army and the former suicide bombers...

Gimme that watermelon or I'll blow you up!!!

Oh boy....when you don't want to cry you laugh.

You know I wish I could believe that the whole damn Afghanistan mess COULD work...and our noble ideals really could become reality.

And that the evil bastard religious fanatics who don't hesitate to kill innocent children could be vanquished forever. So the poor Afghan people could live in peace at last.

So I didn't have to feel that Simon Longtin ...of Quebec AND Canada...and all the others... died for nothing.

But I don't...and I do.

Isn't THAT sad?

Fugitive Story: A Message from Alvaro Orozco

As many of you know Alvaro Orozco is a young gay man who has gone into hiding somewhere in Toronto.

"Most of the time, I'm hiding because I'm not supposed to be anywhere. I feel like a fugitive. It's really bad..."

A fugitive in a country he hoped would give him a safe place to call home at last. But one that is instead preparing to deport him back to Nicaragua....where he could be hurt, jailed, or killed.

You know when you are a gay kid ....and you run away from home at the age of twelve because you are tired of being beaten and you want to live free.... and you hitch hike through Central America and Mexico....and you swim across the Rio Grande....and you spend years being shunted from one refugee shelter to the other in the United States...or dodging immigration officials.....and you NEVER give up your dream of coming to Canada...you gotta have a LOT of hope.

So Alvaro must be so disappointed.

This brave gay kid is a real fighter. But after finally making it to Canada...and having lived here for three years....to be told that he has to leave must have really hurt. Quite apart from all the legal arguments....after ten years of fighting all kinds of obstacles...that must have put a real dent in his heart.

So as one gay brother to another I decided to send him an e-mail to cheer him up. And I told him if he wanted to send out a message I would be happy to publish it.

So he sent me a note. With his permission I corrected some of the English and shortened it a bit.

It repeats some of the stuff you may have read before. But I think you can get an idea of what a strong and decent kid he is.

And how disappointed and hurt he is as well....

My name is Alvaro Orozco I was born in Nicaragua. My early years were hard. I lived with my mother and brothers because my father couldn’t support us. He was an alcoholic who often abused my mother. From the age of seven I knew I was different from my brothers and friends. I had gay feelings. Although at that time I was just a child and confused, and I decided to wait until I was older to see what would happen.

Later my father also realized I was different. He hated me because I would try to defend my mother. He started to beat me every day and most of the time for no reason. He said he would make me straight and a real man. At that time in Nicaragua there were still no laws protecting women and children, so men could do what they wanted, and sometimes macho culture is even stronger than religion.

But of course the church is very powerful too. They are in the government and responsible for laws that say that any gay man who is out, or lives an open life with other men can spend three or four years in prison.

But the reality is even worse. Thanks to the Catholic Church gay people have been tortured and killed since colonial times. And they are still killed in the streets because the Church teaches people that gay people are evil and must go to hell.

There is no protection for women from domestic abuse in Nicaragua. And for gay people it is not the right place to live.

That’s why I am hoping so much that the Canadian government will help me to stay here, where I am safe, instead of sending me back to Nicaragua.

I am so sad that the Canadian government and the immigration department don’t seem to care about gay rights, even though we are human like everyone else.The laws in Canada are supposed to protect gay rights, but it seems they only protect gay Canadians but not gay immigrants.

I hope that people can wake up and open their eyes and see that this is not justice, that justice is for everybody, and freedom has no name, no country, no race. That we all have hope, and that all gay people want to live with equal respect and freedom no matter where we are.

Please help me. Thank you to those who are supporting me.

Alvaro.

Alvaro Orozco has been treated like an animal by our immigration officials. By the ones who questioned whether he was gay. And by the ones who are sending him back to Nicaragua ....even though they must know what kind of reception awaits him.

Judging from the comments in a Nicaraguan paper...

"God free us from all this faggotry... Imagine if all of God's creation was gay, who would have children? It would be the end of the world."

Alvaro told me his lawyer is challenging the government's ridiculous pre-removal risk assessment that claims he wouldn't be in danger if he returned to Nicaragua.

And a lot of good Canadians have come to Alvaro's defence. But unless we can keep the pressure up, immigration officials will eventually move in and deport him. That's the way it ALWAYS works.

