Friday, November 17, 2006

Harper's Promise and Another Dead Gay Guy

I see that the latest vote on gay marriage may be delayed again. Despite Stephen Harper's promise to hold the vote this fall, it look as if he may give in to the demands of his wingnut base.

They know they'd lose a vote if it was held today. So they want Harper to delay it until after the next election. Hoping he'll get a majority. And use it to crush our rights.

Normally I'd be really angry. How dare this sinister neocon pose as a champion of human rights? When he's fucking with the equality rights of more than a million gay and lesbian Canadians.

But tonight I'm not angry just sad....

It started two nights ago when Farm Boy got a call from his oldest and best friend Michael, who lives in one of those huge towers in the gay village. He had just arrived home from work, to find the police in his apartment. Who told him his roommate of three years had thrown himself off their 24th floor balcony.

I never met the roommate, but I sure heard about him every time Michael was here. How he was from New Brunswick. How he liked to sing loudly in his room. But mostly about what a pig he was. How his room and washroom were filthy. How he was always bringing one sleazy trick after the other back to the place. How he left condoms and even cock rings lying around. How he had twelve bottles of poppers in the fucking fridge.

Which, as Michael knew, would always shock me because I'm a bit of a prude. I'm not into that kind of gay lifestyle. As in how you live as opposed to who you are. Not because I'm morally superior or a better person or anything like that. But because I need to know and like someone more than just a bit before I can sleep with them.

And also because I guess I'm a hopeless romantic and never wanted a sexual athlete...just a boy next door. Who was a sexual athlete! But only with me.... Then I never found him. Sebastien, the sexy French boy from planet Quebec, found me in the middle of a bar fight. All covered in blood. So who the fuck am I to judge anyone?

Besides I know that a lot of gay boys from stinky homophobic small towns can go wild and crazy when they arrive in a big city like Toronto or Montreal. And try to make up for lost time. The way I see it, if that's what it takes to fill their human need for love, and make up for all that suffering, that's all that counts. much for the bullshit morality, and another example of how gay people can be their own worst enemies.....the worst part of this story came when Michael informed us that he had no intention of returning to the apartment for a while. That he just couldn't. That he was staying with a friend. And after that he was moving. That he didn't want to meet the parents who were driving all the way from New Brunswick to pick up their son's body. And that he wouldn't even clean up the guy's room. Because he said "that's their problem."

Which made it my problem. Because I expect gay men to take care of each other. Even if they're just roommates. And to have more courage and class. I just couldn't bear the thought of his poor parents coming all the way to Toronto to come face to face with that. There were angry words. Were we proud gay brothers or animals just like the homophobes say we are? To make a long story short Farm Boy and I ended up going over to Michael's apartment and doing what we could to clean it up.

Farm Boy (who is also known as Howard as in Howard Hughes) insisted we put on big yellow gloves. He scrubbed the washroom. And vomited twice. I tried to tidy up the room. It wasn't as bad as Michael made out. But the police had been through it. There were piles of clothing on the floor. Tons of CD tapes ......opera ones. Turns out that was what he used to sing in his room alone. And little bits of paper everywhere with scrawled numbers on them he would never call again.

I trashed the sex stuff, as well as some muscle clone magazines and videotapes. I straightened the dirty sheets. I found a picture of people I assumed were his parents in the closet. And a little portrait of Jesus with a big red heart.

Just like this one.

And placed them on the bedside table. It was such a weird feeling tidying up the room of a dead person I'd never met. Putting a Jesus picture up. Wearing a pair of yellow gloves. I couldn't believe I'd been forced into such a situation. If Michael had dared show his face I probably would have killed him.

Anyway....when I finished the place was half decent , and there were no signs that he had been gay. Just in case his parents didn't know. But then I felt bad about that. Why should he not be remembered for who he really was? So I took off a rainbow coloured rubber bracelet I was wearing and placed it on the bedside table. Right next to the Jesus with the big red heart. So maybe his parents will know their son was gay. And if they believe in Jesus will be able to fool themselves into thinking that their poor dead gay boy is asleep in his arms.

I didn't shed a tear until I got back to the Bunker. And Farm Boy had me strip in the doorway so he could pitch all my clothing into the washing machine. And sent me straight to the showers. And then I wept for one more Canadian gay guy who never lived to see the day the hatred stopped. It's been a brutal and morbid week. First there were those two dead boys staring out from the past. With their mannequin faces. And now this.