So please think of ways to keep attention focused on his situation and his suffering....and use this website to send e-mails to Immigration Minister Diane Finley and other politicians.

Tell them this isn't just a LEGAL question anymore...it's a question of basic humanity...it's a matter of life and death.

Tell them that if Canada sends Alvaro Orozco back to Nicaragua...after all the publicity his case has received... it could end up with blood on its hands. And a stain on this country that will never go away.

The brave little fighter may be feeling down and hurt....but he isn't giving up.

And if we love Canada and human rights and justice...

We can't either...

Libel Chill: How to Blog and Stay out of Prison

I see that alarm bells are going off in the Canadian blogosphere about how to blog and NOT go to prison.

And all that talk of libel chill has some bloggers running for cover...others deleting old posts...or just posting safe stuff.

Like country music videos....vegan turkey recipes...and the first gay kiss by teenagers on daytime tv.

Wow! I mean Good Golly Little Miss Muffitt !! If that's not safe I don't know what is....

But here's the spider that sat down beside her. If we can't even keep our blogosphere free, filthy,and uncivil I'm afraid this country will die of boredom. It's already so dull, plodding, and earnest it's practically TERMINAL. Snore....remember to keep breathing....zzzzzzz...

So I'm suggesting some simple rules that should allow us bloggers to stay in the gutter....but out of jail.

Number one. DON'T accuse people of committing criminal acts. Especially if they haven't .That's always a bad idea. Unless you have more money and better lawyers than they have. Or you can buy or blackmail the judge for having sex with you...or even better with your very young sister.

Two. Always insult your enemies in a filthy but CLEVER way.

Like calling them whores of Babylon .....or Satan suckers......or Jesus fuckers. And when they sue you.. demand that they prove they're not.

Or use exotic languages like Scottish slang to hose them down with insults like choob chookters....peelly-wally pie eaters...or my fave.... cuntybuggeryfucktoleybumshiters.

And then claim it's just a CULTURAL misunderstanding. Wot?

Although you don't have to worry about calling the Big Blue Bigot a BAMPOT BALLOON (a mildly unhinged person with an exaggerated sense of his or her own importance.)

After this EVERYONE knows that.

And three.... if all else fails..... do like I plan to do....and plead INSANITY.

Just like Big Blue, Kathy Shaidle, most of the Blogging Tories....and all of Venereal Dominion will eventually do....and no doubt get off. Just like I will. And I'm sure you can too.

Um.......did I mention Steve Janke? He tried to play journalist and look what happened to him.

Thanks to Wanky, my dog is living on organic roast beef and rib eye steaks. And I'm so paranoid I'm brushing my teeth with laundry detergent ...made in Uzbekistan. Is that OK Steve?

But seriously folks...the main thing is to make sure that the blogosphere doesn't get TOO respectable. I find this rush to respectability and mainstream acceptance far more of a threat to free expression than libel chill could ever be.

What I find amazing about the internet is not the individual brilliance I occasionally encounter....or the mindboggling mediocrity out there. But the awesome TOTALITY of it. The millions of monkeys screaming into the void. Crawling on all fours through the gutter...smoking their enemies with words.

So I just want to make a couple of things absolutely clear.

One....I'm not afraid of being sued...I would welcome it.....coz daddy's lawyers are really good. And I NEED a new yacht !!!!!!!

Or a float plane....

And two....even if I get that plane....I WON'T be joining the flight to respectability. I wouldn't know where to go.

Or what to do with myself.... if I had to cum in my pants over safe gay teenager soap opera kisses....that are about twenty years too late....and pretend I'm grateful.

While not being able to run REALLY gay videos like this one....


You know fighting respectability is never easy...

But if I can find an even worse/greater video by Gay Pimp....if that's possible.

I PROMISE to run it too.

See you all in prison.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Elvis Presley: 30 Year Later Still the KING

Elvis Presley's music and my life never really crossed paths. He was dead before I was born. Although one of the first songs I learned to play on the guitar was "Are You Lonesome Tonight? And I do love fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Later, when I learned how he had died.... thirty years ago today.... next to a toilet with his tongue half bitten off... I felt sorry for him.

When I see the footage of his last concerts I can imagine how humiliated he must have been to be fat, sweating like a pig, and stoned out of his mind. When once he made girls scream.

But his faithful fans didn't seem to mind then. And they sure don't mind now. For millions of fans around the world he is still THE KING.

And let's be truthful. Who in the whole wide world wouldn't want his or her lover to sing this song to them ...just like he did?



And who hasn't sung this next one at some point in their life? Like Elvis did during his last concert...

Two months before he died....



Horrible things happened to Elvis. Life can be cruel. He was the original rock and roll outlaw....but they didn't allow him to play himself. They packaged him as the boy next door...just as all the other rockers were becoming bad boys...thanks to him. Drugs stole his life too soon.

But he was a performer to the end.

And thirty years later his fans ....old and new...still remember him. Still carry him in their hearts...

I don't know if he will live forever. Certainly his contribution to rock and roll will never be forgotten.

He sure has a lot of imitators.

But there is still only one KING....

The Big Blue Bigot and the Phony Abortion Debate

When I first heard that the Big Blue Bigot was running for office my first reaction was to make inquiries about Paraguay. In case I had to move there in a hurry.

I mean she banned me from her blog.

And whipped up the zombies at Venereal Dominion against me. Hoping no doubt that those cannibals would EAT me. I was lucky to escape with my manhood intact.

So I can only imagine what that crazy christofascist would do to me...and other gay people...if she ever had any real power.

But then after thinking a bit more about it I realized that she must have been drinking some of the formaldehyde she carries Pickles....her avatar fetus around in.

And after taking a close look at her...... with her scary fanatic eyes and her snouty nose.

I realized that she has a better chance of sniffing out a truffle, than she has of winning a seat.......that isn't on a toilet bowl.

Unless she can freep the vote like she freeps those online polls... and NOT end up in prison.

I mean talk about inhaling her own gaseous emissions or believing her own propaganda. Who the fuck does she think she is? The Virgin Mary in a pickle jar....or Jesus in a tortilla?

Which when I thought about it....covered in chili and smoking a jalapeno pepper like a cigar...almost made me crap my pants with laughter.

And wonder whether her big blue bigotness intends to travel around her riding...strapped or velcroed to the side of her beloved meat wagon....

Followed by a swarm of flies. Buzz..... Buzz....Buzz.....

Run for your lives!!!! Here come da bigot!!! And da chopmobile!!! Children cover your eyes!!! Eeeeeeek!!!! Swat. Swat.

But of course it's not really funny. Because what she's trying to do is whip up the phony abortion debate.

Which shouldn't be a debate in the first place.... as JJ points out.

Because that debate is OVER.

Because in Canada NOBODY can tell women what to do with their own bodies. And never will again.

Just like they'll NEVER tell gay people how to live THEIR lives.

And anyone who thinks differently should just take a hike...back to the 14th Century.

If these creepy formaldehyde fascists and homophobes like the Big Blue Bigot think they can tell us how to live...or ban abortion and contraception...or persecute gays...or jail them like her good friend Bill Whatcott wants to do....sooner or later WE are going to be the ones who will have to lock THEM up.

In an insane asylum...

In the meantime I think I'll follow this campaign CLOSELY.

I can't wait to see the Big Blue Bigot taken down a peg. Deflate like a used rubber before my very eyes.

Until she's just a sad and pathetic Little Blue Bigot. Squeaking like a mouse.

Bring the cheese...and the traps everyone. Oh yes.... and a fly swatter too. And don't forget to heckle her.

YouTube can't wait.

This is going to be FUN....

The Attack of the Killer Panhandlers

As if we didn't have have enough things to worry about...like the Harperite Conspiracy or the war in Afghanistan...or all that Made in China stuff that baby likes to chew on...or the fact that the CNE begins on Friday..... and you know what that means?

Now we're quaking in our boots or shooting off our mouths about the Attack of the Killer Panhandlers.

Even though three of the four suspects are Americans.

And most of OUR panhandlers are harmless. The pussies of the panhandling world...or just typically Canadian...

The roar of the frightened mob has been deafening.

It's a disgrace. Something bad is going to happen in this neighbourhood if we don't start thinking about our rights as free-moving and safe citizens rather than the rights of the homeless...