But the water washed my tears away. And I didn't cry for long. Because the next thing I knew Farm Boy was in the shower with me. Probably to make sure that I really scrubbed myself....the little I had to laugh. Normally a sight like that would also move the other gay boys in the bunker to much hilarity ....and vulgarity. But tonight they were deathly quiet. Nobody said a thing.

I guess every one of them knew that had things turned out differently that dead gay guy could have been one of them. Although because Sebastien is away, and they know how much I miss him, and how I wish he was here right now, they did give me some really big hugs.

I hope that poor brother, whoever he was, found the peace that eluded him in life. As the picture of the AIDS quilt I used tonight fear, no pain, no broken heart...

I hope his poor family comes to terms with who he was and how he died. I hope that at least one of the men who frolicked with him remembers him for the rest of his life.

I hope Stephen Harper does the right and decent thing. And holds that gay marriage vote when he said he would.

I hope the evil wingnut freak homophobes stop persecuting gay people and making them think that they are wicked and bad. And that their lives aren't worth anything. How much gay blood do these bastards want?

But if they don't, and I'm sure they won't..... maybe I'll get angry tomorrow. Or maybe the day after that.

Tonight I'm just so sad...


  1. Goodgrief1:41 AM

    Simon, you have more friends than you know. My deepest sympathies for your trials, and my thanks for trying to ease the pain of the parents. You are one helluva guy.

  2. The world we live in makes us sad, the issues we have to deal with would be insurmountable to people who have led a more charmed existence. We call ourselves “Gay” because it gives us hope in a world that some of us can’t cope with. I realized that when I had to clean up the blood and mess from an attack in a friends apartment. It’s far worse when we take our own lives, but it’s certainly not any better when someone else tries to.

  3. Simon, what a kind gesture it was to give this man some dignity in his death that he couldn't find in life. It is testimony that we as gay people, need to support one another, no matter what. We must be there for each other and give unconditional love and support no matter how messy one's life gets, no matter how low one sinks into an abyss, or how many times a fat pig homophobe like C. McVety works to infiltrate his piggery into our lives. Some encouraging polls of late that shows the libs neck and neck with the reformcons. Keep the momentum going and remember to tell those who are duped by Harper's facade who the man really is behind the smug smile.

  4. so many ugly things, so many traumas and tragedies. a heartless, uncaring government.....and yet, the world's a better place because of people like you.

    i've had too many around me take their is more then enough.

    nature is waiting, simon, take a walk in the countryside.

  5. This article meant a lot to me, and thanks. It shows that, maybe people really do care. Maybe the world hasn't gone mad, maybe there is still love in this world... I am a gay boy who has been fighting for his life, fighting everyday against suicide. So thanks. :)

  6. good lord, are a rare breed of human. And sadly, a rare breed of Canuck. Your humanity gives a misanthrope like me a lot of hope.

    much love, brother. hang in there.

  7. Hi everyone...and thanks for making me sound like a saint :)
    I luv it!!! But you all better watch out or you'll be hit by lightning... Hey I'd love to have a little halo, so I could see Kerouac's shit in the park at night. Instead of stepping on it.But alas it just won't fit on my head. I guess those little horns get in the way...But seriously though I only did what any other person in the same situation would have done. And I could have handled it better. For example I was far too harsh with Michael. I bumped into him today, and he was a real mess. Farm Boy told me I wasn't the only person to get on his case. I should have realized that although him and the dead guy didn't get along. They had shared an apartment for almost three years. So obviously the guy's sudden death would traumatize him. I should have been more sensitive and less judgemental.
    Although I'm happy to say he did meet the family so that part ended well. Or as well as it possibly could. So no sainthood for me I'm afraid. But I want you to know that I really appreciate the kind comments from all you blogging friends.

    Now Rashid...this is for you...I especially want to thank you for stopping by brother. I'm glad you liked my little story. And I want you to know yes there is love in this world!! And yes me and all my brothers and sisters everywhere care about you. And if you don't find love my brother, he will find you. Don't ever give up, and please don't even think about suicide. You've got your whole future ahead of you and why would you want to miss the incredible joy of loving and being loved? You deserve it !! Just keep your heart gentle and happy and open to it, and it will happen I promise.I know the world isn't changing as fast as you and I would like it to change. But it's changing nonetheless. So hang in there my brother. Know that all the brothers in this house are all thinking about you and wishing you the best. And to make sure you get the message we're calling up Fedex. And sending you some big gay hugs!!:-)