Ban them, fine them, throw them in jail. Do ANYTHING just drive them off the streets. It all seems a bit crazy to me. Why can't they just pretend they can't see them or hear them?

Like they usually do.....
















(click to enlarge)

But of course it's more complicated than that.

Many formerly homeless people find that landing permanent shelter doesn't mean they can give up a street life, German said.

"Welfare doesn't pay enough to cover both rent and food, so they are forced to panhandle to eat."

The frightened mob can scream for blood all it wants, but until we deal with the root causes of the problem it will only get worse.

And if you pretend that you can't SEE the problem or just WISH it would go away. And you don't build enough cheap housing, or rely on a rotten shelter system, and you don't have aggressive and smart ways to deal with things like poverty, drug addiction, or mental illness, and you do nothing while our big cities become jungles with poor and desperate people everywhere...

Then WTF are you so surprised about when something jumps up and bites you? Or stabs you in the ribs.

I'm just surprised it doesn't happen more often. I can't understand why poor Canadians are so passive...why they don't demand more from Canadians than just quarters.

Why they don't understand that unless you organize and fight for your rights nothing ever happens...especially when others don't see you or hear you...















But when you're poor, and hungry, and thirsty, or drug addicted or mentally ill...and you have to worry about where they'll allow you to take a shit, or where you're going to sleep tonight...I guess just surviving is exhausting enough.

Which means that if we are really Canadians we should be thinking of new ways to HELP them instead of punishing them.

And reminds me....I'm going to take a few days off to try to think of new ways to help Alvaro Orozco.

Who is hiding somewhere in this city.












Because it's the same thing with him as it is with the homeless .

Whether you are discriminated against because you're poor, or whether you are discriminated against because you are gay.

Unless you fight back...and others help those who can't help themselves... nothing ever changes...

Which is a great excuse to run this song...by my favourite Canadian band...again. To get me in the mood....


Works for me.

Please do what you can to help Alvaro. Tell those who would further victimize the poor to go stuff themselves.

Or ask them how THEY would live on $300 a month.

See you all soon...

Stephen Harper's Stinky Barnyard Shuffle

I was having a little nap at work this afternoon when suddenly I was awoken by some horrible pig sounds. I snapped to attention thinking it was my bosses. But it was only the TV across the room blaring out live coverage of Great Fat Leader's stinky barnyard shuffle.

Naturally I soon drifted back to sleep....zzzzzzzzz....only to be tormented in my dreams by some disturbing questions:

Like who is going to run Canada while all these OLD pigs go back to skool to try to learn NEW tricks....and doesn't everybody know that's IMPOSSIBLE?

Will Gordon O'Connor do as great a job as Revenue Minister as he did as Defence Minister? And if so should we surrender...I mean declare bankruptcy..... now or later? Or at least switch to the Mexican peso. And after he's fucked up there what's next? Running a sardine factory?

Or a scrapyard for all that useless military junk he bought....which will only get to Afghanistan.....AFTER the troops have left.

Will Bev Oda receive as much support from international development agencies as she received from private broadcasters before she became Heritage Minister? Does that mean she'll be spending a LOT of time abroad? Excellent. And will her new limo bills be smaller or even BIGGER? If that's possible....

Will Chuck Strahl our new Indian Affairs Minister remember to say First Nations instead of just "injuns"?

And of course the MOST disturbing question of all: How did an idiot like Peter Dumbo MacKay ever become Defence Minister?

Do our troops in Aghanistan KNOW what that means? Will they be tempted to take their chances and surrender to the Taliban rather than follow him.....to CERTAIN disaster?

Will Condi love him even more.....now he's a dum jock in uniform? And make Dumbo happy...no matter what happens to our poor troops. Or will he have to borrow a dog and sulk after every tragic and bloody mistake? To try to make Canadians love him again. Good luck.

And of course there's that extra special question: Does Dumbo even realize that Stephen Harper just placed him in the deep end of the pool .......with an anchor around his neck?

Glug. Glug. Glug. God help our troops. God help Canada.

Does mediocrity breed mediocrity? Or is it just its own reward?

Canada's NEW/NOUVEAU New Government. How exciting.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ......